


Life Among the Distant Stars

by CaptainWeasley



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Pete's World (Doctor Who), Recovery, Self-Harm, seriously there is a lot of angst in this, these two have so many issues to work out it's incredible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 00:15:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 47,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19284157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainWeasley/pseuds/CaptainWeasley
Summary: Rose finds herself standing on a beach in Norway, watching the Doctor break a promise he made long ago:Not to you. In the heat of the moment, she chose the half-human Doctor over his Time Lord counterpart, but what does that mean for them? One thing is certain: This time, there is no going back to the other universe.





	1. Prologue: What Do I Do Every Day

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, there are so many story lines that I planned on writing for this thing, but after five years of working on the draft I finally realised I'd never finish this story if I kept trying to make it perfect. There is so much that could be written about Rose and the Doctor in Pete's World but maybe I'm not the person to write all that. I did my best, however, and I hope that someone out there will find something in this story that resonates with them.  
> Self-harm is an important element in this story, several chapters include cutting and/or scars from cutting. Please don't read this fic if that could be triggering for you.  
> The title was taken from Murray Gold's gorgeous [soundtrack](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXAGP2EzVgk).

"I just never thought I'd actually get to see him age one day."  


"How does that make you feel?"  


Rose swallowed, a myriad of thoughts rushing through her head. The Doctor in Donna's parallel universe, lying on a stretcher, unmoving. The Doctor collapsing on the street, shot by a Dalek, moments before reaching her. _Before I go, I just want to tell you, you were fantastic._  


"Scared."  


Other, more recent memories came to her: The Doctor kissing her good night. Holding him in her arms, every day, looking into his eyes, every day, hearing him say those three wonderful words, every day.  


Rose took a deep breath.  


"Excited," she added, a smile on her lips. "Hopeful."


	2. Is That What You're Gonna Do To Me

Rose watched the TARDIS disappear, breaking out in goose-bumps like someone had emptied a bucket of cold water over her head. The Doctor hadn't even bothered to say good-bye properly. She bit her trembling lip. Of course he hadn't. She should have known. He was always running from things, had always been running, and now she had become something he felt the need to run from. Her stomach was hurting badly at the thought, like someone was tightening a fist around her guts mercilessly. This was not how it was supposed to be! It had taken her years to find him again, only for him to run away now. 

She looked over at the other him, the other Doctor, who met her gaze steadily. Rose didn't know if she wanted to scream at him or kiss him again. She swallowed hard, and averted her eyes slightly. 

"Let's, uh." Her voice sounded incredibly thin, even to her. "Let's go, then." 

The Doctor wouldn't come back. That knowledge was clearer to her than anything had ever been. He would never come back. He'd left her for good. 

Rose let go of the other Doctor's hand mechanically, taking the lead towards the village where they could contact Pete, because of course phones didn't get reception on this bloody beach. Her mother and the other Doctor were trailing behind her, but Rose didn't look back, couldn't look back. If she looked back she'd fall apart. 

_Not to you_ , the Doctor had said, ages ago, and Rose had believed him like the naive girl she'd been. _Not to you_. 

Rose wished she could talk to him, call him out on his bullshit. He had lied to her, plain and simple, had probably lied to himself as well. And then he had replaced her with brand-new companions, and left her without saying good-bye. Rose wished she could talk to Sarah Jane, because Sarah Jane knew exactly how it felt, being left behind by the Doctor. But no, not even that was an option. 

_Don't you see what he's trying to give you?_

Rose wondered how this was supposed to work. The Doctor, living as a human, no more TARDIS, no more running. Being _domestic_ and all that. One thing he had never been able to do, had never even wanted to do in the first place. 

The taste of blood filled her mouth, and Rose realised that she had bitten her lip too hard. 

** 

The rupture of his psychic link with the TARDIS was fresh and raw inside the Doctor's mind. 

He had spent lifetimes with that TARDIS, companions coming and going, his faithful ship always at his side. She was gone now, gone for good. 

The Doctor swallowed, focusing on the situation at hand. He had chosen this life, chosen to stay here, with Rose, knowing what the choice entailed. And he would make the same choice again in an instant, he thought as he looked at Rose, who was walking a few metres in front of him. Anything for her. 

Rose was holding her head up high, marching on and on, but even without seeing her face it was obvious that she was hurting. He wanted to comfort her, wanted to take her hand again to show her that he was here, with her. However, every time he thought about crossing the distance between them, Jackie looked at him sternly, and he didn't go through with his plan. 

"Give the poor girl some space," Jackie finally said, and the Doctor forced himself to stop staring at Rose's back. 

"I didn't do anything." 

Jackie sighed. 

"Rose just needs time," she said quietly. "Not as much time as it took her to get over the last time you brought her here, I reckon, what with you actually being here now. But as her mother, I would strongly advise you to leave her alone right now." 

Her tone left no doubt that the Doctor would have to deal with a very angry Jackie if he didn't heed her advice. 

"How long did it take her last time?" 

The question was out of his mouth before the Doctor could stop himself. He knew next to nothing about Rose's life on this Earth, and now was as good a time to start learning as any. 

"Almost two years, all things considered. Then they got that blasted cannon to work and she started dimension-jumping to get back to you." 

The Doctor's eyes widened. 

"Oh." 

"Surprised?" Jackie shook her head. "Daft one, you are. What did you think would happen?" 

"I always—I thought she was with her family. Safe." 

Jackie laughed. 

"If there's one thing this one doesn't want to be, it's safe. Trust me on this." 

That last sentence sounded exactly like Pete in the Vitex advertisement, but the Doctor managed to keep his comment on that subject to himself. He suspected they would see a lot of each other in the future, and he didn't want to get off on the wrong foot with her this time. 

Jackie shook her head again. 

"Made for each other, you two. One worse than the other." 

Her tone was affectionate, but even so, the Doctor felt indignant. 

"Oi, watch it!" 

The words were accompanied by an unbidden image of Donna inside his mind, and he did his best to shut it out. He couldn't bear the thought of her, knowing exactly what the other him would have to do to her. The Doctor was suddenly glad that he was a universe away, would never have to face that reality, could always remember her as the brilliant person that she had been before he destroyed her. 

** 

Rose didn't really notice time going by. 

Every now and again, she pressed the button that used to take her to other dimensions, hoping against all reason that something— _anything_ —would happen. But it was just a useless piece of plastic now. She was trapped here for good. 

Rose concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, she had to keep going, she had to. She stubbornly blinked her tears away. She didn't want to cry, not now, didn't want the Doctor to know how much she was hurting. It was a strange sort of pride; furious, horrible pride that made her hold her head high and walk on instead of turning around and falling into the Doctor's arms. The _other_ Doctor's arms. He wasn't a Time Lord, he wasn't her Doctor, not really. And yet he was. Rose pressed her fingernails into the palms of her hands, focusing on the pain. The pain made it easier not to think about what the Doctor had done to her, how he had run from her, right after she had found him again. No, she mustn't think about that. Her whole body felt tense, her hands were shaking. She took a deep breath. She felt sick to her stomach, just like last time she'd walked away from that damned beach. 

Rose shook her head, biting her lip harder, tasting more blood. She refused to be sick now, the other Doctor shouldn't see that, had no right to know how she felt; if it wasn't for him the Doctor would have taken her back. It was her own fault, too, Rose supposed: this man had told her that he loved her, wearing the Doctor's face, speaking with the Doctor's voice, and she had kissed him, made her choice, forced the real Doctor to leave. But how could she have resisted? Rose had been so desperate to hear those words, had been desperate to hear those words for years. Everything she had done had been to hear those words, and then this other Doctor had said them. She hadn't been strong enough to turn away and choose the proper Doctor. 

The first houses of the village were in sight now. Soon enough they would be able to phone Pete, and get out of this god-forsaken place, back to a life that she had never even wanted. In the TARDIS, that was where she was supposed to be, not in a Norwegian village, not in London, not on Earth, but out there, among the stars. Rose wanted to scream. This was not right, so not right, and it was her own fault. She had chosen this life, this Doctor, because of three words. 

She could hear her mother and the Doctor talking quietly, but the individual words were lost on her. Rose wondered what those two even had to say to each other. Maybe Jackie was explaining how to behave like a human being. Maybe he was telling her about his plans for world domination. Rose smiled humourlessly. This would never work. The Doctor—any version of the Doctor—living a human life, it had to be impossible. How long would it last, Rose wondered, until she lost this Doctor, too? She had already lost the Doctor twice now, and she wasn't sure if she could survive a third time. 

Rose exhaled slowly. No matter if he was the real Doctor or not, she couldn't lose him. No matter if he had only one heart, no matter if he was part Donna, no matter if he wanted to take over the world, no matter what she had to do to keep him. She couldn't lose any version of the Doctor ever again. 

** 

Jackie was telling the Doctor all about Tony when they passed the first houses of the village. The Doctor was glad of the distraction. He wanted nothing more than to hug Rose, to be near her again, but she was still refusing to look at him. 

"There's a little pub here somewhere," Jackie said, "or whatever the Norwegians call it. We can wait there for Pete to pick us up." 

She looked at her phone. 

"Oh, I've got a signal, finally." 

She entered a number into her phone and the Doctor looked at Rose again, who was still walking on, still not turning around. Personally, he thought that getting a proper send-off from his other self might have made things easier for her, but he could imagine how the Doctor had felt, having to leave Rose behind, preparing to wipe Donna's mind. Saying a final good-bye to Rose, that would have been too much. It would have broken him. 

The Doctor thought about Donna again while Jackie made her phone call. Brilliant Donna, reduced to a shell of herself. Wonderful Donna, all alone again. The most important woman in the world, convinced that she didn't matter. He shook his head, pushing the images away. How was it that the universe never got it right? He was back together with Rose but had lost everything else. The other Doctor still had the TARDIS but no Rose and no Donna. 

_For what we want most, there's a cost must be paid in the end._

The Doctor frowned as the quote came unbidden into his mind. What was it with this regeneration and Disney films? The last time he had found himself in a new body, he had quoted the Lion King, and Rose had thought that was brilliant, she had told him so after the TARDIS had taken off towards their next adventure... That faithful TARDIS. 

Thinking about how he would never feel the TARDIS inside his mind again wasn't exactly comforting, and the Doctor noticed with horror that he couldn't just put this thought out of his mind completely, like he used to be able to do as a Time Lord. He supposed that was the fault of his now part-human brain. Well, wasn't that _wizard_? 

"Here we are, then," Jackie said, pointing out the pub and interrupting the Doctor's thoughts. 

"You don't happen to have Norwegian Krones on you, do you?" 

The Doctor could see Rose waiting by the door, arms crossed, staring at the ground. 

"No, sorry." 

"Fat lot of good you are. Rose, d'you have any money?" 

"Only pounds," Rose said. 

"Well, good thing I brought my credit card, then. You two go get us a nice table in there, I want to talk to Anna real quick." 

Rose nodded, and opened the door to the pub while Jackie entered another number into her phone. The Doctor followed Rose to a table in the back, feeling increasingly nervous. This wasn't really a good start between them, Rose ignoring him, and him not knowing what to say, a problem he hadn't been faced with very often until now. Well, never in this regeneration, actually. There were a few other people in the room, it had to be around noon. Not knowing exactly what time it was only added to the Doctor's general sense of uncertainty. This body, this universe, they dampened his sense of time and space, making him feel out of place. 

But no matter how much he'd had to give up, this had to be right, didn't it? Him being here, with Rose? It had to be right. 

"Here we are, then," Rose said when they were both sitting, sounding almost exactly like Jackie. 

"Here we are," the Doctor echoed her. He wanted to tell her so many things, but he didn't know where to even begin. They hadn't seen each other in so long, and the easy connection that they'd once had seemed lost, somehow. 

"So, who's Anna?" 

"Tony's babysitter." 

"Oh, good." 

Rose was staring at the menu, her eyes unmoving. The Doctor took a deep breath. 

"I meant what I said, back on the beach." 

Rose's eyes snapped up to finally meet his. She opened her mouth as if to say something, then shook her head and looked down at the menu again. Her expression was hard, impenetrable. The Doctor remembered the days when he had been able to read her soft face like an open book, and a shiver ran through him. 

"Rose, I—" 

"Please, let's not talk about this now." 

Rose put down the menu to avoid drawing attention to the fact that her hands were shaking, but she couldn't fool the Doctor. 

"Rose, you're hurting," he said quietly, "and I understa—" 

" _Doctor_." 

The harshness of her voice made the Doctor shut up. Rose nodded in the direction of the door, and before the Doctor had time to assess what alien threat was getting in the way of their feelings this time, Jackie started talking behind him. 

"I'm starving. This bloody cannon does a number on you, don't know how you could stand it all those months, Rose." 

Jackie took a seat and Rose raised an eyebrow in the direction of the Doctor. Right. She didn't want to talk about her feelings in front of her mother. Good thing, too, because the Doctor also didn't want to talk about his feelings in front of Jackie. 

"Well, cheer up, you two! We just saved the world!"


	3. You'd Have To Get Mortgage

Finally, the zeppelin took off towards London. Pete hadn't been able to pick them up himself due to some kind of work emergency at Vitex, making Jackie, Rose and the Doctor the only passengers besides the crew. Like Pete, Rose had always regarded having a personal zeppelin as unnecessary, but now she was glad that her mother had insisted on buying one. 

"Rose, I forgot to ask," Jackie said suddenly, "do you want to take the Doctor with you?" 

Rose looked at the Doctor, unsure of how to answer. Living together, in a flat instead of the TARDIS, she didn't know if it was a wise move. She desperately wanted the Doctor to be with her, always; but after everything that had happened, Rose was afraid of wanting too much too soon. She didn't know this version of him well enough yet. 

"Would that be okay for you?" 

She was unable to stop her voice from shaking a bit. Why was she so nervous? He was the Doctor, for crying out loud. Well, a Doctor. But a Doctor that only a few hours ago had told her that he loved her. Which was very unlike the Doctor, when you really thought about it. 

"Where exactly would you be taking me?" 

Oh, right. He didn't know. 

"To my flat. I have enough room, if you... If you want to stay with me." 

Rose's heart was beating fast; she had never expected that this might happen, had always been sure that one day, she would leave this universe for good and go back to the TARDIS. 

The Doctor didn't answer right away. 

"Of course, you could also stay with mum and Pete, they have a guest room. Several, actually. Or a hotel, we could—" 

"I'd like to stay with you. If that's okay." 

Rose was suddenly sure that the Doctor was nervous as well. She remembered the time they had awkwardly tried to tell each other that they wanted to keep travelling together, years ago. 

"Yes, that's okay." 

They looked at each other, and Rose wanted nothing more than to touch him, to make sure that she wasn't hallucinating all of this. These zeppelin seats really hadn't been designed with human interaction in mind, she mused, unable to think of a way to get close to him without standing up and throwing herself into his arms. This wasn't the time or the place for anything as dramatic as that. 

"Well, you're gonna need to furnish the place then, and properly, before he moves in," Jackie announced. "I told you to months back. I'll call Pete, maybe he can arrange something. I think EKIA has a service where you can order something online and they'll deliver on the same day." 

Jackie stood up and went in the direction of the cockpit. 

And just like that, Rose and the Doctor were completely alone in a room together, for the first time in over three years. Well, three years in Rose's timeline. She had no idea how much time had passed for the Doctor, she realised suddenly. 

"EKIA?" The Doctor raised his eyebrows. "Are you sure your mother hasn't lost her marbles?" 

"Yeah, I am. I mean, she hasn't. Parallel world, you know? Some things are a bit different here." 

"I suppose so." 

They looked at each other. He had the same eyes, those same bloody eyes as the real Doctor, that same expression, and Rose bit her tongue in an attempt to calm herself. She wasn't sure what exactly it was that she was feeling, there seemed to be so many emotions, and she didn't want to deal with _any_ of them right now. 

"You okay?" Rose asked, trying to put an end to the awkward silence stretching between them. 

"Yeah, yes. Never better. Molto bene." 

Now there was a lie if she'd ever heard one. 

"If there's something wrong—" 

"Not wrong." He swallowed, looking at her. "Just... different." 

"Yeah, this universe takes some getting used to," Rose said gently, remembering her first months of fumbling around with the weird money and having to relearn how phone numbers worked. 

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair. 

"It's definitely not what I expected." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Well, for one thing, I didn't think I'd end up living with you one day." 

"As opposed to me living with you? Yeah, tell me about it." 

She felt their old connection for a moment, from a time when they'd been completely as ease with each other; when she'd known the Doctor better than anybody else in the world. Then, the moment was gone. 

"How do you figure this is going to work?" Rose's voice was quiet. "You, living in a house. Can you do it?" 

"'Course I can." 

"Are you sure? You don't have any experience living as a human." 

The Doctor raised his eyebrows in protest. 

"Oi, I lived as a human for months! And in 1913! Had to become human, long story, but I can still remember every day. Could do it then, can do it now." 

Rose started. 

"Wait, when you say _become human_ , do you mean you actually—" 

"Oh, yes. The TARDIS has this handy little thing called a chameleon arch, made me completely human, forgot all about my life as a Time Lord." 

Rose stared at him. 

"And you lived as an actual human, single heart and all, in 1913?" 

"Single heart and all." 

"Alone?" 

"No, 'course not. Martha was with me." 

Rose breathed a sigh of relief. 

"Oh, good. Bet she made you keep your head on straight. You, living as a human, I don't think you'd survive on your own." 

"Oi, watch it!" 

"So," Rose continued, ignoring his comment, "you already know what living as a human entails, how it feels... Do you really think you can do it?" 

Rose needed him to be honest. There was a tight knot in her stomach. She couldn't lose the Doctor again, she just couldn't. 

"Yes," he answered, sounding serious. "I think I can." 

Rose couldn't let it go. 

"Because last time we talked about it—not that we really talked about it—anyway, you basically said there was nothing worse than living in a proper house with carpets and doors..." 

Her voice trailed off. 

"Yeah, I might have said that." 

Rose bit her lip. 

"So, you changed your mind then?" 

She could see that look in his eyes that he got sometimes, the look of a man far older than his face suggested. 

"Kinda. I mean, I changed. I'm not that different, mind you! But I did change, a little." 

"New new new Doctor," Rose said quietly. 

It seemed like a lifetime ago, their visit to New Earth, lying on the applegrass together. 

"Is that... Is that okay for you?" 

Rose looked straight into his eyes. 

"You once completely changed your face in front of me, without so much as a warning. I think I can deal with a few more changes." 

It wasn't really a lie. Rose was sure that she would come to accept him as he was now. She just wasn't sure when that would be. 

"Good. Brilliant." 

The Doctor smiled at her, but there was a kind of uncertainty in his eyes that she had never seen there before. She didn't have it in her to attempt to smile back. 

"Is it only because of 1913? I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't wanna." 

"Well, I also had to live in 1969 for a few months. As a Time Lord, without the TARDIS. Martha was there for that as well." 

Rose raised her eyebrows, trying not to let the jealousy show on her face. 

"So she got all the times you were stuck in a house, and I only got the talk where you told me that that would kill you." 

She shook her head at the absurdity of it all. 

"Irony of fate," the Doctor mumbled. "Always a classic." 

He looked at her pensively for a few moments before he continued speaking. 

"I was also imprisoned for a year, wouldn't do that again." 

He was trying to make it sound casual, but Rose wasn't fooled. She couldn't help but gasp. 

"You were _imprisoned_?" 

"Oh, yes. Together with Captain Jack. Well, not together-together, I never actually got to see him, but we were held in the same area. Martha's family was there as well." 

"Oh my god! How did you get out?" 

"Martha saved us. Saved the whole world single-handedly." 

He smiled fondly. Rose stared at the Doctor for a few seconds. 

"Wow, she _is_ good." 

"Yes, she is." 

Rose didn't know what to say. She couldn't really process what he had told her. She imagined the Doctor in a cell, alone, locked into a single room, unable to escape—just the idea of it hurt so much, the Doctor imprisoned, it felt wrong, so wrong. 

"And, of course," the Doctor continued, apparently wanting to change the topic, "I've also got a bit of Donna inside me, and she lived in a house all her life, until I came along. So, living in a house is something I can do." 

"Good. Okay." Rose nodded awkwardly, trying to put all thoughts of prison cells out of her mind. "Would have been a bit difficult if you wanted to live under a bridge, or on a zeppelin or something." 

"Why would I want to live under a bridge?" 

Rose shrugged, suddenly afraid that she had said something wrong. 

"I don't know, sometimes you're doing weird things. Living under a bridge is not that uncommon." 

"I guess not." 

Their interaction had become strangely awkward. Nothing had ever been awkward with the Doctor, well, maybe except for the time right after he had regenerated, but apart from that... 

It felt like there was an invisible wall between them now. Well, Rose thought as she looked out the window, she had only herself to blame. Her damn heart that wanted to scream, while she desperately tried to shut out her feelings. Her damn brain that didn't seem to be working properly. Her damn fucking _Doctor_ who had put her here, who expected her to go on like nothing had happened. She bit the inside of her mouth until she tasted blood. 

The door to the passenger area opened again, interrupting Rose's thoughts. 

"I talked to Pete," Jackie announced, "and he's ordering everything you need right now. The furniture's going to be delivered to your flat at around seven." 

"Thanks, mum," Rose said, suddenly imagining the Doctor assembling EKIA furniture. For a moment, it almost made her laugh. Next second, it almost made her cry.


	4. Never Say Never Ever

When they arrived at the apartment building where Rose lived, it was 6:30 pm already. The Doctor was nervous, which wasn't a feeling he'd had to deal with a lot during his life. He'd always been able to see possible outcomes, to gauge which actions led to which consequences, but that power was lost to him now. He was pretty sure that he would still be able to recognize a fixed point in time, were he to encounter one. Not that the knowledge would be of any use to him now. But when it came to Rose—there was no way to be sure. Maybe he wanted this too much to be able to consider all the possibilities calmly and rationally. A life with her, the one adventure his other self could never have. Oh yes, he wanted that so much that the thought of it made his single heart pound furiously in his chest. It still felt weird, that single heart. The Doctor supposed he would have to get used to it eventually. 

Rose was quiet, apparently lost in thought as they stood inside the lift, going up to the fourth floor. The Doctor wasn't really sure what to say, either. This was different, definitely different, nothing he had ever planned for. 

"Well, this is it," Rose finally said when she unlocked the door. "Sorry if it's a bit messy." 

The Doctor followed her inside, and he couldn't help noticing that the things that were lying around on the floor only stood out because the flat was simply _empty_. There was no furniture in the hallway. The walls were completely bare, painted white, there wasn't a splash of colour or even a single picture. The door to Rose's bedroom stood open, and it was much the same there: bare white walls, only a bed, a night stand and a wardrobe, clothes spread across the floor. He smiled wistfully. Rose had always had a habit of leaving her clothes wherever she happened to take them off. Sometimes, she was in the process of putting them away when something else demanded her attention and she just put them down and forgot to pick them up again. The Doctor was uncomfortably reminded of the time he'd had to search the whole TARDIS for clothes that Rose might have left lying around, so that the next person he took with him didn't have the same reaction Donna did. He could still remember every single item he'd found, and where. 

There were four more doors leading away from the hallway. Rose opened two of them. 

"You can have either one," she told him. 

Both rooms were about the size of her bedroom, and completely unfurnished. 

"Why do you have so many rooms?" 

Rose didn't quite meet his eyes. 

"Pete's idea. Thought that if I had a spacious flat, I would make myself comfortable instead of trying to leave. He even paid for everything." 

"Well, it looks very comfortable," the Doctor said teasingly, trying to cheer her up. Rose's lips curved into a smile for only a moment, but it was a start. 

"I'll take this one," the Doctor said after he had carefully examined both rooms, comparing the pros and cons in his head. "The other one could be our living room. If you want." 

Rose stared at him, and the Doctor got the distinct feeling that she was still struggling with the reality of what was happening. Not that he wasn't, of course. But he had always been an expert at dealing with new situations. 

"Yeah, living room. 'Course. Good idea." 

The Doctor smiled at her, trying to make her smile back through sheer force of will. It had always worked like this, when he smiled at Rose she smiled back, that was basically a law of nature. Apparently, however, laws of nature worked differently in this universe. Rose's only reaction was to avert her eyes. 

"I'm gonna take care of this mess," she mumbled, eyeing a pile of shirts on the floor of the hallway. "Make yourself at home." 

The Doctor stared at Rose for a second, then decided that forcing her into having a real conversation would be excessively rude, and opted instead for taking a look at the rooms he hadn't yet seen. 

First up was the kitchen. The Doctor was somewhat afraid that it would turn out to only contain a microwave, but was proved wrong the moment he opened the door. This was the only room that made it look like a person was actually living here, as far as furnishings went. The Doctor had a sneaking suspicion that he had Jackie to thank for that. The fridge was mostly empty, however, and the only food in Rose's cupboards turned out to be tea bags, instant coffee, two cans of beans and a few slices of bread. 

"Don't you ever eat?" 

"What?" 

Rose walked into the kitchen, a stack of crumpled shirts in her hands, just in time to find the Doctor checking to see if he hadn't missed a hidden stack of food anywhere. 

"Oh. I always eat take-out at work." 

"What about Sundays?" 

"Spend them at mum's, usually." 

The doorbell rang before the Doctor could say anything else. 

"That'll be the EKIA guys," Rose said, putting her shirts down on the kitchen counter. Then she went to open the door. 

The Doctor looked at the shirts. The more things changed, the more they stayed the same, he supposed. The memory of her purple shirt in the control room of the TARDIS refused to be pushed away; Donna had been so frightened and furious. He shook his head a bit. He wasn't about to lose Rose again, he told himself firmly. 

"Speaking of food," Rose said loudly from the door, "we should order something. I'm starving." 

The Doctor made himself stop looking at the shirts and joined Rose in the hallway. 

"Great idea." 

"Chinese sound good?" 

"Sure." 

Rose nodded. 

"Okay, you stay here and sign for our new stuff and I'll make a quick phone call." 

The Doctor nodded. Signing for furniture couldn't be too hard. 

What he hadn't expected, however, was just how many things Pete had bought. He tried to figure out which item was supposed to go into which room, a task that turned out to be virtually impossible even after Rose joined him again, because neither of them had any idea what Pete had actually ordered for them. 

"Where d'you want the sofa?" 

"That room," Rose told the EKIA guy, then she leaned towards the Doctor. "I thought Pete would only get a few things for you, a bed or something." 

"Maybe your mum finally saw her chance to turn this into a real home." 

"She did spend an awfully long time on the phone with Pete." 

They looked at each other, and the Doctor could see that something was not quite right. 

"Are you okay?" 

"It's just all happening so quickly," she said quietly. "Yesterday, I was still..." 

Rose bit her lip and shook her head slightly, stopping herself mid-sentence. 

** 

An hour later, after they had both eaten their food in record time (Rose had underestimated just how hungry they'd both been and wished that she'd ordered more), they were sitting in the Doctor's future bedroom together, having decided that putting up the bed had top priority. Even the Doctor had had to admit that his new body needed more sleep than a Time Lord usually did. 

"I never would have guessed I'd see you like this one day. Actually assembling furniture, and with an ordinary screwdriver instead of your sonic." 

The Doctor sighed. 

"I miss my screwdriver," he said. "Why did he have to take it with him? He can always get a new one from the TARDIS." 

"Maybe it's all that stuff about blood and anger and revenge. Wouldn't want you to be in possession of a screwdriver, who knows what you'd get up to." Rose gave him an appraising sort of look. "I have to say, you don't seem that villainous to me. Don't know what he was on about." 

"Well, you know me. Him. Us?" The Doctor frowned at the sudden difficulty of pronouns. "Always saying the things that get other people to do what we want." 

The sentence made Rose shiver, a cold feeling creeped down her neck and settled uncomfortably inside her stomach. 

"So, you're saying he was manipulating me?" 

He looked at her. 

"Manipulating isn't the right—" 

Rose cut him off mid-sentence. 

"You mean he didn't want me back." 

Her voice was pathetically squeaky and her lip was quivering, even though she was trying to stay calm. Rose moved her hand carefully so that she could put pressure on the half-healed cut on her left thigh. The pain shot through her, stronger than her breaking heart, soothing her until she could breathe evenly again. 

"That's not true! Believe me, I know how he felt. Feels. Is feeling?" 

Again, the Doctor was distracted by grammatical concerns for a moment. Rose wanted to believe him, wanted to believe that the Doctor had not just left her because he didn't care, but the doubt still persisted. 

"Why, then?" 

The Doctor looked like he was deep in thought, not saying anything for a few moments. 

"You know how you ended up on Bad Wolf Bay? Twice?" 

Rose frowned. 

"Yes, I am aware." 

She forced herself to relax her fingers. She didn't want the Doctor to know what she was doing to herself. If he found out how broken she was, maybe he would end up leaving her after all, just like the Time Lord Doctor had. 

The half-human Doctor continued speaking, oblivious to Rose's newfound fear. 

"Because the universes are most permeable at that point. Most connected." 

Rose nodded, making herself think about all this in a scientific way. 

"Right, the OBP. We actually used the OBPs in the original cannon designs, before the USV-fluctuations brought the walls below 0.5 ROSEs and we could choose the destinations more freely." 

The Doctor stared at her. 

"Point five Roses?" 

"Yeah, Mickey's idea. Bit tacky, but we needed an easy way to talk about the designs, and it just stuck." 

Rose shrugged. The Doctor was still looking at her. 

"Stands for Reactive Origin-Sustained Energy," Rose explained, feeling uncomfortably exposed under the Doctor's stare. "1 ROSE means the wall is stable, not breachable. The Daleks tampered with the Universe Stability Value until the ROSE was so low that the Original Breach Points weren't necessary to make the jumps." 

"Right," the Doctor said, suddenly all movement again. _That_ was what had thrown Rose: the stillness in that stare. "So you already know how it works, brilliant! Now, what you don't know is what Donna and I saw right before we found out about the missing planets and the Daleks. We were in that marketplace, lovely little marketplace, and suddenly all the writing changed. Every shop sign, every paper, even the TARDIS doors. All only said Bad Wolf." 

Rose blinked, suddenly completely focused on the conversation. 

"But that was... I must have done that, right?" 

The Doctor continued enthusiastically. 

"Exactly! That was you! Do you think that beach was called Bad Wolf Bay by coincidence? Of course not!" 

"So, you're saying..." 

"When you took the time vortex into your head, you said you'd leave yourself a message. And that message was intended for you in your own past. You didn't need to read the words after that." 

He had a point there, but Rose still wasn't sure what he was getting at. 

"The beach didn't need to be called Bad Wolf Bay. You didn't need to announce your own return by covering a whole marketplace with the words. Why did you do that, then?" 

The Doctor looked at her like he used to, when he wanted her to figure something out herself. 

"A message," Rose said under her breath. She could feel her eyes widen as she suddenly understood. "A message to you!" 

"Oh, you are brilliant, you are!" The Doctor was grinning widely. 

"A message that told you I belong here?" 

His grin disappeared as quickly as it had formed. He nodded. 

"There's no Dårlig Ulv Stranden in the other universe." 

Rose took a deep breath. 

"So, when I could see all of time and space, I decided that this was where I was supposed to end up?" 

"I think so, yes." 

Rose felt like he had punched her in the gut. So _she_ was responsible for all of this? Had she forced him to lose her, broken her own heart in the process, made herself live alone for three years? Rose honestly didn't know which was worse: the Doctor leaving her because he didn't want her, or the Doctor leaving her because he was acting on her wishes. 

"Out of all the possible realities, this is really the best one?" 

"Oi, watch it!" 

"No, I just meant... It wasn't exactly fun, three years without you. And all the other possibilities would have been worse? I find that hard to believe." 

By hard, Rose meant impossible. The Doctor only shrugged. 

"Choices are weird like that, sometimes. A lot of suffering leading to a lot of happiness, and vice versa." 

They spent the next few minutes in silence, immersed in their task of assembling the Doctor's bed. Rose tried not to show any of her conflicting emotions on her face; question after question haunting her. Why was this the best solution? _Was_ this even the best solution? Maybe the Doctor had misinterpreted her message somehow; then again, if she had seen all of time and space in those seconds, she would have made sure to send him a message he would interpret correctly. And the Time Lord Doctor apparently thought it meant she wanted to be left alone with the other Doctor, this Doctor. Rose's hands were shaking at the thought. It was her fault, all her fault if something happened to him now, if he didn't have anybody to hold his hand. How could she have been so selfish? An even worse thought occurred to her: maybe she had sent the Doctor away because that was what was best for him. Maybe it would have hurt him more if she'd stayed with him. 

Rose bit her lip in an effort to make herself stop thinking about all that. She was here, now. She couldn't change anything about that and neither could the Doctor. _Any_ Doctor. 

"We can make it work, though, right?" 

It was difficult to get the words out, but she needed to hear his answer. 

"This bed? Sure. We're almost finished." 

Rose looked at him. This was so like the Doctor. 

"No, I mean us." 

The Doctor paused what he was doing to look at her. 

"Yes, we can make it work. You saw all of time and space, and thought it would be best if we ended up here together." 

Rose didn't reply. She didn't know how to tell him, how to begin to tell him, about her life on this Earth. Would the Doctor still talk like that if he knew? Would he still want to be here? 

"Anyway," Rose said, trying to distract herself, "we have to go shopping, first thing tomorrow. You need more than one suit. And pyjamas, a toothbrush, stuff like that. I'll call Katie, tell her I won't be coming into work." 

"Who's Katie?" 

"My boss. Katherine Richmond." 

The Doctor repeated the name under his breath, looking like he was trying to remember if he had heard it before, but apparently he hadn't. 

"What about Pete? Didn't he take over Torchwood?" 

"Yeah, but he stopped going on missions after Tony was born, hardly even comes into the office any more. He's like the CEO now, and Katie's head of mission control. I report to her." 

The Doctor looked at her. 

"Why aren't you head of mission control?" 

Rose actually smiled at the idea. 

"Because I don't fancy sitting behind a desk all day, and I was off-world much too often to lead the whole team. Nah, I work best as an agent." 

The Doctor smiled back. 

"I can only imagine. Wait, if we go shopping, we need money, don't we?" 

"Yes, that's how it works in most societies." 

"Where would we get money?" 

Rose raised an eyebrow. 

"Doctor, I have money. I worked for Torchwood for almost three years, and it's not like I refused to be paid. Used most of the money to pay my bills, and put the rest in a savings account for Tony. He doesn't really need it, what with Pete being his dad and all, but I always thought I wouldn't need it either. I can revert the account back to my name, should give us about 15,000 quid." 

"Oh. Right. That'd buy a suit or two." 

The look on his face made Rose smile. 

"It's weird, having money saved up," she confessed. "But useful." 

The Doctor turned his attention back to attaching the last piece of wood to the bed frame. 

"I guess I'll need to start pulling my weight around here," the Doctor said. "Get a human job..." 

The disgust was showing on his face. 

"'S not so bad, having a job. Has its advantages, even." 

The Doctor looked up at her for a second, but didn't ask what she meant. Maybe he was sensing that she didn't want to talk about it. The Doctor tightened the last screw, then stood up to look at their handiwork. 

"It'll do," Rose said. "Do you remember where they put the mattress?" 

"Your room, I think. When we ran out of space in the future living room." 

Rose rolled her eyes. 

"I need to have a chat with mum about all of this. I mean, talk about overkill. Where are we supposed to put all this stuff?" 

The mattress actually was in Rose's bedroom, together with at least seven other enormous packages of things Rose hadn't even looked at yet. The Doctor and her started to haul the double-sized mattress into the other room. 

"Okay, different question: _when_ are we supposed to put up all this stuff? I can take a day off work, no problem, but not a whole month." 

"Well, I don't have a job yet. I've got time." 

For a moment, Rose was sure she must have misheard. 

"You're really volunteering to furnish a flat? That you also want to live in? Unbelievable." 

"Well, you know me, I'm good with a screwdriver." 

Rose grinned, and for a moment everything seemed right again, the way it should be. Then her heart started hurting again, and Rose did her best to suppress the smouldering pain inside her. 

They had to search for another fifteen minutes to find bedding, and by the time the Doctor had a usable bed, Rose was exhausted. The Doctor didn't look much better, and Rose remembered that he wasn't used to getting tired like a human. 

"I'm gonna brush my teeth and then I'm off to bed," Rose announced. "So, um, good night, I guess." 

She felt awkward. On the TARDIS she had always just shouted 'Night!' whenever she wanted to sleep, knowing that she would see the Doctor again as soon as she woke up. 

"Rose, wait." 

The sound of his voice made her stop on her way to the door and turn back around. The Doctor was looking at her strangely, with an expression that Rose had always just seen out of the corner of her eye, hidden away under a mask as soon as she looked at him. 

"I know I should have said this years ago, not just today, and I'll try to make up for lost time." 

He took a step towards her. "I love you. I've loved you ever since I met you. So much. I just need you to know that." 

Rose blinked, her whole body frozen for a moment. Then she closed the distance between them and threw herself into his arms, not even kissing him, just desperate to be close to him. She hadn't really hugged him all day long, she realised with a start. How had she been able to go a whole day without hugging the Doctor, now that she could again? Rose was clinging to him as much as the Doctor was clinging to her, neither willing to let go for quite a while. 

Rose didn't say anything, not sure how to put her feelings into words, not sure if she wanted to even voice them aloud. Because what she felt most of all was fear: fear that their relationship wouldn't work like this, fear that she would lose the Doctor again.


	5. Stuck With You, That's Not So Bad

The Doctor woke up, alone, surrounded by unopened boxes containing furniture. He made a mental note to buy a watch today, because not knowing exactly what time it was was as unfamiliar as it was scary. What other abilities had he lost? The touch-telepathy, probably. His understanding of mathematics, maybe. He went through a few mathematical equations. No, he could still do those. And he was pretty sure he hadn't lost any of his memories, even those going back hundreds of years. There was something else, however, he mused as he thought back on the previous day. It seemed like he had a harder time controlling his basic feelings now; he had been so hungry yesterday, a feeling that had been easy to ignore when he'd been a Time Lord. Thinking about food made him realise that he was hungry now, as well. How much did humans eat, exactly? 

Also, he seemed to need a shower. The Doctor crinkled his nose in disgust. Stinking, filthy humans were all well and good when you saw them in the Middle Ages or at the end of the universe, but being one himself? That would take time getting used to. He supposed Rose had also been right about his need for a toothbrush. 

Rassilon help him. 

He could hear Rose in the hallway, talking on the phone. 

"I know," Rose said, then there was a short pause. "Yeah, all closed up. Already tried it." 

The Doctor was pretty sure she was talking about the dimension cannon. 

"No, no, I was—" 

The Doctor could hear the sound of a door being shut, then nothing more. He ran a hand over his face. Of course she'd tried to get back, it was only natural. But he had hoped she wouldn't, foolishly hoped she'd chosen him with all her heart. 

He pushed the thought away and got up. 

When he was finally standing in the shower, the Doctor realised that he still didn't know what time it was. The uncertainty was irritating him so much that it even dampened his amazement at the flowery scent of the shower gel. _Humans_. They really were weirdly wonderful, trying to smell like flowers. And now he was one of them, permanently. He sighed. 

When he was dressed again he got the distinct feeling that he had used too much of Rose's deodorant; this stuff seemed to work differently than the Quiloya he had always stocked on the TARDIS. Maybe he should ask Rose about that. The scent of hyacinth noticeably followed him when he exited the bathroom. Yeah, that had probably been too much. 

"Morning," Rose said from the direction of the kitchen, and the Doctor followed her voice to find her making breakfast. Well, toasting bread and opening a can of beans, anyway. 

"Good morning." 

Rose looked at him. 

"Did you use my products?" 

"Couldn't find anything else." 

Rose nodded. 

"Good point. I'll put that on the list." 

"What list?" 

"The _shopping_ list, Doctor." 

The Doctor grimaced. 

"Oh, that takes all the fun out of it. Shopping by list, that's no proper adventure." 

"I'm pretty sure it'll still be enough of an adventure even with a list." 

** 

"Is this really how human pockets work?" The Doctor wasn't able to hide the slight note of panic in his voice. "How am I supposed to fit all my stuff in there?" 

"Just be glad you can shop in the men's section. Women's clothes usually don't have usable pockets at all." 

The Doctor stared at Rose. 

"That's terrible! We should change that." 

"We can't change the entire fashion industry." 

"Oh, you just watch me." 

"I didn't expect you to use all that anger and revenge to give women pockets, but I'm ready for anything. You want me to try and stop you?" 

The Doctor looked at her, and he was pretty sure that she was flirting. Just like in the old days, but now with the possibility of actually leading up to something. The Doctor smiled lopsidedly. 

"Oh, you can try all you like," he said, his own voice a bit lower now, "you won't stand a chance." 

Instead of replying, Rose leaned over and kissed him. The Doctor closed his eyes. They should be kissing all the time, he thought, almost overwhelmed by the sensation. How did humans make do with only a single heart? Should his heart be beating that fast? Was that dangerous? The Doctor didn't care enough to break the kiss. Rose tasted so good, her lips on his felt so right; the kiss ended far too quickly. 

Her hazel eyes were darker than usual when she looked at him, and the Doctor had the strange urge to rip off her clothes right then and there. Huh. Human sexuality was definitely on the list of things he would have to get used to. He cleared his throat, trying to ignore his new-found desire to mate. What had they been talking about, again? Something to do with pockets, he was sure. 

"So, what do you think about this suit?" 

He looked at her again, and for a moment, the Doctor could see the pain in Rose's eyes, pain and desire mixed together on her face before she swallowed it all down and her expression was a mask once again. 

"Colour could be nicer. But it fits really well." 

She didn't seem to want to kiss him again. The Doctor made himself focus on the suit he was wearing, uncomfortably aware of the fact that there was a difficult conversation ahead of them, a conversation or several about the feelings they were both hiding. He took a deep breath. It had never been easy for him to talk about loss, or guilt, or fear, but they would probably have to at some point. 

** 

"You know what we need?" 

Rose looked at him expectantly. 

"Paint for our walls. I mean, I love a good, solid wall, me. I just don't think they should all be white." 

"Oh. Right. Sure." 

Rose took great care to keep her facial expression neutral, and the Doctor got the feeling that he had hit a nerve somehow. 

"And it's the perfect opportunity to paint them while all our furniture is still sitting in boxes." 

"I guess, yeah." 

Rose swallowed hard, then smiled at him. She was doing a rather good job of it; the Doctor supposed that most people wouldn't be able to tell the smile was fake. 

"What colours d'you want for your room?" 

"Blue. Like a cerulean or a sapphire blue. Love that word, sapphire. Oh, and copper." 

"I can see where you're going with this," Rose commented quietly. The fake smile had vanished from her face. "Are you sure that this life is enough for you? I mean, if you're gonna leave me someday to find your way back to the TARDIS I'd like to know sooner rather than later." 

The Doctor wasn't sure what to say, and even less sure how to say it. 

"No, I'm not—I never—Just because I'm here with you doesn't mean my past doesn't mean anything to me any more." 

"That's not what I meant. Can you look into my eyes and promise me that a human life will be enough for you? Because if I'm going to have to part with you again, I'd like to have a heads-up this time." 

She sounded bitter, an emotion that he had never heard in her voice before. It broke his heart. The Doctor stopped walking and looked right into her eyes. 

"Rose Tyler," he said, "I lost you once. I'm not losing you again. I had to choose between you and the TARDIS yesterday, and I'd make the same choice every time. I promise." 

Rose exhaled slowly, averting her eyes slightly, then nodded. The worst thing about seeing her like this was that she was trying to hide everything she was feeling; he remembered how open she had always been about her emotions and the difference scared him. What was it she was afraid to show him? 

"Okay," Rose said quietly, and the Doctor could see a small drop of blood where she had bitten her lip. "You're right. Okay." 

"So, um—what colours do you want?" 

He wanted to punch himself in the face as soon as he said the words. Classic. Doing everything to avoid talking about the real issue. And for what? Sooner or later, they would need to tell each other the truth, if they wanted to have a chance at a life together. 

"Yellow and a light shade of pink, I think. You were right, those are my colours." 

"Maybe green for the living room. Different shades of green, so that it looks like—" 

"The lights inside the TARDIS. Yeah, I get it." 

The Doctor hadn't even thought about that, but he supposed she was right. Maybe she did have a point about him missing the TARDIS. 

"If you don't want—" 

"No, it's fine." 

The Doctor wasn't sure if things had ever been less fine. Well, maybe that one time when she'd created a paradox and put the whole world in mortal danger. But even that had been different, because fearing for their lives had forced them to talk to each other. There were no creatures to threaten them here, just an uncomfortable silence and the knowledge that if they wanted to work through this, they would have to do it without any outside help. 

** 

Rose didn't comment on the subject again when they were in the hardware store to buy paint rollers and wall paint, not even when the Doctor found a colour that matched the TARDIS exterior perfectly. The Doctor was babbling, not even sure what it was that he was rambling on about, unable to stand the silence. Rose said very little. The Doctor couldn't help but think that maybe, too much time had passed, that both of them had changed too much. She was careful around him now, careful in a way she had never been before. Like she was afraid she was going to say the wrong thing. 

The Doctor didn't know how he could make her understand that he loved her, that he would do anything for her, had seriously considered letting the universes collapse to see her again. Maybe telling her would be a good first step, the Doctor thought wryly. But the hardware store didn't seem to be the right place for a frank conversation, and neither did the car ride home. 

Despite the rather late hour, the sun wasn't close to setting yet, the Doctor noted as he stared out the window of the car. It was the 30th of June, just one and a half days after Donna had touched his hand inside the TARDIS, setting this whole thing in motion. Even after 900 years of being a Time Lord, sometimes the Doctor was still taken by surprise by how weird time could be. 

** 

They had to make several trips between the car and the flat to carry everything upstairs, and when they were finished, Rose excused herself to make another phone call. From what little the Doctor could hear while he looked through his new belongings, it sounded like Rose was calling her boss again to take another day off work. The Doctor wasn't sure how things were done on this planet, but from what he knew of the other universe, bosses weren't too happy with people just telling them they didn't want to work and not showing up. 

Just in time to ask her about it, Rose came back into his room. 

"How come you can just skip work and your boss is okay with it?" 

Rose looked at him. 

"It's not really skipping. If there's a crisis, I'll be there. I'm the best operative Torchwood has, and Katie knew there was a good chance I wasn't coming back from one of the dimension jumps, so she's just glad that I've... _decided_ to stay in this universe permanently. She's giving me a bit of leeway." 

The Doctor decided to ignore her hint at not being able to dimension jump any more. The universes were sealed off for good, neither of them could do anything about that. 

"Best operative, huh?" He smiled at her. "Like I said: Rose Tyler, defender of the Earth." 

The words made Rose wince. 

"Did I say something wrong?" 

"No," Rose said forcefully. "It's fine." 

She had said that earlier as well. The Doctor remembered how his transmission had cut off right before he could say the most important thing, and decided not to make that mistake again. They had to talk to each other. Now was as good a time as any to start. 

"Are you angry at me?" 

Rose stared at him. 

"No, of course I'm not," she said. "Yes, I am. I don't bloody know!" 

"Why are you angry?" 

"It's daft." 

The Doctor wanted there to be no more secrets between them. 

"Tell me. Please." 

Rose began walking up and down the room. 

"It's not even your fault, I shouldn't be... But I am, and I hate that I am, I don't want to be angry at you." 

Rose continued pacing, and the Doctor didn't say anything, sensing she was close to telling him. 

"I spent every waking moment trying to get back to you, practically lived at Torchwood." Her voice was shaking. "And you gave up and replaced me, just like that! And I don't... Martha and Donna are both amazing. But couldn't you have tried harder? Why did you give up?" 

"I did try," he replied quietly, memories of those horrible first days still vivid in his mind, "I tried everything I knew, and I found out the hard way that some things simply aren't possible." 

"And then you went on with your life just like that, new adventures, new companions? I was _miserable_!" 

She shouted the last word, years of pain finally forcing their way out of her. 

"You had the TARDIS and the whole universe and all of time and space and new companions and I had _nothing_! Worse than nothing, I had people left and right telling me it couldn't be done, that I couldn't go back, that it was impossible. My mum and Pete, Mickey, Jake. Even you told me that! Even you… And I couldn't be sure that you loved me back!" Rose's voice faltered for a moment, and the Doctor could see tears forming in her eyes. "You never said the words! Why didn't you ever tell me?" 

The Doctor had asked himself that question many times, countless times, and the answer was that he was a coward, had always been sure that he could still tell her the next day, or the next. And then, all the time in the world had been ripped away from them in an instant. 

"Rose, I am so sorry. I always thought you knew." 

"Of course I knew that you loved me. But not if you loved me just as a friend, or if—I mean, you're a bloody alien! How could I be sure that what we had wasn't just considered normal friendship for Time Lords?" 

The Doctor thought of Donna, suddenly; _a long streak of alien nothing_ , she'd called him. He should have told Rose years ago. 

"I know. I'm sorry." 

Rose nodded, then wiped the tears from her face, head held high. 

"And I think you should know that I didn't leave the TARDIS for weeks after you were gone and the whole thing with the Racnoss was sorted out. Without you, I was… When I was finally ready to get back out there, the first time I left the TARDIS I ran into Martha. I didn't even want to take her with me. But then I did, and it was better than being alone all the time." 

"I never wanted you to be alone, I just wanted you to be with me." Rose sniffed. "This is so stupid. I'm glad you found her and Donna. I really, really am. But I'm also angry." 

"You want a hug?" 

"Yeah." 

Rose practically collapsed into his arms, and the Doctor held her tight, closing his eyes. He would find a way to make this right, he vowed to himself. 

"I could use a pizza," Rose mumbled into his shirt and the Doctor chuckled. 

"Yeah, me too."


	6. Happy-slapping Hoodies With ASBOs And Ringtones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if Samaritans is a good organisation or not, I just googled British helplines run by volunteers and that was the first one that came up. If it's shit in this universe, just pretend it's amazing in Pete's World.

The next day, Rose found herself standing in her flat, holding a paint roller, painting walls together with the Doctor. Never say never ever, indeed. At this point, she should probably just stop having expectations and start accepting everything without questioning it. The Doctor painting walls. In their flat. That they would live in, together. She had seen many strange things during their travels, but this was by far the strangest of them all. 

"I think I really should get a job, you know. Even if it's the most human thing I could possibly do, work 9 to 5..." 

The Doctor looked disgusted again, and Rose raised an eyebrow. 

"You sure you're up for it?" 

"Not really, no. But if I were, it wouldn't count as an adventure." 

The Doctor grinned at her, and Rose realised that he was serious about all this, living as a human, for her. It was still hard to wrap her head around, somehow. He was here. The Doctor, or a version of him at least, was really, truly here, and he wanted to stay with her. 

"You wanna come work with me at Torchwood? That's definitely not 9 to 5, and we could always use someone like you." 

The Doctor frowned. 

"Why would I want to work for Torchwood, after what they did?" 

"Well, this is not the same one. Different planet, remember?" 

Rose imagined it would be just like old times, saving the world together. 

"No," the Doctor said firmly. "I'm not gonna work there. Maybe I'll help out occasionally, if the planet's in danger, and if they ask nicely. But other than that, no." 

"UNIT, then?" 

The Doctor looked at her. 

"Are you sure that you're Rose? Not been replaced by Cassandra or anything? I mean, me, joining the military? Not in a million years." 

Rose supposed the suggestion had been a bit out of character for him, but well, new new new Doctor, you never knew. 

"What do you want to do, then?" 

"I thought I could be a teacher, maybe." 

She remembered their stint with the Krillitanes; the Doctor had been a teacher for a grand total of two days. 

"Don't you need to qualify for that? Take classes and pass exams and stuff?" 

The Doctor sighed. 

"Ah, everything was so easy when I still had my psychic paper." 

"Maybe we can find another way. Although I'm not sure if it's a good idea to base your career on forged documents." 

He looked disappointed. 

"Oh, come on, why not?" 

"Because people aren't daft. Not usually, anyway. If you hand someone a certificate that says you studied at Cambridge or something, they'll want to know more about that. Ask questions about details that you can't answer." 

Rose remembered only too well how difficult is was to come up with a convincing backstory when your whole life defied the laws of the universe and didn't make any sense. 

"Oh, I've always found that people don't question a lot of things, as long as you sell them right." 

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. You know how careful I had to be, outside of Torchwood? I tried going to a pub once, with Mickey and Jake, and all the people I talked to there were asking questions about my past. It was horrible." 

There was a short pause. 

"Wait, so you're saying you don't actually know anyone in this universe besides your family and your colleagues?" 

"Not really, no. I mean, I tried to leave this place, didn't exactly want to get attached to friends." 

Rose had been ready to leave this life behind at any moment; had always carried her most prized possessions on her person, had even written a farewell note to her family ages ago that was still gathering dust inside her night stand. 

"We're changing that," the Doctor announced. "Everyone needs friends." 

"I have you now, don't I?" 

He smiled at her. 

"'Course you do. But I'd like to be more than your friend. If that's okay for you." 

Rose blushed slightly. 

"Yeah, that's okay, yeah." 

They both continued painting the wall in front of them. 

"How do humans make friends, anyway? I always just randomly ran into amazing people when I still had the TARDIS." 

Rose shrugged. She hadn't made new friends in over three years. 

"I don't know, talk to people at the pub, take up a hobby? Join a book club?" 

"All of that does sound very human." The Doctor thought about it for a moment. "Do you think there's a Harry Potter fan club? Wait, they have Harry Potter on this Earth, don't they?" Rose couldn't help but smile softly when she heard the enthusiasm in his voice. 

"Yes, they do." 

"Oh, good. Those books saved the world once. Good old JK." 

Rose looked at him, eyes wide. 

"Did you meet her?" 

"No, I didn't. But I did meet Shakespeare, and then the Carrionites attacked, and we needed a spell to stop them. Will improvised the first few lines, but he didn't know how to end the verse, so Martha shouted Expelliarmus." 

He smiled fondly at the memory, but before Rose could ask one of her many questions, he already started talking again. 

"Or maybe I could meet other science geeks. No, I would end up talking about something that hasn't been invented yet, not a good idea. What do you want to do?" 

Rose thought about that for a minute, resolving to ask her questions about Shakespeare another time. She had never really made any plans for the future beyond finding the Doctor, and she supposed he was right: she needed to do something with her life beyond her job, now that adventuring through all of time and space was out of the question. 

"I'd like to help people, y'know like counselling or something. Working at Torchwood might save the world from time to time, but it's always a bit impersonal. You never actually talk to the people whose lives you just saved." 

The Doctor smiled at her with that smile he always had when he was proud of her. 

"I think you'd make a great counsellor. Isn't there that helpline that's run by volunteers?" 

"You mean Samaritans?" 

"That's the one." 

Rose thought about it. 

"Actually, that's not a bad idea." 

The Doctor was visibly excited. 

"Look at us, planning to take up hobbies, being all human. Now there's an adventure I've never had." He winked at her, and Rose grinned back. His hope was contagious, making her forget that she had spent the last night tossing and turning in her bed, kept awake by her fear and grief and somehow still-persisting anger. When the Doctor smiled at her, all of that was gone for a glorious moment. Rose closed her eyes for a second, pushing her feelings away. They already kept her up at night, she didn't need them pestering her during the day. 

They had almost finished painting the wall they were working on, which Rose had to admit didn't look half bad. Maybe the Doctor was better at being domestic than he always pretended to be. 

"Why d'you want to be a teacher?" 

"Because I've already worked as one, know what it's like. Mind you, that was in 1913 and human me was rubbish at it, but this me? I'd be a great teacher." 

Rose looked at him. 

"You'd have to talk a bit more slowly, though. So that the students can actually follow what you're saying." 

"Oi!" 

Rose started to laugh, and after a moment the Doctor was laughing, as well. She wished it could be like this all the time, everything right between them like back in the old days. Except that now, when she let herself be happy, the other emotions rose up as well, and then she felt like throwing up. They would make it work, though, she assured herself, the Doctor had promised they could make it work.


	7. I Know A Thing Or Two About Aliens

The Doctor was looking around Rose's office. While they had managed to paint all their walls in one day, most of their furniture was still sitting in boxes. Rose had insisted on taking him with her to Torchwood instead of letting him unpack. In the Doctor's opinion, it was highly unlikely he would need an ID any time soon, but the Doctor hadn't been able to convince Rose to drop the subject and now here they were. Granted, he hadn't tried too hard to convince her; she had a point, after all. Better safe than sorry, especially without being able to quickly escape in the TARDIS if push came to shove. 

Rose's office was rather small, and extremely messy. There were plans lying around of all sorts of inventions, both human and alien; most prominently the schematics of the dimension cannons. There was a shelf full of files with labels like 'Explosion Nottingham 2008' and 'Project Gamma Nine'. However, when the Doctor looked closer, it became apparent that this office was also conspicuously impersonal. There were no pictures of Rose's family, or even a potted plant. Just as though Rose had expected somebody else to take over her work at any moment, and she probably had. 

"Alright, this is the Doctor," Rose said behind him, and the Doctor turned around to find himself face to face with Rose and a black woman in her early forties. "Doctor, this is Katherine Richmond." 

"Pleasure to meet you," Katherine said, shaking the Doctor's hand. 

"And you." 

"You must be a remarkable man, are you sure you don't want to work for us?" 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, looking at Rose. 

"It was the first thing she asked," Rose said with a shrug. 

"Yes, I'm sure," the Doctor told Katherine firmly. "Why would you want me to work for you, though? You don't even know me." 

"Oh, Jake and Mickey told me enough. And Rose was obviously desperate to get back to you, which says more about you than the boys ever could." 

"Right." 

The Doctor had to concentrate hard to understand what she said next; the only thought that really took hold in his mind was how wonderful Rose had to be at her job for her boss to say something like that. Jake, and even Mickey, no matter how much fun he had made of him, weren't exactly amateurs. 

Then another thought occurred to him, something that seemed to stand out more now, even though he had been aware of it before: Rose had always worked to get back to the other Doctor. He was sure that she wouldn't have chosen this life if the other him hadn't pushed her away. 

"Frankly, we usually screen aliens extensively before we allow them to join human society. But I think if we follow standard procedure this one is going to murder us all." She looked at Rose affectionately. "So we'll skip a few steps in your naturalisation. Shouldn't take more than a week in total." 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. 

"How long does it usually take?" 

"Two months," Katherine stated matter-of-factly. 

Rose grinned at her. 

"I would definitely murder all of you." 

The Doctor got the distinct impression that this was an inside joke between the two women. 

"Right," he said, "can't have that." 

"Follow me. We'll do your ID first," Katherine explained while they were walking to another part of the building, "figure out the most important details, name, birthday, stuff like that. Then we'll give you a backstory, a bank account, NI number, place to live—" 

"Katie," Rose interrupted her, "he's already got a place to live." 

"Good, that means less work for Matt. We'll also make sure that your taxes are in order, register you with the NHS and the like. However, if you do have a health issue, please always come here for treatment. Nobody except us is supposed to know that we've got aliens living among us. One visit to the doctor could complicate things enormously." 

"Got it," the Doctor nodded. "Why do I need to be registered with the NHS, then?" 

"Because it'll look suspicious if you aren't. This process is all about making you seem like an average human being in every possible way." 

The Doctor nodded again. 

"Right," he said. Average human being, the phrase didn't sit right with him. The Doctor suppressed a comment on the subject, hating the fact that he didn't quite feel free to say whatever he wanted, being dependent on Katherine's good will. Usually, he never cared about such things, but if it affected his time with Rose? He simply couldn't risk it. 

Five minutes later, he was sitting in front of a computer with Rose and a young man who had introduced himself as Matt. 

"Matt will handle the details. Have fun," Katherine said, and left the room. 

"Alright," Matt said. 

He seemed somewhat bored. The Doctor couldn't help but wonder just how many aliens he had naturalised. Maybe he could meet some of them. 

"First things first: everything we decide here will become your permanent identity. When we're finished you'll get a few pages containing all the details, I recommend you learn them by heart. Be ready to cite your date of birth in your sleep, or how old you were when you broke your arm." 

"I never broke my arm!" 

"Doesn't have to be a broken arm. But a person who has no medical record raises a lot of suspicion. We want your existence to look realistic." 

The Doctor remembered Donna looking through the personnel files when they had investigated Atmos. Thinking of Donna hurt. The Doctor looked at Rose. 

"Did they make you go through all these questions as well?" 

"Yeah. But this part was easy for me, I had a human life before I met you. Didn't have to make up a birthdate or the chicken pox when I was five. It was more difficult to find a good explanation for my connection with mum and Pete." 

"Okay," Matt said, before the Doctor could investigate further. "Name?" 

The Doctor made a mental note to ask Rose later how exactly they had explained her sudden appearance in this universe. 

"John Smith." 

"No middle name?" 

The Doctor thought for a second. He was pretty sure they wouldn't let him call himself John Donna Smith, and the male versions unfortunately didn't sound good. John Don Smith, that was just silly. John Donald Smith? Nope. 

However, he wanted Donna represented somehow; after all, she had given him life, this life, in exchange for her own. 

"Wilfred," the Doctor said. 

"Alright, John Wilfred Smith coming right up," Matt said while typing in the name. "Date of birth?" 

"39 slash gamma four, 200,100." 

"Please take this seriously." 

"I am! That's the day I regenerated. Oh, wait. The day I started existing could also be the 28th of June 2009. Now there's an interesting question." 

"Let's say June 28th, 1975." 

That would make him 35 years old. He supposed the number matched how humans interpreted his face. 

"Place of birth?" 

The answer to that was the TARDIS, no matter how you looked at it. 

"Chiswick," the Doctor said. 

Rose's intercom beeped. 

"Rose, you're needed in mission control." 

She stood up. 

"Sorry, Doctor, got to go. See you in a bit." She smiled at him, then tapped her intercom and started walking towards the door. "Nigel, I told you not to touch that thing before I could take a look at it." 

The Doctor watched her leave, mesmerized. Rose was much more confident here than she was around him these days, completely at ease. He wanted nothing more than for her to feel like this when she was with him, but he supposed they needed time to get there. Curious thing, time. Sometimes it seemed like there was never enough of it. 

After half an hour of inventing a human backstory with Matt, however, it seemed more like there was much too much time, the minutes dragging by sluggishly and the Doctor wondering what exactly Rose was doing in mission control. Maybe he should take a look. 

"Where's the loo?" 

"Down the hall, on the right. Can't miss it." 

"Thanks," the Doctor said, and bolted. 

It was surprisingly easy to find mission control: it was located right at the top of the building, exactly where the Doctor had suspected it would be. The two Torchwoods had that in common, at least. 

Less convenient was the fact that he had to be careful not to be seen by anyone. From what Katherine had said, the Doctor was sure that his presence here hadn't gone unnoticed, and he wasn't particularly keen on being found doing something he shouldn't. To his own astonishment, he made it to the door without incident. 

He opened the door just a smidge in order to take a look. Everybody inside mission control was staring at a big screen, obviously a live transmission from inside a space ship. 

"… just not acceptable," he could hear Rose say over the transmission. "You know full well that we have neither the capacity nor the capability to support something like that. Planet Earth is a neutral world, and we will not be pulled into an interplanetary conflict." 

The Doctor opened the door a bit further, to see who Rose was dealing with. Oh, that was strange. He didn't recognize this particular species. 

The uniformed alien said something to Rose, and the Doctor had never missed the translation circuits of the TARDIS more. He still had dozens, hundreds of languages inside his brain, but that didn't help him when it came to a completely unknown race. 

Rose seemed to understand them, though. 

"No. We have always been firm on this. The general public is not ready for something like that." 

The alien said something again. 

"I am fully aware, thank you. As I've told you—" 

"Doctor." 

The Doctor started, turning around. Matt was standing there, hands in his pockets, still seeming bored. 

"Come with me, and I won't tell anyone about this." 

"Oh, come on," the Doctor whispered, closing the door to mission control again. "This is much more fun than making up a story about how I got the flu in kindergarten." 

"The Prakipt are here every other week, trying to get us to join the war. It's no big deal." 

"War? What war?" 

"Please, just come with me. The paperwork will be atrocious if you're found spying on mission control." 

"Oh, screw paperwork." 

"We'll also hold you for extensive screening. It's protocol. If you want, you can stay here and then explain to Rose why you're not coming home for a month." 

The Doctor's curiosity was insistent, but even more insistent was the fact that he'd rather not be separated from Rose for a month. He couldn't be separated from her again. The Doctor made a show of rolling his eyes, but followed Matt back to his office without another word. 

As soon as the office door was closed behind him, he started asking questions. 

"What war? Why's Rose on that spaceship? Who exactly are the Prakipt? Who are they fighting against?" 

Matt exhaled slowly. 

"How should I know? Do I look like I work in mission control? No, I bloody don't, do I." 

"Wait, how did you know where to find me?" 

Matt shook his head. 

" _Going to the loo_. You heard that excuse once, you heard it a thousand times. Everyone gets bored filling out these questions. And that you were going to look for Rose, well, that was just obvious." 

The Doctor could feel his face falling a bit. So much for his clever plan. He sat back down, resigning himself to his fate. 

"Right, so, flu in kindergarten. What else?" 

** 

As always, Rose was transported back to Torchwood without incident. Commander Thrylax had a tendency to call when it was least convenient for her. Maybe they were hoping she would mess up and promise weapons to the fleet or something. 

Well, she was much too good of an agent to let that happen. 

After filling out the standard form (after the third time the Prakipt had appeared, Katherine had changed the protocol from writing a full report to just answering a page of yes-or-no questions), Rose returned to Matt's office. She felt like she needed a holiday, wanted nothing more than to spend a bit of quality time with the Doctor without having to worry about the state of the world or the death of all existing universes for a change. 

"Why can't I have ten A-levels?" The Doctor was asking just as Rose opened the door to Matt's office. "I'm brilliant." 

Rose shook her head, smiling fondly. 

"Didn't Katie give you that speech saying we want to make you seem like an ordinary human?" Matt sounded exhausted. "Anyway, nobody has ten As." 

The Doctor looked up as Rose closed the door behind her. 

"Rose, tell him." 

"Doctor, you can't have ten A-levels." 

He looked deeply disappointed. 

"Et tu, Rose?" 

"Sorry." 

"Well, how many can I have?" 

Matt was massaging his face. 

"No more than five at most. Preferably only three or four." 

Rose sat down next to the Doctor again. 

"Come on, 's not so bad. I don't have any A-levels at all and I'm doing okay." 

"But I want people to know that I'm—" 

"That you're what, Doctor? Better than the rest of us?" 

They stared at each other for a moment. 

"That's not what I meant." 

"Are you sure?" 

Rose bit her lip. Why was she so cranky all of the sudden? She'd just headed a successful mission, she shouldn't be feeling like this. 

"Anyway," Matt said to break the silence, "what subjects would you like?" 

"Physics, maths, further maths and chemistry." 

"Not history?" 

Rose smiled at him, trying to smooth over her earlier comment. 

"Bad idea in a parallel universe. History's different, science is the same." 

The Doctor turned towards her, looking at her intently. 

"Rose, who are the Prakipt?" 

Rose started. 

"What? How did you—" She narrowed her eyes. "Did you follow me?" 

"Might have done, yeah." 

Rose's mouth fell open. 

"Doctor, if you were found listening in on mission control, you'd be held here! For weeks! Matt, did you have anything to do with this?" 

Matt returned her gaze steadily. 

"Yes, I prevented him from being found out and put in a holding cell. A thank you would be nice, from either of you." 

Rose exhaled slowly, forcing herself to stay calm. 

"Thank you, Matt." She turned to the Doctor again. "You risked being detected and taken away from me? Am I that unimportant to you?" 

The Doctor looked shocked. 

"No, of course not! Never! I just wanted to know what you were doing." 

"And you couldn't wait until I came back and simply ask me?" 

"Come on, where's the fun in that?" 

"Doctor, this isn't—I know this is difficult, but this isn't like our old life. You can't just do something reckless because it's more fun." 

Matt stood up. 

"I'm gonna… Coffee," he mumbled, leaving the room as fast as he could. 

Rose kept staring at the Doctor. 

"Well, frankly, I just feel a bit out of the loop here." 

The Doctor sounded agitated, and Rose couldn't prevent anger from bubbling up inside her. 

"What, so it's okay for you to never tell me stuff, making decisions for me without ever actually talking to me, but I have to tell you every little detail about everything that's going on in my life? Figures." 

"If it involved dangerous species that I've never seen before, then yes!" 

Rose bit back a laugh. 

"Dangerous species? Are you kidding me? I talk to Commander Thrylax just about every two weeks, I know exactly what they're going to say, they know exactly what I'm going to say, there's nothing dangerous about it. In fact, these talks are much less dangerous than the dimension jumping, and I survived that just fine." 

Rose wanted to shout at him, wanted to shake him, wanted to make him understand that she wasn't that helpless shop girl any more, that she was a Torchwood agent now. 

"And I still can't believe you put yourself in danger like that! Not that I'm complaining about the outcome, but I never wanted you to do that." 

Rose glared at him. 

"What _did_ you want me to do, then? Stay here and _wither and die_? Like a good little human?" 

The Doctor obviously wanted to say something but Rose continued talking more loudly. 

"No! You don't get to make these decisions for me any more. You don't get to tell me that I shouldn't go on missions and do my job, when this is all I've done for the past three years. This is what I'm good at! This is who I am!" 

She could feel the tears stinging in her eyes and she hated it, hated that she was about to cry right now when she wanted nothing less than to seem vulnerable. Rose wanted the Doctor to accept her the way she was, with all the differences, and at the same time she was terrified that it would make him realise his feelings were for a version of her that had ceased to exist years ago and leave her. 

"I'm not telling you not to go on missions!" The Doctor sounded just as emotional as she felt. "I just want to know what's going on. I want to know if I have to fear for your life or just be mildly concerned about you catching a cold or something." 

There was a short silence. 

"Would you rather I left Torchwood?" 

"Yes, actually." 

"Well, tough, 'cause that's not happening." 

"I know, that's why I didn't ask you to leave, and I never will." 

They stared at each other for a long moment, then the fight left Rose. Her shoulders slumped and she averted her eyes. 

She knew how he felt, that was the worst part, she knew exactly what it felt like to be stranded on a planet that you knew nothing about, unable to help and support the person you loved. 

"You don't have to fear for my life," she said quietly. "I can handle myself." 

"I know. Doesn't stop me worrying." 

She looked at him again, already regretting the whole conversation. It came too close to something that she couldn't put into words yet, something that hurt so much she was afraid to give it any thought. 

"You could always come work here with me. Keep an eye on things." 

The Doctor seemed torn for a moment. 

"No," he said then, firmly. "I'll help you when you ask for my help, always. But I'm not going to spend my one life working for Torchwood. I can handle being worried." 

Rose pushed down her feelings again, wondering for how long she could keep doing that before they all burst out of her. But for now, it worked. 

"Look, I can't promise to always be able to tell you everything about my missions. Most of them are classified anyway. I'll tell you as much as I can, though. Deal?" 

"Deal," he agreed. "I have a total of 26 questions about the Prakipt. No, make that 27." 

Rose felt a small smile tug at her lips. 

"Shoot. I don't think Matt's coming back any time soon."


	8. I Don't Do Families

The next morning was a Saturday, and the Doctor was assembling his future wardrobe while memorizing the eleven pages containing his new personal history. Since this was all really happening, and he would actually have to live the rest of his life as a human, he was going to do it right, the Doctor had decided. 

"Rose, could you give me a hand?" He called when he realised that the instructions had been right: this was a two-person job. 

"In a minute," Rose shouted back. 

She looked very tired when she came into his room, still in her pyjamas. 

"What d'you need?" 

He smiled at her. 

"Could you hold that thing there for a second?" 

Rose nodded, then kneeled down next to the half-finished cabinet, yawning. 

"We need to visit mum today," Rose announced. "She just said that if we don't show ourselves soon she's gonna come here and give us the dressing down of a lifetime." 

"Oh, definitely wouldn't want that." The Doctor made a face. "What time are we supposed to be there?" 

"In time for tea, I s'pose." 

The Doctor smiled. 

"Then we still have a few hours to finally put up all this furniture. Brilliant!" 

Rose nodded slightly. 

"Think I might need coffee first," she mumbled. 

Rose really did look tired, the Doctor noted; she had dark circles under her eyes like she hadn't slept in days. 

"Are you alright?" 

"Yeah, sure. Just didn't sleep well, is all." 

The way Rose said it, her voice a little too casual, made the Doctor suspect that there was more to this story than she was letting on. 

"You know you can talk to me if there's anything—I mean, not to say that there is anything, but if there was, you could talk to me." 

Yeah, that had sounded better in his head. 

"I'm fine," Rose said quietly. "I'll be fine." 

The Doctor didn't miss the fact that the second sentence had a very different implication from the first. However, he wasn't sure how to get her to tell him what was going on, if she continued to insist that there was nothing wrong. 

"Well then, this thing should go into that corner there." 

Despite its weight, they managed to carry the giant piece of furniture into the right place. Rose yawned again when she left the room. 

** 

Rose felt increasingly like she had no room to breathe. Every day things happened so fast; since the moment she had chosen this Doctor at Bad Wolf Bay, her life had turned upside down. It was impossible to relax, every day left her exhausted, and every night she spent worrying about the future. Rose felt like her body was tense all the time, almost to the point of pain. And no matter how much she loved her mother, she would much rather spend this afternoon in a massage parlour or lying on a beach in the Caribbean. 

Well, there was nothing she could do, Rose thought as she pulled into Pete's driveway. She felt like a chess piece, being moved around the small confines of a board by other people, unable to even consider what she herself needed. 

"I loved that kitchen Pete had, you know, those little blue things on the wall? Amazing. I hope that's still the same. Feels like lifetimes since I've been here," the Doctor babbled. "Did your mum make a lot of changes?" 

"A few," Rose said as she got out of the car. "She had the living room repainted, new curtains, stuff like that. And me and Tony both got rooms upstairs now, I usually stayed the night on weekends until, well, last weekend." 

Now she was rambling as well. What she really wanted to say was that she felt like she couldn't breathe, even though her lungs were working just fine. 

Jackie opened the door before Rose even had the chance to knock. 

"Finally," Jackie announced. "Heard your car in the driveway, it's about time you two showed up. We save the world together and then you don't even give me a call for days!" She looked at Rose sternly. 

"Sorry, mum," Rose mumbled. 

"And Doctor, you have to meet Tony. Where is that boy?" 

Jackie turned around to look for Tony, and the Doctor leaned over to Rose. 

"How long are we going to be here, exactly?" 

Before Rose could answer the question, Pete was walking up to greet them. 

"Doctor, good to see you again! And this time, you don't even have to sneak into my house, am I right?" 

"Oh, I loved sneaking into your house, maybe I could do it again for old times sake." 

Pete laughed, and Rose forced herself to smile as well. She didn't want to think about that experience, it had been the cause of all of this, had ultimately ripped her away from her life with the Doctor, the Time Lord Doctor, the _real_ — 

She interrupted her own thoughts. No, the other Doctor wasn't more or less real than this Doctor, who was talking to Pete right now. Why was this so difficult to get into her head? But deep down, the other Doctor still seemed more like the Doctor than this Doctor, and Rose hated herself for thinking it. 

Why was everything confusing at a time when she didn't want to be confused? 

"Doctor, meet Tony," Jackie was saying, carrying Tony in her arms, as Rose trailed behind the others in the direction of the sitting room. 

"Hi there," the Doctor said with a smile. "I'm the Doctor." 

"No," Tony declared with absolute certainty, after eyeing the Doctor critically. "Thedoctor has blue box. You don't." 

There was a moment of stunned silence. Rose could feel the blood rushing into her face, glad that none of the others were looking at her. Out of the mouth of babes. 

"Sweetheart, he just doesn't have the blue box with him right now," Jackie started to explain, "but he is the Doctor." 

"Thedoctor _always_ has blue box," Tony insisted. "Rose said." 

And now everyone _was_ looking at her. Why was there never an alien invasion when you really needed one? 

"Hi Tony." 

Rose waved at her baby brother, a fake smile on her face. 

"Anyway," Pete said, "why don't we continue this in the sitting room?" 

The Doctor's eyes met Rose's, and they looked at each other for a long moment before the Doctor turned around and followed the others. Rose felt like there was a heavy lump of lead inside her stomach, poisoning her. 

"Interesting choice of name, by the way," Pete was saying when Rose finally entered the sitting room, "John Smith. Bit too conspicuously bland if you ask me, but if that's your thing..." 

"Yeah," the Doctor replied, "I like that name, John Smith. Have been using it for ages." 

"I've been told you don't want to work for Torchwood. Is there any—" 

"Rose," Jackie said quietly, forcing Rose to stop listening to the Doctor's and Pete's conversation. "Are you okay? Everything going well with him?" 

Jackie glanced at the Doctor. Rose didn't know how to answer that question truthfully. She didn't even really know what the truth was in the first place. 

"Mum, I'm fine. We're managing." She took a breath. "By the way, couldn't you have warned us about all that furniture you bought for us? We still haven't finished putting it up." 

"What have you been doing all this time, then? It's been days." 

"Well, we bought clothes and everything for the Doctor, you know how it is getting stuck in another universe with only one outfit. Then we painted the walls of our flat—" 

"What, yourselves? I could've paid a professional. You only have to ask, you know that." 

Rose shrugged. 

"The Doctor thought it was more authentic that way. You know, the human experience. Only get to paint your first flat once." 

Jackie shook her head. 

"That man's bonkers. But whatever makes you happy, sweetheart." 

She smiled at Rose, and Rose tried very hard to smile back. 

"And yesterday we spent the day at Torchwood," Rose continued, "giving the Doctor a human backstory. So we've been quite busy, actually." 

"Well, just be careful not to be too busy. You need time to get to know each other again. Those two weeks I spent with Pete in the Bahamas, best decision of my life." 

"Mum, I've got a job. I can't just take two weeks off out of the blue." 

Jackie shook her head again. 

"Sure you can. You're the boss's daughter." 

Rose looked at her mother sternly. 

"You know I don't want to ask for favours. That is not fair to my co-workers, who all work as hard as me, no matter what you think." 

"Then call in sick, I don't know, don't they give you vacation days at that bloody—" 

Tony was running towards them. 

"Cake! I want cake!" 

Jackie swooped him up in her arms and kissed him. 

"Mummy, I want cake!" 

"Sure you do, sweetheart. We'll have cake in a minute." She turned to Rose one more time. 

"Bahamas. Listen to your mother for once, please." 

** 

"Had to learn that bleeding autobiography by heart, didn't I? Actually helped to explain Rose's sudden appearance in this universe, did she tell you that? Because—" 

Rose couldn't take it any more. She got up, hands shaking. 

"Everything okay, sweetheart?" 

"Mum, I'm fine. I just need to check something for work real quick." 

That was always the best excuse, even if her mother was remarkably good at finding out everything that happened at Torchwood, even the most highly classified information. Rose supposed Pete had something to do with that. 

She climbed the stairs quickly. Her heart was racing, she realised as she closed the door of her room behind her. Her whole body felt uncomfortable, like her skin was a size too small. Rose collapsed on her bed, closing her eyes. 

This was the moment. Every emotion she had suppressed and ignored over the last few days, every one of them was too close to the surface, trying to break free. Rose punched her thigh desperately, but the pain didn't help much right now. 

Everything felt so wrong, so bloody wrong, and she didn't know how to make it right. Over the past couple of years, Rose had always known what to do, her goal had always been to return to the Doctor. Even when it had seemed impossible, she had always been able to tell herself that one day, she would make it back to him, that everything was going to be fine. Not that she had always believed it. 

But now, she knew for a fact that simply having the Doctor in her life didn't magically make her happy and take care of all her problems. In hindsight, it had been naive to think so, but Rose couldn't help but feel betrayed by her own hopes. She had what she wanted now, at least kind of, didn't she? But even so, she wasn't happy. Again, Rose felt like she couldn't breathe. 

There was a knock on the door, making Rose jump. 

"Rose, it's me." 

Of course it was him. Of course he couldn't leave her alone for five bloody minutes. Rose sat up on the bed, taking out her phone like she was checking her messages. 

"Come in." 

Rose tried to go for a neutral expression, not quite sure if it was convincing. 

"Did you need something?" 

The Doctor closed the door, looking at her intently. 

"Rose, please talk to me." 

She knew exactly what he meant, but if she ever didn't want to have a conversation, it was the one that was about to happen. 

"It's not like I'm not talking to you." 

"It's obvious that something's bothering you. I'd like to know what it is." 

Rose could feel her shoulders tense up; the back of her head was tingling. She wanted to scream, just scream until her throat was sore and all those maddening emotions were purged from her soul. 

"I'm fine." The lie sounded pathetically weak. 

"No, you're not." 

The Doctor looked at her with concern in his eyes, and for some reason, seeing that sent Rose finally over the edge. She tucked her mobile back into her pocket and stood up, holding her head up high. 

"You're right, I'm not. I'm not bloody fine. Happy?" 

The words sounded angrier than she had intended, vicious even. She took a breath, trying to calm herself. 

"Anything else?" 

"Rose, please tell me what's going on." 

She almost wished he would shout at her, that would make it easier to shout back. 

"I can't breathe," she said forcefully, "that's what's going on, I feel like I can't breathe." 

"Because of me?" 

" _Yes!_ I don't—I should be happy but I'm not! I'm just so afraid of losing you all the time, I can't even enjoy being with you." 

"You're not going to lose me." 

"Are you sure? What if you realise that living in a house isn't really your thing after all? What if you get to know me, the way I am now, and it turns out that it's not me you want? That the version of me you loved is dead and gone? What if something happens to you, now that you can't regenerate?" 

"Rose, I can promise you that—" 

"No, you bloody can't! Don't lie to me. And please, don't lie to yourself either." 

The Doctor had that look in his eyes that made it seem like sparks would be erupting from him any second. Rose felt a strange kind of admiration. She hadn't seen him like this in so long, too long. 

"I _can promise_ you that I want to be with you, the way you are now. Do you really think this is new territory for me? I grew up with people regenerating all around me, changing their faces and personalities. Sure it takes a bit of time getting used to a new regeneration, but you know that it doesn't take too long. And you know that you don't stop loving a person just because they change. You know that better than anyone on this planet." 

Rose looked at him, swallowing hard. He had a point there. 

"You're still the Rose I fell in love with," the Doctor said, his voice harsh despite the tender words. "It doesn't matter if you look a bit different or act a bit different, because your heart and soul are still the same." 

Before she could respond, the Doctor continued. 

"And as far as houses go, that's not the worst thing for me, not by a long shot. The worst thing is that I can't feel the TARDIS in my head, and that I don't have a sense of the universe any more, no sense of time and the past and the possibilities. And no matter what I do, I know I'm never getting that back, so I'm trying to make my peace with it. Living in a house is a piece of cake compared to that." 

There was a short silence. 

"Doctor, I'm sorry, I didn't know." 

"Yeah." 

Neither of them said anything for a few moments. The Doctor's eyes were still sparkling, and Rose could see the pain and the fury inside them. 

"I just," Rose started to say, unable to stop herself, "I believe you think you'll stay with me, but maybe you're deluding yourself." 

The Doctor's mouth fell open. 

"That doesn't make any sort of sense. None, nil, zero—" 

Now Rose was starting to get furious. Why didn't he ever just _listen_? 

"Oh yes, it does. Because the Doctor—" 

"I _am_ the Doctor!" 

" _I know_! But you said yourself, you told me that both of you are the same! So there's a version of you that left me and a version of you that didn't, and no matter how many times you promise me that you're not going to leave, it doesn't change the fact that _he_ already left me." 

"But that's because—" 

"Because he sacrificed his happiness for mine, or believed that I told him to leave me, or thought he didn't deserve me, or maybe all three! Big deal! He still did! He still _could_! And if he could do it, so could you." 

The Doctor looked at her, apparently not knowing what to say. Rose was shaking. She had never wanted to be proven wrong more desperately in her life, but she knew the Doctor couldn't, because she was _right_. 

"I'm not going to leave you." 

"How am I supposed to believe that?" 

"Because I promised you I wouldn't. I'm asking you to trust me." 

The silence that followed sent an icy shiver down Rose's back. This was what it came down to, she supposed: whether or not she trusted him. 

"He promised, too," she said quietly. 

She could see how much that hurt him. Another thing she didn't want to be right about. 

The Doctor took a deep breath. 

"Well, good thing I've got a lifetime to prove that I'm not going to break my promise." 

There was silence again, and not the good kind. 

"Mum was right," Rose finally said, then took a hanky from her night stand and tried to dry her face without ruining her make-up. "We should go to the Bahamas." 

The Doctor stared at her. 

"Not that I would ever say no when it comes to a good adventure, but what exactly did your mother tell you to do?" 

"Not necessarily the Bahamas. But mum said we should take a few days off and just... get to know each other again. Have a bit of fun." 

The Doctor raised his eyebrows. 

"You think _fun_ will help us deal with this?" 

Rose stared at him. 

"Maybe, yeah! We can at least try, can't be worse than what's already happening." 

The Doctor looked like she had punched him square in the face. 

"You think this is the worst thing that could have happened?" 

Rose wished she could turn back time and stop this conversation before it even began. Was she trying to make him leave her? 

"No. No, I don't." She looked at him, silently begging him to believe her. "Sorry, I didn't say that right." 

The Doctor's voice was very quiet. 

"Rose, I know you. I think that was one of the most honest things you said since I came here." 

Rose felt like she was being choked. 

"It's just that I... I thought I'd find you again and I'd be happy, everything back to the way it used to be. And now nothing's the way it used to be and the past few days I've mostly been tired and confused and scared. And I don't know what to do, how to just enjoy our time together. There's nothing I want more than to be happy with you, but I can't, I just can't." 

The silence that followed was deafening. 

"We should go back downstairs. If we stay up here too long, mum'll want to know what we talked about, and I really don't want to repeat that." 

Rose avoided the Doctor's eyes for the rest of the day.


	9. I Could Spend It With You

The Doctor was walking along a street, not really taking notice of his surroundings. He wasn't even sure where exactly he was, he had just gone outside and started walking, unable to bear the empty flat any longer, and then he hadn't stopped. The sky was appropriately grey, he supposed it would start to rain soon. That was fitting. The people around him all seemed to be wearing harried, grim expressions. Also very fitting. 

He couldn't shake the random parts of the previous day's conversation that were playing in his mind over and over, like a torturous radio he couldn't throw against a wall. 

_He promised, too._

The Doctor still remembered that conversation clear as day, how he had almost told Rose he loved her in front of that dingy pub. He should have told her. Or maybe that would have made everything even worse. 

But that was different, wasn't it? The other him had broken his promise so that his half-human counterpart could keep it, not because he didn't care or because he had stopped loving her. Why couldn't Rose see that? He had given up everything for her, time and space and his beloved TARDIS, he had given it all up without a second thought, just so he could be with her. 

The Doctor wanted Rose to understand, and more than anything, he wanted complete control over his emotions again; those damned human emotions wouldn't loosen their grip on his mind, making him unable to think straight. 

_Can't be worse than what's already happening._

There was a part inside him, courtesy of Donna Noble, that believed Rose was right, that believed he was the worst thing that could have happened to her. What if he had been the Doctor who sacrificed his happiness for hers? Rose would be in the TARDIS right now, or off on some alien world, having an adventure, exactly where she wanted to be. She had done everything to return to that life, and he had taken it from her, deprived her, hurt her, because he was selfish and weak, and all too eager to accept the fate his doppelganger had assigned him. 

_If he could do it, so could you._

The Doctor swore under his breath, elaborate Gallifreyan expressions that described his feelings better than any human words ever could. Why did Rose have to be right? Everything would be so much easier if he could just come up with a good reason for her to believe him, a rational explanation as to how it was impossible for him to do what his other self had done, but no matter how long and hard he thought about it, he came up short. 

He supposed he had been right in saying that Rose would just have to trust him, trust that he wouldn't break his promise to her. 

_He promised, too._

His thoughts were going in circles, much like his body. The Doctor was sure he had seen this street before. Oh, for Rassilon's sake. He had gone and gotten lost. Lost on an alien planet in the most literal sense, without the mental connection to the TARDIS to use as a homing beacon, without his Time Lord sense of spatial relations, without a phone, without money for a cab, and most importantly, without Rose. 

"Fuck." 

Now there was a human expression that was appropriate in this situation. 

** 

Rose was sitting in her office, staring at a file without understanding its contents. 

She had sneaked past Nigel, who was on duty this Sunday, and past Rebecca, who had spent the last two weeks going on about her imminent scientific breakthrough, was refusing to go home, and had even taken to sleeping in her office. Rose wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, not even to say hello. She had written just a quick note to the Doctor before leaving the flat this morning. 

Guilt was weighing heavy in her stomach. Rose was ashamed of her own feelings, of her sudden and inexplicable inability to trust the Doctor. At least she hadn't lied to him when he asked her if she trusted him, that might have been even worse than what she'd actually said. Even so, Rose couldn't stop thinking about their conversation, and the long, uncomfortably silent car ride back home in the evening. 

Why couldn't she just be happy? Everything she could have wished for had been given to her: the Doctor was with her, he had told her he loved her and wanted to be with her, she didn't even have to give up her family… A perfect solution to all her troubles. And yet, she hadn't wanted this. She had never had a chance to even get used to the idea of living with a version of the Doctor that was part human, in a proper house and all, before the Time Lord had practically made her choice for her, left her on that god-forsaken beach, hadn't said the words so that she would choose this life. Rose tried to read the first sentence on the page in front of her again, but the words didn't seem to make any sense. 

Why couldn't the Doctor have given her a real choice, a proper choice, for once in her life? Telling her about her options beforehand, giving her time to think about the pros and cons… No, that didn't sound like the Doctor, Rose thought with a humourless smile. Maybe all the years without him had made her idealise him, but in reality he had behaved exactly as he had before, first on Satellite 5 and then at Canary Wharf. She could still remember his hands sneaking up behind her, forcing her to jump between dimensions against her will. 

The most infuriating thing was that she couldn't even be properly angry at him, because no matter what he had done, there was still a version of him that had stayed with her, a Doctor who had promised her love and commitment and growing old together, everything that the real Doctor would never be able to give her. 

A tear fell heavily onto the page, staining the paper. Why wasn't she happy? What the hell was wrong with her? 

Rose wasn't sure how long she was just sitting there. She wished she could stop time, sort out all her feelings and then start her wonderful life with the new new new Doctor, never looking back. She could imagine it so vividly, coming home to the Doctor after work, kissing him hello, eating dinner together, falling asleep on his shoulder while watching something awful on the telly… The perfect fantasy, that was, something she would never have. Rose was certain of it: the Doctor being domestic would never work out in the long run, he would get bored, and before she knew it he would leave her. He couldn't prove he wouldn't. 

Another tear joined the one already staining the page. 

Paradoxically, what she wanted most of all was to talk to the Doctor, to beg him to forgive her for not trusting him, to give her time, to just hold her in his arms for an eternity, to never let her go. Rose wished she had remembered to buy the Doctor a phone, but with everything that had been going on she had completely forgotten about that, and he hadn't reminded her either. She supposed the only phone he was used to having with him was a certain blue phone box, and that definitely wasn't something you could just buy in a shop. Rose sighed. She just wanted to hear the Doctor's voice, wanted to make sure he hadn't left her yet. 

Maybe she should have listened to her mother, who had told her ages ago to set up a landline phone in her flat. Rose had never suspected that one day, she might need it. 

She checked her watch, and when she finally made sense of what it showed her, Rose stared at it in shock. How had she been sitting there for _three hours_ already? She wiped the tears off the page (the stains stayed visible, _of bloody course_ ) and closed the file, suddenly eager to return to the Doctor, even though just this morning she had wanted nothing more than to get away from him. Rose cursed her conflicting emotions. Why couldn't this just be easy, like a Hollywood film or something? The universe had given her the man she wanted most, new and improved version, even better suited to spending his life with her, and here she was, sitting in her office, crying. 

Rose bit her lip furiously, still not getting up from her chair. It wasn't like she wasn't trying, was it? Why wasn't it enough, why wasn't anything she did ever enough? She had crossed dimensions to get back to the Doctor, she had put her life and her sanity and her health on the line just to see him again, and it hadn't been enough. She had saved the whole bloody universe, and it still hadn't been enough. He had sent her away without so much as a good-bye, had left her without explaining anything to her, because of course he had, because he was the Doctor. 

Rose felt something that she had never felt before: white-hot, unbridled hate. 

She tried to breathe through it, to calm herself down, but Rose realised with disgust that she couldn't shake it. She _hated_ the Doctor. More than anger, more than heartbreak, more than desperation: he had utterly broken her trust, had betrayed her, had forced her to stay here, had made sure she could never see him again. 

_Not to you_ , he had said long ago, and what a lie that had been. The Doctor had lied to her time and time again, and only now was she ready to see it, to finally see the big picture. She had never meant that much to him. If he had loved her as much as she loved him, he would never have been able to send her away. 

And yet, there was another Doctor in this universe, a Doctor who hadn't left her, a Doctor she was still desperate to get back to, even if it was just to scream at him, to demand an apology for all the fucking shit he had put her through. 

Rose wanted to cry, to scream at the Doctor, to punch him in his face, to beg him not to leave her, to rip his bloody clothes from him and fuck him until she couldn't see straight— 

Rose blinked. 

That last one was new. Well, not new, exactly, but she hadn't really thought about all that over the past couple of days. 

Again, she cursed her conflicting emotions. How was she even supposed to interact with the Doctor if she wanted to do all these things at the same time? Not that all of them were necessarily contradictory. She could still punch him while fucking him. 

Rose had to laugh involuntarily, burying her head in her hands. Why was everything such a bloody mess? 

She wanted nothing more than to go home to the Doctor. 

** 

When the Doctor finally found Rose's apartment building again, it was already two in the afternoon, according to his brand-new wristwatch. Maybe he really should get a phone, he mused as he opened the front door with the spare key Rose had given him a few days ago, so that next time he got lost he could simply use Google Maps for directions, or whatever it was called in this universe. How embarrassing that would be! The Doctor shook his head. Not that he planned on getting lost again, but just in case, a phone couldn't hurt. 

Standing inside the lift, he wondered what Rose was doing. She was probably still at Torchwood, avoiding him. The Doctor shook his head. When had they become this bad at communicating, or even being friends? He couldn't help but think that they were doing something incredibly wrong, but he had to admit that he didn't know how to fix the situation, either. He had promised Rose everything he could give her, she only had to accept it, accept him. 

The Doctor unlocked the door to Rose's—no, _their_ —flat, and took off his jacket and shoes that had gotten wet in the drizzling rain outside. He supposed he could work on setting up some of the furniture until Rose got back, anything to stop himself from brooding over the same sentences from last night again and again. 

The door to Rose's room was suddenly opened, and the Doctor didn't even have time to think about what was going on before Rose threw her arms around him. 

"Oh god," Rose whispered hoarsely, barely able to speak, "you're here, I thought…" 

She took a series of deep breaths that sounded like she was hyperventilating. The Doctor caressed her back with his hands, deeply worried. 

"I'm so sorry," Rose continued despite being almost unable to get the words out, "Doctor, please forgive me. I'm sorry." 

"Rose, what—why are you—did something happen to you?" 

The Doctor could feel her shaking her head against his shoulder. He breathed out slowly, somewhat relieved. 

"Okay. Rose, I'm here, yeah?" 

"I thought you were gone." 

Rose's voice was strangled in terror, muffled against his Oxford. 

The Doctor finally put two and two together. She had told him she was afraid he would leave her. Then she had come home to find an empty flat, and unlike her, he hadn't even left her a note. 

_Fuck_. 

The Doctor was so baffled by his own stupidity that for a moment, he didn't even know what to say. He was doing an amazing job of botching his one chance at a life together with Rose Tyler. 

"I'm sorry," he said. "Got lost outside. Took me a while to get back." 

"Oh," Rose replied, her arms still around him. "I really should have bought you a phone. I'm sorry." 

"Don't apologise. It was my mistake." 

Rose let go of the Doctor rather awkwardly, and now he could see that she'd been crying: her make-up was smudged, her eyes red and puffy. 

"Rose, I'm sorry." 

She sniffed. 

"So, you just went out for a walk, yeah?" 

There was a strange tone to her voice. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean, you intended to come back, right?" 

The Doctor stared at her. 

"Of course I intended to come back! What sort of question's that?" 

"You didn't just come back because you didn't have another option?" 

There was a look in Rose's eyes that the Doctor had never seen before, a hard, cold look that sent a shiver down his spine. 

"Rose, if you have something to say, just say it." 

"That's funny, coming from you. Ha ha." 

Rose faked a grin, making her look even less like herself. 

"What's going on with you?" 

The Doctor was almost hoping for an extraterrestrial explanation, but he feared that this was all truly Rose, that there was no Cassandra who had taken over her body this time. 

"You really don't know," she said, "you really have no clue… 'Course not, why would you, you're the Doctor." 

Rose took a deep breath. He could see that her hands were shaking. 

"Okay, Doctor, I'm gonna tell you what's going on. I had a lot of time to think this morning, and you know what I realised? You never actually gave me a choice. And not just a week ago. Even back on Satellite 5, you tricked me, manipulated me. Never the truth, never." 

"But that was—" 

" _Don't_ say that was for my own good. Just _don't_." 

Rose's chest was heaving, her eyes furious. 

"It was, though." 

"But that doesn't make it okay! Those were my decisions to make, and you just, you took them from me! You decided you knew better than me and didn't even bother to ask, not once! Not even last week for the biggest decision of my _life_!" 

The Doctor didn't think it was wise to argue that technically, she could have chosen the Time Lord, when they both knew that wasn't true. 

** 

Rose felt like she was finally getting to the heart of the matter. This was what had weighed on her, what had made her angry and sad and, more than anything, afraid. The Doctor was much calmer than she wanted him to be, if he was calm she couldn't be properly angry with him. Rose took a deep breath and drew herself up, determined to say everything she had to say. 

"You didn't even trust me to make my own bloody decision. Both of you, you forced me here, manipulated me! Like I'm a fucking child!" 

"I told you that we did that because of your message." 

"That is not what I mean! Didn't it ever occur to you, that maybe, if you didn't manipulate me emotionally, that if you just talked it over with me and gave me time to think about it, that this would have been my choice?" 

That gave the Doctor pause. He stared at her, eyes wide. 

"But you didn't even give me the chance to make this decision on my own! You didn't even try! And don't say there wasn't time, because there was!" 

The Doctor was still staring at her. 

"You would have chosen me?" 

Rose glared at him. 

"Well, I guess we'll never know, because you didn't actually give me a choice! This life was my only option, you saw to that." 

"But it would have been a possibility?" 

Rose wanted to scream. Hadn't she proved that she loved him, over and over and over? What else did she have to do to finally make him believe her? 

"I might have needed some time to get used to the idea, but yes! I don't see why not." 

"I just thought you wanted, you know, that life." 

Rose couldn't breathe for a moment. How could he possibly be that daft? 

"If you really think I only tried to get back to you because of aliens or the TARDIS or time travel or anything, then I don't know what to tell you." 

They looked at each other, and the truth behind what she'd said suddenly hit Rose: she might have chosen this life. The thought of growing old together with the Doctor, both of them able to promise each other forever: it was nothing but beautiful. She wouldn't have wanted to leave the other Doctor, but if he had forced her to choose one of them, it might well have been this Doctor. Only the other Doctor hadn't actually let her make a calm and informed choice, he had broken his promises and betrayed her trust and left her behind like an old toy that he had lost interest in. 

"Well," Rose said bitterly, breaking the silence, "glad you're finally figuring out why I travelled with you. Took you long enough, and I told you about my feelings years back." 

She turned around and started walking back in the direction of her room. 

"Rose, what happened to your leg?" 

Rose didn't turn around. She could feel her cheeks blushing thoroughly. 

"Nothing." 

The lie didn't sound convincing. 

"You're not putting weight on your right leg the way you usually do." 

"Yeah?" Rose bit her lip, her whole body shaking. "Well, it's none of your bloody business." 

She continued walking, aware that he could see her favouring her left leg, but she didn't care. She didn't need to tell him anything, he didn't deserve to know. Rose shut the door of her room behind her and leaned against it, sagging down until she was lying on the floor. She took a deep breath, and started to cry.


	10. That Name Keeps Me Fighting

The Doctor could hear Rose's muffled sobs through the closed door. The sound punched a hole in his pride like none of her words had. He sat down next to the door, leaning against its frame. 

"I'm sorry," he said, and he meant it. 

The moment he had realised what the other Doctor was planning, he had been just incredibly grateful, hadn't really thought about what taking Rose's agency away from her would do to her. As always, he had been sure he was the only one who could make the right call. 

But he had underestimated Rose. How was he still making that mistake, after all this time? The Doctor remembered how she had taken the time vortex inside her head, not even caring that it was killing her, because she wanted to save him. Years ago, he had told the demon of Krop Tor that he believed in her. Well, turned out he hadn't believed in her enough. Instead, he and his other self had schemed to manipulate her, convinced that they knew better than her. 

This was all his fault. Rose not trusting him, Rose being angry at him, Rose sobbing on the other side of this door. All his doing. 

"You're right," he admitted. "I knew what he was planning, and that he wasn't going to tell you anything. I could have told you, and that I didn't is on me. I'm sorry." 

"You know how that feels? Fucking awful." 

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head at himself and his own daft choices. 

"I'm sorry. So sorry." 

Rose didn't say anything for a few long moments. 

"Doctor?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Promise me that you won't ever do that to me again. Just, just talk to me, alright? When it's about my life, or my future, or my happiness, talk to me. Be honest with me. Please." 

It sounded too much like begging to make the Doctor feel any better. Was this what he had done to her, reduced her to begging for his mercy like one of his enemies? Nothing about this was right. 

"I will. I promise." 

The Doctor was determined to keep his word. He knew that if he went behind Rose's back again, he would lose her trust forever. That much was clear. 

He could hear muffled sounds behind the door, like Rose was sitting up. 

"I've been thinking and feeling all these awful things," Rose confessed. "About you, about him, about us... I think it's because of this." 

"You want me to tell about those awful things?" 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes. I've been told that talking about emotions can be helpful in dealing with them." 

Not that he had a lot of experience talking about his feelings. Suppressing them, on the other hand, now that was something the Doctor had mastered. Or rather, thought he'd mastered, before getting stuck with a part-human brain. 

"Okay. Well, sometimes I wish I could punch you. Just, right in your face. When you're being particularly daft." 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. 

"Didn't you always want to do that?" 

"Not really, no." 

"Oh, come on. Everybody else has slapped me in the face at one point or another..." 

"What, Martha too?" 

"Yep." 

"Even Donna?" 

"Oh, especially Donna." 

"Well, maybe once," Rose said after a few moments. "After that whole thing with Reinette." 

"See? Told ya. I just have one of those faces that people like to punch." 

He could hear her chuckling, and the sound made his heart flutter. 

There was a short silence before Rose continued. 

"And I'm… afraid. More than I've ever been, I think. Because everything that I want is within reach now, and I'm afraid it'll blow up in my face. What if we can't make it work?" 

The Doctor sighed quietly. He was afraid of that, too. 

"I've always wanted to try ritual suicide. Could be my one chance to do it properly." 

"Please don't joke about that." 

He didn't think it was wise to tell her that he hadn't been joking. He took a deep breath. 

"I don't know what will happen, or even what could happen, thanks to this bloody human body. But I know that out of all the people I've met, you're the one I want to spend my life with. And if we can't make it work then we're both idiots." 

"But seriously, Doctor, what if we can't?" 

"Then at least we'll know we tried. Better than dwelling on what ifs all the time." 

There was a short silence. 

"Did you do that, after I was gone?" 

Rose's voice was quieter now, just loud enough for the Doctor to understand her. 

"Didn't you?" 

His voice was equally quiet, as he remembered the many days without her, the thousands upon thousands of possibilities running through his head every waking minute: how he could have prevented losing her, what he could have done differently, everything he should have told her but hadn't. He hadn't been able to shut out those thoughts at first, even with his Time Lord mental abilities. 

"Every single day." 

"Yeah, me too." 

The Doctor wished he could hold her, kiss her until all those horrible years were but a distant memory. But opening the door had to be her choice, he wouldn't take that away from her as well. 

"There's something else you should know," Rose said. "When I thought about the other Doctor today… It was just for a few seconds, but I really… I _hated_ him. For not saying the words. For leaving me, even though he promised he wouldn't." 

The Doctor didn't know how to respond to that. No matter how much it horrified him to hear such a sentiment from her, he was glad it wasn't directed at him. His other self had taken the blame for everything, just as planned, so that Rose never had to hold the Meta-Crisis Doctor responsible. Clever. But then, he would expect nothing less of himself. 

"And I still… I still love him. Of course I love him. Bloody git." 

Rose was silent again for a while. 

"Doesn't that bother you? That I have feelings for two people?" 

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair. 

"Philosophically? No. Personally? A little bit, maybe. But I'll get over it. Doesn't it bother you, though?" 

"God, you have no idea. It makes everything twice as confusing." 

The Doctor felt a stab of morbid curiosity. 

"If you could talk to him one last time, what would you say?" 

"That he's the biggest arsehole in the universe who doesn't deserve me one bit." Rose sighed. "No, that's not true. I'd tell him to never let go of Donna. She does him good." 

The Doctor closed his eyes. Rose didn't know yet, he hadn't told her, had tried not to think about Donna at all. Telling Rose would mean Donna's fate was sealed. But he supposed he couldn't pretend any longer. 

"Rose, Donna is gone." 

"What? Since when? How do you know that?" 

"Must've been right after they left this universe." 

"But Donna loved travelling with you!" 

The Doctor remembered her face so vividly, her smile, the way she shouted. Brilliant, wonderful Donna. 

"There's never been a successful Time Lord-human Meta-Crisis. The species are too incompatible. Her brain wouldn't have been able to handle the Time Lord consciousness." 

"So she's… Doctor, are you saying she's—" 

"No! No, he would have made sure to save her. But that means that Donna can't remember anything about me, him, us, for the rest of her life. She won't remember that she saved the world, that she's brilliant, that she's important…" 

And now there were tears in his eyes. He could imagine it: Donna back at home, fighting with her mother, screaming at the world, feeling so utterly insignificant. The Doctor blinked, hard. 

"Is there nothing else he can do to help her?" 

"No. There isn't." 

"But… But that means he's alone now! All the others left, too… Will he find somebody else, d'you think?" 

The Doctor sighed. 

"Not in this life." 

"And he still made me leave him? Even though he knew what was happening to Donna?" 

"Yes." 

"But I could have helped him! I could have been there for him! And don't start again with that bloody message, because I'm starting to think that I simply made a mistake when I was the Bad Wolf. There is no way this is the best solution." 

The Doctor thought that he might as well be completely honest with her. 

"Yes, it is. Because if you'd stayed with him, it would have hurt him more in the long run." 

"Because I'm going to _wither and die_? Is that it?" 

Her tone was decidedly bitter. 

" _Yes!_ Imagine watching that happen to someone that you love." 

There, he had finished the sentence. Only about three years too late. 

Rose was silent for a long time. 

"Doctor?" 

"Yeah." 

"I love you, too."


	11. Not If I See You First

Rose bit her lip, already regretting that she couldn't see the Doctor's reaction. This was the first time she'd said the words directly to him since seeing his projection on that damned beach three years ago. 

Rose took a deep breath. She felt like she had said everything that she had tried to hide those last few days. Gotten it all off her chest, hauled all her accusations at him, cried every tear she needed to cry. At the end of the day, she did love him, no matter what. The Doctor was everything to her, and Rose knew that would never change, regardless of what had happened, or what the future had in store for them. 

Rose wasn't sure what she wanted. She wanted to see him, wanted to touch him, to pull him close and hold him, and at the same time she wanted to be alone, wanted to lie down and get to terms with everything on her own. 

Over the past three years, she had become so used to being alone, to refusing all help and comfort. Maybe now was the time to let somebody in again. 

The Doctor wasn't saying anything. Rose closed her eyes, breathed deeply and made her choice. 

"Are you still there?" 

"I'm still here." 

"Okay. Well, stand back, I'm gonna open the door." 

The Doctor was sitting with his back against the door frame, and Rose sat down next to him, feeling a bit awkward. His eyes looked somewhat puffy. 

"Hey you," Rose said quietly, not really knowing what else to say. 

"Hey you, back." 

For a second, Rose thought about kissing him, but this was not the right moment, not the right time. She leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder, and the Doctor responded by embracing her, pulling her closer. Rose closed her eyes again. 

This really wasn't how she had imagined being reunited with the Doctor: sitting on the floor of her dimly lit hallway, traces of tears still on their faces. Every time she thought life couldn't get any stranger, fate seemed intent on proving her wrong. 

Rose could feel the familiar pain in her right leg, and she already hated herself for what she had done, it was so utterly pointless. She supposed she had to tell the Doctor about it at some point, but the thought of confessing filled her with dread. What she had done proved everything: that she was weak, that she was changed, and no matter how often he told her he didn't care about that, she still couldn't shake the fear inside her. 

"We should do something together," Rose mumbled. "Go out and have some fun. I think mum was right about that." 

"Don't tell her I said so but yeah, she might've been." 

Rose could feel a smile tugging at her lips. 

"You know what I'd like to do? Get out of town for a while. Like, live in a cottage in the Highlands or something. Away from everything." 

"Don't they need you at Torchwood?" 

Rose sighed. 

"Yeah, they do. It wouldn't be permanent, just for a few days… Katie and Jake would manage." 

"Let's do that, then." 

Rose almost laughed. 

"What, seriously?" 

The Doctor gently caressed her shoulder. 

"Sure, why not? If you think it'll help you. I said I'd do anything for you, and I meant it." 

Until now, the whole Highlands thing had just been a weird idea in Rose's head, one that she had discarded as unrealistic, but if the Doctor was willing to come with her… Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all. 

"Thank you," she said hoarsely, still not quite able to believe that the Doctor was committed to being with her. "I'll need to call Katie, make sure that she doesn't object to me taking a few days off. We'll have to organise the trip…" 

A thousand things were running through her head, just like before a mission: they needed a place to stay, had to travel there and back, they needed to take all sorts of things with them. Rose had a checklist in her mind that she was automatically going through, noticing that they probably needed to buy several more things for the Doctor. As far as technology went—no, this wasn't a mission. She was planning a holiday. 

Rose bit her lip. She wasn't used to thinking outside the parameters of Torchwood any more, and the realisation scared her. She hadn't really lived her own life for a long time, the past few years she had only lived for Torchwood, and, much more importantly, for the day she could see the Doctor again. She had always believed in the Doctor, had always worked towards finding him again, had never stopped to do something nice for herself even once. 

"Rose, is everything okay?" 

Rose couldn't help but start slightly at the sound of his voice. She really wasn't used to people interrupting her thoughts any more, either. 

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just… I'm not used to this." 

"Welcome to the club." 

Rose breathed deeply and snuggled up to the Doctor a little more, placing a hand on his chest to feel the beat of his single heart. She would have to get used to that as well. One heart, beating only for her. Oh yes, she would love to get used to that. 

Before they made any definite plans, however, she would have to tell him. She couldn't hide her secret much longer, he would find out sooner or later anyway. Rose didn't plan on their relationship being purely platonic forever, unless of course he wanted their relationship to be platonic. She bit her lip again. This was a whole other can of worms, and Rose wasn't sure how to breach the topic. Anything intimate had never been a possibility before, and she wasn't sure how to handle it suddenly being one. 

Rose rolled her eyes at the thought. She had never been shy, back when she had still dated. Why was she suddenly so afraid of everything? She suppressed a sigh. She knew why. This was the Doctor, not just some bloke she wanted to shag. She wanted their relationship to work, needed it to work more desperately than she had ever needed anything else. 

"I could show you around London today," Rose said to make herself think about something else. "This London is a bit different than the other one. They don't even have a Tower here. Instead, they have the Garrison." 

The Doctor didn't say anything right away. When he did, his voice was gentle but insistent. 

"What happened to your leg?" 

Rose wasn't ready to tell him yet, but she didn't want to lie outright, either. 

"I cut myself. Nothing life-threatening, I've had plenty worse at Torchwood. Wound's already cleaned and bandaged and everything, so you don't have to worry." 

"And how you cut yourself is classified?" 

Rose couldn't put into words how thankful she was that he was giving her an out. 

"For now, yes. I'll tell you as soon as I can, I promise." 

"Good." 

He kissed the top of her head, and for a second Rose considered not doing anything for the rest of the day, just sitting on the floor, where she was beginning to feel at peace with her whole situation for the first time. However, the hard floor was already getting uncomfortable, and she knew her back wouldn't forgive her easily if she stayed there for much longer. 

Rose raised her head from the Doctor's shoulder and looked at him, those big brown eyes making her stomach flutter. From the moment he had first looked at her with these beautiful eyes all those years ago, she had been fascinated by them, even right in the beginning when she hadn't believed he was really the Doctor. She raised her hand from his chest to his cheek, her fingertips ghosting over his sideburn and down his jawline. Why was she fighting with him all the time when she could be touching him instead? 

Her heart beating fast, Rose leaned up and brushed her lips against his softly. Her eyes fell shut as the Doctor responded in kind, gently kissing her back. Rose suddenly realised that this was only their third kiss, even though he had been in this universe for almost a week. What the hell was wrong with her? There was a very kissable Doctor right in front of her, and she wasn't kissing him all the time? 

Rose was running her tongue softly over his upper lip, when another thought occurred to her: she had to find out what he liked. She supposed it was entirely possible that the Doctor himself didn't even know what he liked. Cassandra's voice sounded dimly in her ears: _All those parts, and hardly used_. Well, she wanted to use them all, until she knew his body better than her own. 

Rose sighed softly into the Doctor's mouth as she deepened the kiss. She knew now was not the right time for anything but kissing, but that didn't stop her from happily anticipating other things that might happen in the future. Preferably the near future. 

Rose wasn't sure how long they sat there, exploring each other's lips and tongues and teeth, she only knew she didn't want to stop, never wanted to have the slightest distance between her and the Doctor again. It almost felt easier to breathe while kissing him, like she was finally on the right track, all her pain and confusion and worry pushed into a far corner of her mind, powerless, almost forgotten. 

The kiss was finally ended by a spasm in Rose's left leg, which made her wince with pain. 

"Ow! God damn it." 

Rose sat back against the wall and massaged her thigh rather awkwardly. 

"Everything okay?" 

She could see how worried the Doctor was, something that only made her want to kiss him again. 

"Yeah, just a muscle spasm… The floor is not the right place to do this." 

There was a moment of silence, then they both started to laugh. 

"Human bodies are the worst, I'm telling you. And I've had plenty of bodies." 

Rose nodded, giggling hysterically. 

"They are, aren't they?" 

"Single heart, no binary vascular system, and _muscle spasms_? How do you people cope?" 

Rose giggled again. 

"You're one of us now! Can't wait 'til you have your first muscle spasm." 

The Doctor made a face. 

"That is uncalled for! _So_ uncalled for!" 

"Oh, I know." 

Rose kissed him again, almost losing her balance because she couldn't put weight on her leg, which made her laugh against the Doctor's mouth. A moment later, they were both laughing, holding onto each other for balance. 

"Tell you what," Rose said when she could stop laughing long enough to speak. "We can combine sightseeing and kissing. Isn't that the kitschy thing tourists usually do? We could totally do that." 

"You know sightseeing's not really my thing when there isn't at least a little bit of adventure evolved." 

"You get to kiss me! Isn't that adventure enough?" 

She winked at him, and the Doctor grinned. 

"Can't argue with that. Allonsy!"


	12. I've Been Wandering For Too Long

There was a knock on the door. 

"Can I come in?" 

That was strange. Since he had arrived in this universe, Rose had been careful not to disturb him after he had gone to bed. 

"Sure," he said, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. 

Rose opened the door and stepped into the room, wearing an old t-shirt and worn-out, floor-length pyjama bottoms. Judging by the expression on her face, she hadn't come to get more kisses from him. 

"I need to tell you something." 

Well, at least she hadn't said _We need to talk_. 

"You want to sit here with me?" 

She smiled weakly. 

"I'd like that." 

The Doctor moved a little, so that Rose could sit next to him on the bed. He ran his hand through his hair again, not sure what to think. This was definitely new. 

"You asked me earlier how I had cut myself… And that's been unclassified, kind of." 

He could see that she was forcing herself to say the words. 

"That bad?" 

"Bad's not the right word. But it's personal, and embarrassing, and I'm afraid your feelings for me might change if you know." 

There was no doubt in the Doctor's mind that that would never happen, no matter what it was, no matter what she had or hadn't done. 

"I love you. Nothing can change that." 

Rose didn't quite meet his eyes. 

"I know that the other day you said it didn't matter if I was a bit different now. But how can you be sure?" 

The Doctor took her hand. 

"Because I believe that everything that defines you is still the same. Your compassion, your desire to protect those around you, your determination, your strength, your spirit…" 

Rose smiled humourlessly. 

"I'm not strong. More like the opposite. Maybe it's easier if I just show you." 

She took a deep breath, then slipped off the bed, and started taking off her pyjama bottoms. The Doctor had several theories swirling through his head, each one more outlandish than the next. Before he could really focus on any of them, however, Rose drew herself up again, standing in front of him in her shirt and knickers, and the Doctor could see the rows of scars on her thighs, and a bandage covering part of her right leg, halfway between her knee and her hip. The origin of the scars was unmistakable. 

He gasped involuntarily. 

"Oh, Rose." 

He would do anything, give anything, to be able to go back and protect her from this. 

"Still think I'm strong?" 

"Yes, I do." 

She shook her head. 

"You're daft." 

"Come here." 

He opened his arms and Rose sat back down, relaxing into his embrace. The Doctor held her tight; this was his fault, all his fault, all her pain and suffering were his doing. 

"Rose Tyler," he said hoarsely, "I am so sorry for doing that to you." 

"Doctor, you didn't do this. Stop blaming yourself for everything." 

"This is my fault, though, and don't say it isn't." 

Rose sighed. 

"I knew you were going to be like that. That's part of the reason why I didn't want you to know." 

She pulled away a bit, so that she could look into his eyes. 

"I would not change a single thing," she told him firmly. "Even if I'd known everything that was going to happen. I still would have travelled with you, I still would have fallen in love with you, I still would have come back to you at Canary Wharf. And don't think you could have stopped me." 

The Doctor wondered how he deserved her, as he gently traced the lines of her face, seeing that look of fierce determination in her eyes that he loved so much. He wondered what he had ever done to deserve her. 

"But you understand now why I couldn't believe this was the best possible solution? When you told me about the Bad Wolf message. Why would I choose to do this to myself?" 

"Maybe… Maybe there was no way to prevent this." He gestured towards her scars. "You just told me you wouldn't do anything differently at Canary Wharf. You couldn't stop yourself from being, well, _you_. But the thing that you did have an influence over was my choice, and his choice to leave you here with me." 

She thought about it for a moment. 

"That actually seems to make sense. So, when I was the Bad Wolf, I didn't choose to do this to myself, I just couldn't stop it from happening?" 

"I think so. Some things can't be changed, like fixed points in time." 

The Doctor realised suddenly that this also meant he would have been powerless to stop this from happening, no matter what he did. He didn't know whether to be relieved or horrified. 

"But I could have prevented this," Rose continued stubbornly. "If I'd been stronger, I wouldn't have done this." 

"You're the strongest person I know," the Doctor said earnestly. "You shouldn't blame yourself for having feelings." 

Rose sighed, not quite looking into his eyes. 

"Yeah, maybe," she mumbled. 

"What happened? Why did you—I mean, I know why. I just… If you want to tell me." 

This time, her eyes actually met his. 

"'S alright. I want you to know. I want you to know who I am now." 

Rose shifted her position on the bed a little to sit more comfortably. 

"The first days weren't the worst," she started quietly. "They were more like a bad dream. You know, like I was gonna wake up any day and there you'd be, just like you were supposed to." 

She smiled sadly. 

"I don't even remember much, except for hearing your voice in my head, having so much hope… On our way to Norway I thought this is it, he's finally found a way to take me home." She found his hand and held it tight. 

"And you know what happened next. You vanished, and I finally got it. That I would never see you again." She shivered, averting her eyes. "I just stopped. I couldn't do anything. It was like my mind was refusing to engage with reality. I couldn't talk, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Like there was nothing inside me." 

The Doctor had had nightmares about her suffering, despite always telling himself that she was happy, that she was with her family; deep down, he had known those to be lies. But hearing Rose tell her story in that calm, quiet voice made the reality of her pain undeniable. He squeezed her hand, still convinced that this was all his fault. He had taken her with him in the first place, taken her away from her human life, had ultimately caused this. She squeezed his hand back, still without looking directly at him. 

"For a few days, I just lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Mum even called the doctor. Get it?" Rose chuckled a bit, and the Doctor had never felt less like laughing. 

"Okay, not that funny," Rose said quietly, after seeing the look on his face. She cleared her throat. 

"It was like the world had stopped for me. Mum actually had to force me to drink water, I was…" 

She shook her head and didn't finish her sentence, but her meaning could not be clearer. 

"I was sure that I was never, ever going to feel anything again. The only thing that I had left of you was my TARDIS key. I never let go of it, never even let anybody touch it. And then, in one really bad moment, I tried to stab myself in the throat with it. Didn't work, obviously. But it hurt like hell, and I could feel—I could feel my body fighting against the pain, like I was a living, breathing person again." 

There was a short pause. 

"I am so sorry," the Doctor said. 

"The next time, I used a knife from Pete's kitchen. Right here." She pointed to the most prominent scar in the middle of her left thigh. "I cut way too deep, there was so much blood. I promised mum I wouldn't do it again, you can see how that worked out." 

She took a deep breath. 

"I got clever about it, figured out how to do it without anybody else noticing. Some days, it was the only way I could get up, convince myself that I was alive. Some days, I just used the pain to help me focus, to gain control over my feelings. It got a bit easier not to hurt myself when we started building the dimension cannon. 'Cause suddenly there was a chance of seeing you again." 

There was a short pause. Maybe he would have done the same, the Doctor thought, if he hadn't been a Time Lord. No, maybe he _had_ done the same. The memory of Donna screaming at him to save himself from the Racnoss came to him. He knew that without her, he would have let himself die. 

"And then we got the cannon to work and I started jumping from universe to universe, some of the things I saw… They made me take up the knife again. I saw versions of myself, versions that had never met you, all leading different lives. I saw myself happily married with a baby. I saw myself as a drug addict, living on the streets. Everything in between. And then I saw you, dead." 

She swallowed, unable to continue for a moment. The Doctor wanted to ask what that was about, but then suddenly it all made sense. Facing the Racnoss without Donna. Donna's parallel universe. 

"I knew that something had gone wrong, I knew I could help Donna fix it. But the sight of you, lying in that morgue…" 

She looked right at him, her eyes shining with tears. 

"I knew I shouldn't have tracked down your body, but I did it anyway, I had to be sure you were gone. This one is from that night." 

She pointed to a large scar with jagged edges on the inside of her right thigh, one that the Doctor hadn't paid attention to until she pointed it out. 

"I wasn't careful with the knife that time. My hands were shaking so badly." 

The Doctor was still staring at the scar. She could have bled to death, if she had cut just a little bit deeper. He tried to ignore the horrible images popping up in his head: Rose, bleeding. Rose, dying. Rose, alone in the universe. 

With tremendous effort, he forced himself to look at her face again. She wasn't dead. She was here, right here, with him. 

"And the worst thing was that I knew why you had done it," she continued, "I knew why you hadn't regenerated, because I wouldn't have regenerated either, so to speak." 

There was a look in her eyes that made her seem old, old like a Time Lord. The Doctor pulled her into a hug, as much for his own sake as for hers, thinking about the young girl she had been, years ago, hating himself for subjecting her to all this pain and suffering, just because he had been alone and desperate for a companion. 

"I am so sorry," he said, "I am so, so sorry." 

"I know," she said, holding him tight, "I know." 

Neither of them let go for a while, clinging to each other desperately, both trying to reassure themselves that this was real, that the other was alive, right here, living and breathing. 

"I wanted to be strong for you," she whispered, "but I wasn't strong enough. And I'm ashamed that I wasn't." 

"You were strong. You chose to keep living, day after day. You could have used that knife to end it all but you didn't. You were stronger than me." 

** 

Neither of them said anything for a while. Finally, Rose let go of the Doctor to wipe her eyes with the back of her hand. She looked up at him, into those beautiful brown eyes. Before she could lean up and kiss him, however, he started talking again. 

"Promise you'll talk to a therapist. I might be excessively qualified, but considering our past, I'm not the best choice." 

Rose's brow furrowed. 

"I can't talk to anyone else. They'd think I'm insane. What I did, what I saw, the man I love splitting into two people… No one's going to believe me. No therapist, anyway." 

"Don't you have anybody at Torchwood who can help?" 

Her nose crinkled. 

"We have a medic, as you know, but I wouldn't want to talk to him about stuff like that. He's seen my scars, obviously, but we reached an understanding not to discuss them." 

There was a gleam in the Doctor's eyes that told her he had understood her meaning immediately. 

"Did you threaten him?" 

Rose smiled up at him innocently. 

"… Maybe?" 

The Doctor grinned. 

"Not him, then. You could hire somebody else. Can't hurt to have a therapist on call for people who save the world from alien threats, right?" 

Rose thought about that for a moment. 

"Now I'm starting to wonder why we don't have a psychologist on our team. Some of the things that we've done… I think I'll look into that." 

The Doctor nodded. 

"Good." 

Rose ran a hand through her hair, looked down at her thighs covered in scars. There was something else, something she was almost ashamed to ask, but she had to know the truth. She swallowed hard, not quite looking at him. 

"Doesn't all of this make you want to, I don't know. Run away?" 

The Doctor shook his head dismissively. 

"Course not. Why would it?" 

Rose sighed. She knew when he was trying to avoid the truth, hated when he kept his feelings hidden. They had to start being honest with each other if this relationship was to ever work. 

"Doctor," she said quietly. Nothing else. 

Their eyes met, and there was a long moment of silence. 

"The thought did cross my mind," he said, slowly, like the words were fragile and he would break them if he wasn't careful. "But I'm not going to." 

Rose breathed out slowly, bit her lip. 

"How do you know?" 

The question felt different now. The fear was almost gone, replaced by curiosity. In another lifetime, curiosity had always been one of Rose's first instincts, a persistent curiosity that had been spurred on by the Doctor and his brilliant, horrible, mad way of living. It was coming back to her slowly, her curiosity and her trust in the Doctor. 

"I want to stay," the Doctor said, like it was really that simple. Rose wanted to believe that it was. 

She nodded, unsmiling. 

"Thank you." 

He looked at her again, raising an eyebrow. 

"What're you thanking me for?" 

"For being honest, Doctor. Thank you for being honest." 

There was a darkness in his eyes that wasn't directed at her. Rose couldn't say how she knew, but she did, she knew him well enough to be certain that the anger in his eyes wasn't directed at her. 

"You shouldn't have to," the Doctor finally said, his voice very quiet. "It's not right." 

"What're you talking about?" 

The Doctor took a deep breath. 

"Me being honest shouldn't be a rare occurrence worthy of _thanks_ ," he said, louder than before. "It shouldn't be a special occasion, it should be the norm. You shouldn't—you can't…" 

He stopped. Himself, that was who the Doctor was mad at. Rose could see it so clearly. 

"Rose," he finally said, "I'm sorry. I've been… I'm going to do better, I promise." 

Rose couldn't help but stare at him. In all their time together, he had never apologised for lying to her, not once. Lying was just something he did, something she had learned to deal with. 

"Seriously? Why?" 

The Doctor frowned. 

"Because you deserve better, Rose. I can't keep hiding things from you." 

Rose couldn't help but blink in disbelief. 

"Are you sure you're the Doctor? I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but you've never said anything even remotely like that to me." 

There was a hard look in the Doctor's eyes. 

"If I'd had any sense back then, I'd have said this years ago. I'd have told you years ago that—I'm not proud of the way I handled things, believe me. But I'm not going to keep making the same mistakes." He took a deep breath, looked her in the eyes. "I'm going to get this right." 

He was determined to be with her, and Rose wasn't used to the Doctor putting his feelings so clearly into words. She was used to getting hints, and meaningful looks, and never anything substantial. 

"Donna must have really changed you," Rose said. She had known Donna to be a stubborn, headstrong woman, no wonder she had had such an impact on him. 

"Wasn't just Donna," the Doctor answered. "I've been tired of running for a while now. There was a time when I thought… I found another Time Lord, and I thought I could finally stop. You know, stop running, stop fighting. I thought I could have something like a home again." 

The words were tumbling out of the Doctor's mouth, and Rose had a feeling he had never told anyone this, not even Donna. 

"Didn't work out, obviously. He died, refused to regenerate. But that thought never left me. And now, I… Rose, I don't want to run any more. I've been running away for far too long. I want to stay here with you, have a home with you." 

Rose blinked, and a tear rolled down her left cheek. 

"You have a home with me," she told him firmly. "Always, no matter what." 

He looked at her, then smiled, that radiant smile that always made her weak in the knees. 

"Rose Tyler," the Doctor said, and he managed to make the two words sound like a complete sentence. Rose understood what he meant, what he couldn't yet put into words. 

"Doctor, come here." 

She took him into her arms again where he belonged. For years she hadn't been able to hold him, to comfort him, to touch him, and the loss had hurt so much that she could scarcely comprehend its magnitude. 

"I'm so glad you're here, Doctor," she said. "I love you, I love you so much, Doctor, I love you, I love you—" 

She couldn't stop saying it, years and years of pain suddenly catching up with her, her whole body shaking as she cried in his arms. 

"I'm here," he said, "Rose, I love you."


	13. How Long Are You Gonna Stay With Me

Monday morning came far too early, and both Rose and the Doctor were startled awake by the alarm going off in Rose's room. 

"Blimey, that thing's loud," the Doctor mumbled. 

"Yeah, dimension travel does a number on your sleep cycle. Just got used to having to force myself awake." 

Rose gave the Doctor a quick peck on the lips before scrambling out of bed to turn off her alarm clock. In her mind, she made a quick checklist of things she still had to do at Torchwood: she needed to write a full report on the dimension cannon and her final mission under Project Starlight, had to find out what exactly had happened to that artefact of Nigel's, should talk to Katie about taking a few days off. Oh, and about new missions, now that her primary mission was over. Rose was still the first person to get called in when aliens happened to make contact with the planet, but aliens didn't exactly keep to a schedule. Maybe taking a few additional days off wasn't all that unrealistic. 

Rose searched for a clean shirt in her room, suddenly struck by the fact she wouldn't see Mickey again. It wasn't like everything had been easy between the two of them, but at least Mickey had always been a reliable presence. She had known for a long time that they were going to part ways, of course, but now that he was actually gone it still hurt. 

Rose finally found a shirt that smelled like it was clean, when she suddenly thought of another thing. She took a piece of paper and a pen from her night stand and wrote down her phone number. "Doctor?" 

She took a look inside the Doctor's room. He had pulled the covers back over himself, apparently half-asleep again already. 

"Doctor? You awake?" 

"Mh." 

Rose went over to him, placing the piece of paper on the side of the bed that was now empty. 

"I'm leaving you my phone number, just in case. Oh, and money, if you need anything. I'll buy you a phone too, today after work. You have any preferences?" 

"Blue." 

Not quite what she meant, but she could work with that. 

"Okay, I'll see what I can do." Rose couldn't resist ruffling his hair then, the Doctor just looked so damn adorable when he was sleepy. "I'll try to be home at six. Could be later, if there's an unscheduled alien invasion." 

She kissed his forehead, and turned to leave. 

"Love you," the Doctor muttered. 

There was a soft smile on Rose's lips when she replied. 

"Love you, too." 

** 

When the Doctor woke up, Rose was gone. He had dreamed that she had gone to work—or had that been real? He shook his head. Just how useless were these human brains? He had never been confused over which of his memories were reality and which were dreams. 

He turned around, and his hand made contact with a piece of paper. The Doctor picked it up and stared at it, blinking a few times before the writing came into focus. 

_Rose—ΣΩΦ-TL-55Λ1-032_

The Doctor blinked again. Just what exactly was that supposed to mean? It was Rose's handwriting, so it had to be good. In the dream, she had said something about phones… Oh, phone number. Alternate universe, different phone number system. Of course. 

The Doctor checked his watch. Seven past nine, so he probably had a lot of time until she came back from Torchwood. There was an idea he had toyed with since coming to this universe, and now he had enough time to make it reality. He just wasn't sure whether it was a good idea or not. 

On his way to the shower he discovered something that was most probably this universe's pound notes lying on one of the still unopened EKIA boxes next to the door, as well as an accompanying note that read, _In case you need money. If you don't, we could always use groceries. Love you._

The Doctor shook his head, smiling. This was as domestic as it got, he supposed, but the handwritten lines did not make him recoil in disgust. Quite the opposite, in fact. Rose had taken the time to write him a note, because she had known that he hadn't really been listening when she had presumably told him about this. _Love you_. He didn't think Rose would mind if he kept it. 

Half an hour later, wearing his brand-new brown suit and white converse, the Doctor decided to go through with his mad plan. If it turned out to be nightmarish, that was still better than not trying at all. 

And so, the Doctor set out to find Donna Noble. 

** 

"Psychologist? Really?" 

"Katie, I need to talk to somebody. Somebody who's not gonna have me carried off to a mental institution for talking about aliens and parallel worlds." 

"Can't you talk to someone from Torchwood?" 

Rose laughed. 

"Like who? You want me to tell Matt all about my personal issues? Sarah, maybe?" 

Katie rolled her eyes, but in a sympathetic way. 

"Okay, I see what you mean. You think we should hire somebody?" 

"Yeah, I do. Not just for me, for the whole team. You remember Jake after the Indigo Case? He could have used the help of a professional." 

Katie scratched her forehead in the way she usually did when she pretended to think about something but had already decided. 

"Right," she said finally, "I'll make some calls, see if I can find a suitable candidate." 

Rose smiled at her. 

"Thank you. Oh, and I wanted to ask if I could get a few days off." 

Katie raised her eyebrows. 

"This have anything to do with the Doctor?" 

There was a spark in her eyes that belied her stern exterior. Rose's smile widened. 

"You know it does." 

Katie sighed. 

"I want your complete report on Starlight by 5 pm today. Take the rest of the week off. And tell that man that if he doesn't do everything in his power to make you happy, I will personally come for him." 

Rose had to admit that she really would have missed Katie, had she made it back to the other universe. 

"Yes, ma'am." 

Katie waved her away. 

"Go on, write your report. 5 pm!" 

** 

Everything went suspiciously smoothly: the Doctor took the underground and the bus without incident, even though he wasn't exactly used to the incredibly slow methods of human transportation. When it didn't even take him twenty minutes of walking around Chiswick aimlessly to find the street where Donna lived in the other universe, the Doctor grew suspicious. This was too easy. Usually, when everything started out fine and dandy, that meant that something horrible was about to happen. Well, he had never let that stop him before. 

A minute after he knocked on her door, it was opened, and Donna stood before him. Well, _a_ Donna. Not _his_ Donna. Still, the sight of her made the Doctor feel uncharacteristically giddy. She was alive, living, breathing, frowning. She was so alive. 

"Hi," the Doctor said with a smile. "John Smith." 

Donna's frown deepened. 

"And what're you selling?" 

"Oh, no no no. I'm here for you. We met at that party, remember?" 

Donna took a breath, and the Doctor knew immediately that he had another thing coming. 

"We met at a party, and you came to my house?! I don't give out my home address at parties! How did you find me, you creep? Did Mary put you up to this? Oh, this has Mary written all over it!" 

The Doctor wondered if Mary was this universe's version of Nerys. 

"This has nothing to do with Mary, I promise. You just happened to mention where you live, and I wanted to surprise you." 

Donna glared at him. Oh, he had missed that glare, even though it had barely been a week. 

"I _happened to mention_ my address? How daft do you think I am? You creepy beanstalk can zip it and go right back to where you came from! And if you ever come here again, I'm calling the police." 

She shut the door with a bang, and the Doctor smiled. Not that bad for a first meeting with Donna Noble. She hadn't slapped him, and hadn't wrongly accused him of abducting her, so a win all around. 

He supposed he would need to be smarter about meeting her a second time, but at least now he knew that there was a Donna Noble in this universe, that she was alive, and that she glared at him exactly like his Donna had. 

** 

When Rose came home at half past seven, the hallway was full of empty EKIA boxes. 

"Doctor, you here?" 

"Living room!" 

Rose sat down her bag and carefully stepped around the boxes, but even those didn't really prepare her for the sight that greeted her when she opened the living room door. 

The Doctor didn't notice her staring, he was busy fixing a curtain. He wasn't wearing his suit jacket, and had rolled up the sleeves of his Oxford. 

"Welcome home. How was work?" 

Rose blinked. 

"Good, yeah. Doctor, is there a reason the whole room is green?" 

The Doctor turned around, beaming. 

"It's great, isn't it? Bought a bit more paint with your money, and bananas, in case you're hungry." 

Rose thought back on the previous days; she had talked about lots of things with the Doctor, but she was sure they hadn't talked about— _oh_. 

"You said you wanted a green living room, and you meant… Right." 

They had even painted the walls together, but Rose had kind of expected that to be it. 

The Doctor looked at her, suddenly worried. 

"Don't you like it?" 

Rose looked around, from the green walls and the green curtains to the bright green furniture and the green rugs. The sofa even had green covers now. 

"It's just a bit unusual, you know?" 

The Doctor's face fell a bit. 

"Doesn't have to stay like this, if you don't like it." 

Rose suddenly realised how much work all of this must have been, and she looked at the Doctor with a smile. 

"Don't worry, I'll get used to it. Can get used to all sorts of things, me." 

She winked at him, then took a closer look at the room. 

"I don't remember there being curtains among the things mum and Pete got for us. Did you buy those?" 

"Yeah, actually. And the rugs, and the sofa covers. And that plant over there. I have no idea what it is, I don't think it exists on the other Earth." 

Rose couldn't help but stare at him again, incredulous. 

"You bought all that? Like, voluntarily?" 

The Doctor grinned at her. 

"Oh yes! I had my doubts, of course, but it wasn't that bad. Did you know that at EKIA there's an entire room where you can lie in different beds? Sometimes, humans really have amazing ideas." 

Rose raised an eyebrow. 

"Since when do you like beds? You hate sleeping." 

"Well, I still hate the idea of losing so many hours of my life to sleep, but I've come to appreciate the act of sleeping. Feels better now that I have this body, somehow. Probably one of those human things." 

Rose rolled her eyes mockingly. 

"I never would have thought you'd ever find one thing you genuinely like about being part-human." 

"If I can't change who I am now I might as well be positive about it." 

Before Rose could inquire as to where this sudden change of heart came from, the Doctor grinned at her mischievously and changed the topic. 

"Want to know what the best thing about this room is?" 

He closed the curtains and turned on the light. A coppery glow eerily shined down on the room, and Rose understood at once. 

"It's the opposite of the TARDIS. Green room, brown light." 

The Doctor walked across the room to stand next to her and took her hand. 

"What do you think?" 

Rose turned around to face him, cupping his face with her free hand. 

"I love it," she breathed against his lips before she kissed him. She never would have thought—oh, that list was getting so long. But she truly never would have thought the Doctor would ever do anything like this for her. And she had told him the truth: she could, and would, get used to a completely green living room. 

She let go of the Doctor's hand to ruffle his hair, his really, really great hair. Rose loved the way his lips tasted; she hadn't quite memorised the taste yet, this was all still too new. The Doctor was embracing her, pulling her flush against him, and she couldn't help but wish that she wasn't wearing so many clothes. This was not quite the right time for any of that, but as far as Rose was concerned, this was also not the right time for chaste kisses. She manoeuvred them towards the sofa, which involved a bit of stumbling around and Rose making a mental note to practise that move in the future. 

Finally, she was exactly where she wanted to be: sitting on the Doctor's legs, one knee on either side of his hips, snogging him while trying to loosen his tie. One of the Doctor's hands was in her hair, the other still on her back. It felt good but a little tame, and Rose wondered if she should say something. Well, maybe later. There was a bit more kissing she had to do first. 

Rose made another mental note to find out how to open a tie most effectively, as she wasn't doing a particularly good job of ridding the Doctor of his tie. There had to be a simple way of doing this. Her frustration made her lose focus on what she was doing with her mouth, and her teeth painfully made contact with the Doctor's. 

"Sorry," she said breathlessly, half-laughing. "Your tie's being a jerk." 

The Doctor let go of her to get rid of the tie himself, but seemed to struggle as well. 

"What exactly did you do to it?" 

They looked at each other and started laughing. 

"'s my fault," Rose giggled, "I'm not used to detieing people." 

"Is that a technical term, detieing?" 

"Yeah, I came last in detieing. Failed the entire class." 

The Doctor looked up at her, his words tongue-in-cheek. 

"Me too, apparently." 

"You want me to get the scissors?" 

"Nah, I've got it." 

Indeed, a few seconds later the offending garment had found its way to the floor, and Rose grinned. 

"You'll have to show me how to do that, next time you're wearing a tie." 

The Doctor was grinning as well. 

"I'm wearing one every day. Plenty of opportunities to practise." 

"I hope so." 

She kissed him again, a bit more carefully this time as she started unbuttoning his Oxford. Unbuttoning another person's shirt was new territory for her as well, since her previous boyfriends had usually worn t-shirts, but at least she understood the general principle when it came to opening buttons. Even so, Rose felt like it took forever until she could finally lay a hand on his bare chest to feel his heartbeat. She was becoming weirdly obsessed with his single heart—he had promised her a lifetime, the only lifetime this heart would ever give him, and she couldn't help but feel the need to reassure herself that that hadn't changed. Rose could feel the rhythm of his heart against the palm of her hand, every beat repeating the promise: _together, together, together_. 

Tension dissipating from her shoulders in relief, Rose concentrated on kissing the Doctor again. She had forgotten how much fun snogging was. Rose had spent so many years without even thinking of doing this with anyone but the Doctor, and now she could finally kiss him as much as she wanted. 

** 

For the first time in the Doctor's life, his legs were going numb from what he was sure was insufficient blood flow. 

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me." 

Rose looked concerned, apparently not too happy that he had abruptly stopped kissing her. 

"What is it, Doctor?" 

He looked at her, flabbergasted. 

"Oh, this human body is _rubbish_! Utter and complete rubbish! My legs fell asleep, can you believe that?" 

He had said earlier that he wanted to be more positive about being half-human, but that had been before his body betrayed him like this. 

"Probably because I've been sitting on them." 

Rose started to move, shifting her weight off of the Doctor's legs to sit next to him. 

"No secondary vascular system, isn't that _wizard_?" He shook his head. "Sorry about this." 

"Don't worry about it, needed a short break anyway." 

Rose looked at him, grinning slightly, her lips and cheeks flushed in a lovely shade of pink. Granted, they had spent quite a lot of time kissing already, but the Doctor hadn't planned on stopping any time soon. 

"Best part is actually when the blood's flowing back into your legs, stings a bit, so get ready for that." 

Sure enough, the Doctor soon found out what humans meant when they talked about pins and needles. 

"Evolution on Earth made a giant mistake somewhere," the Doctor groaned, looking down at his legs like they had personally offended him. "This is just sloppy design." 

Rose chuckled, and the Doctor rolled his eyes. 

"Can't even kiss you without our bodies interfering." 

"I think you just summed up what it's like to be human." 

They shared a look, Rose still grinning at him, with that smile that lit up a room. The Doctor couldn't help but smile as well, if only for a moment. It would take him a lot more time to get used to all this human nonsense. 

"I know I said I was going to be positive about this, but this body isn't making it easy. One heart, I mean, come on..." 

The smile vanished from Rose's lips as she suddenly turned serious. 

"Would you rather have two?" 

There was so much vulnerability in her voice, so many other questions implicit in this one. The fear in her eyes did not escape the Doctor, and his answer was straight from his single heart. 

"Not if it meant losing you again." 

The way Rose looked at him was almost too much for the Doctor to handle, desperate and relieved and terrified and full of love at the same time. 

"Even though this is the most rubbish body you've ever had?" 

"Yeah. As long as you don't mind that it's rubbish, I can live with it." 

Rose cuddled up to him, her head against his shoulder. 

"I really don't mind, believe me. I'm quite fond of the benefits." 

The Doctor put his arm around her shoulder, gently pulling her closer. 

"Like what?" 

Rose raised one hand to his chest, making his skin tingle as she searched for his heartbeat with her fingertips. 

"You never could have promised to grow old with me when you still had two hearts." 

The Doctor swallowed. 

"No, I couldn't have." 

The Doctor caressed her hand gently, her fingertips on his skin making him shiver in the very best way. He intended to keep that promise, even if that meant he had to contend with a frail, poorly designed, ageing human body every day for the rest of his life. That was nothing compared to spending a lifetime together with Rose Tyler. 

He could hear the lump in her throat when she repeated a question back to him, a question he had asked her years ago. 

"How long are you gonna stay with me?" 

The Doctor gently pressed her hand against his chest, making sure that she could feel every beat of his single heart. 

"Forever."


	14. No Arguments From Me

After breakfast the next morning, which had consisted mostly of bananas, Rose was sitting in the kitchen, making a list of things they needed for their trip to the Highlands while the Doctor rummaged in one of her cupboards. He had said something about needing materials for another screwdriver, and it wasn't like Rose was using any of the stuff in her kitchen regularly anyway. 

"Oh, I completely forgot to tell you yesterday. I met Donna!" 

Rose froze for a second, then she looked up at him, eyes wide. 

"You mean _this_ Donna, right? Not, um, _our_ Donna?" 

"Oh no, this Donna. It was brilliant! She shouted at me and threatened to call the police." 

Rose raised her eyebrows. 

"And that's good?" 

The Doctor looked like he was very close to jumping up and down with excitement. 

"That's Donna! She's alive, I can meet her, get to know her… Amazing, isn't it?" 

"Wait, why did she want to call the police?" 

"Well, she didn't really buy my story of how I got her address. But it was a weak story, have to give her that." 

Rose stared at him for a moment, then started to laugh. 

"So you just went by her house, a complete stranger, and told her you knew her from somewhere? Mutual friend or a party or something?" 

"How did you know?" 

Rose was still laughing. 

"Because I know _you_ , Doctor. That's exactly the sort of thing you'd do. Oh, just be glad she didn't slap you." 

"I am, actually! Kind of expected it, first time meeting Donna Noble." 

The Doctor was smiling now as well, lost in the memory. 

"She slapped you the first time she met you?" 

"Oh yes. She thought I'd abducted her, she just materialized inside the TARDIS on her wedding day. That was right after I sent you that transmission, so she saw your clothes lying around and thought I spent my time abducting young women." 

Rose was suddenly struck by how little she knew about the Doctor's life after she had been forced to leave him. 

"Wait, so you met Donna right after you said good-bye to me? But you said you didn't travel for weeks after that…" 

"I didn't. Donna didn't stay with me after defeating the Racnoss. She lived at home for another year until she found me again." 

"Really? She didn't want to stay with you?" 

"Oh no. Quite the opposite, actually. I asked her to stay, and she said no. Which she regretted soon afterwards, but by then I was long gone." 

"But she managed to find you again?" Rose smiled. "Well, Donna's nothing if not persistent." 

The Doctor smiled, too. 

"A lot like you when it comes to that." 

Rose laughed. Then she remembered that Donna had been forced to forget every adventure she'd ever had with the Doctor, and her laughter died in her throat. 

"Won't it be kind of weird, though? Being friends with this Donna, knowing what happened to the other Donna? Then again, we are together, and the other Doctor is still out there…" 

Rose's voice faded into silence. She knew very well that interacting with a parallel version of someone was emotionally complex and sometimes difficult, but by no means impossible. 

The Doctor drew a chair and sat down opposite her. 

"I can't change what happened to Donna," he said pensively. "She sacrificed her life for mine, without even knowing it. But since I can't do anything to show my gratitude in the other universe, I can at least try to improve the life of this Donna." 

"Think you can do that? Improve her life?" 

"Oh yes. I know what she wants, what she needs, I know exactly how she thinks. I literally shared her thoughts for a short time, still have some of them inside me. What she needs most of all is a friend, and I know that I can be that friend. Did it before, can do it now." 

He smiled at Rose again, his confidence making Rose's heart beat faster. 

"I'd love to meet this Donna, after you've convinced her you're not a criminal." Rose winked at him. "I thought the other Donna was brilliant. When I met her for the first time in the other universe, I talked her into killing herself, though. Probably shouldn't repeat that." 

The Doctor stared at her. 

" _What?_ " 

"You know, Donna's parallel universe. You died, the Earth fell into chaos, and the stars were going out, so I had to do something. We figured out the precise minute in which events had been changed, and I knew the proper timeline would be restored if Donna changed her own past, so I sent her back in time to do just that. She died, saving the world." 

"You sent her back in time?" 

"Didn't she tell you?" 

"No, she could hardly remember any of it." 

"Oh. I thought you knew… Yeah, I sent her back in time, with the help of the TARDIS. I couldn't actually fly her, but I built a time machine together with UNIT based on her technology." 

The Doctor stared at her for a few seconds in shock. Rose worried he might not approve. 

"With her permission, of course. Asked first and everything, the TARDIS actually helped me with the design a bit." 

The Doctor took a deep breath. 

"Rose Tyler, I bloody love you." 

The statement was so genuine and heartfelt and unexpected that Rose forgot everything else she wanted to say. The Doctor looked at her admiringly. 

"Can I kiss you? I really want to kiss you now." 

Rose grinned. 

"Go right ahead." 

Before Rose could even say another word, the Doctor pulled her up from her chair and then his lips were on hers, more demanding than any of their previous kisses. Rose wondered if he had held back until now for some reason. His fingers were on her hips, his grip firm, it felt bloody amazing. Rose responded in kind, grabbing his hair, holding nothing back. She had just enough mental capacity left to deduce that maybe, the Doctor had still thought of them as unequal, of himself as a Time Lord and of her as only human. But she had become more like him over the last couple of years, and he had become more like her a week ago. She couldn't exactly fault him for taking a few days to realise that; after all, she hadn't accepted him right away either. 

Rose bit the Doctor's lower lip, making him groan. She let go of him for a moment to sit down on the table behind her, then she pulled him towards her again with a grin, her legs on either side of his hips. Rose sighed as the Doctor started trailing kisses down her neck, revelling in the feeling. An entirely irrational fear took hold of her then, and she laid a hand on his chest. She needed to feel his heart, needed to be sure that his promise was still intact, needed to know he wouldn't leave her. Rose could feel his heartbeat just barely through the fabric of his jacket, but it was there. She exhaled slowly, and the fear subsided. This Doctor wouldn't leave her again, she had to trust the rhythm of his single heart. 

The Doctor's kisses on her neck were by no means forceful enough to leave marks, but as soon as the mental image had entered Rose's mind, it stuck with her. Until now, only the loss of the Doctor had left its marks on her body, wouldn't it be fitting if their reunion did the same? Well, maybe not quite such permanent marks as scars from a knife. 

The Doctor's lips found Rose's again, pushing the distracting thoughts out of her head. She all but ripped his jacket open, sent it flying towards the floor. Tie next, she was getting the hang of it. The Doctor pulled down the zipper of her light hoodie, and Rose threw it in the direction of the Doctor's jacket. She grabbed his hair again, pulling him closer, she needed him so much closer… 

Rose was pretty sure that they were going to have sex right there on the table if she didn't put a stop to it. Not that she wanted to stop, exactly. Quite the contrary. But if she had sex with the Doctor now, Rose was convinced she wouldn't be able to stop touching him for hours. Their holiday was supposed to start today. What she wouldn't give for a time machine right about now! 

Rose pulled away from the Doctor with a moan. 

"Fuck. Sorry." 

"Are you okay?" 

Rose nodded weakly. 

"Yes. No. Dunno." 

She stared at the Doctor, who looked flushed, his hair messy where she had grabbed it, his lips a beautiful red. The sight almost made her abandon all her plans for the week. Unfortunately, she remembered that she had paid for the trip in advance. 

"Fuck, I want this so much. But we have to leave in half an hour." 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. 

"Oh, right. That." 

Rose laughed at the expression on his face. She had never seen the Doctor in such a state. He was breathless and flustered and quite simply horny, more human than ever before. 

"You're gorgeous like this," the Doctor said with admiration, before she could say anything, and the tone of his voice made Rose wet with want. 

"Shit," she mumbled, trying to stop looking at him, stop wanting him so much. "Shit, _shit_." 

Then Rose was kissing him again, what did she care about the bloody Highlands, about that bloody money. 

The Doctor took hold of her hands before she could open his belt. 

"Thought you wanted to stop," he reminded her, and Rose leaned back, biting her lip. 

"Fuck the Highlands," she gasped, "we can just stay here." 

"Is that really what you want?" 

Rose shook her head. 

"I don't—Yes. No." 

She felt like she was a damn teenager again, hormones running wild inside her, making it hard to even think. The Doctor was so fucking _gorgeous_ and he was _right there_ and she wanted him so goddamn _much_. 

"Rose, I don't want to do anything you're not absolutely sure about." 

Rose grimaced. Of course the Doctor had to be a bloody gentleman about this. This character trait was one of the reasons she loved him so much, but right now, it was just incredibly inconvenient. 

"In that case, I need a fucking coffee. And a different pair of knickers." 

She slid off the table, her whole body feeling very heavy. The Doctor watched her with barely veiled interest. 

"Do you always swear that much in, um, intimate situations?" 

Rose couldn't help but laugh. 

"Hell yeah. Better get used to it." 

He pulled her towards him, kissed her softly. 

"I love you." 

"Love you, too. Doctor, you owe me at least one shag on this table." 

The Doctor grinned. 

"Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote a [kinky oneshot](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19291123) based on this chapter. If you're interested in exploring the idea that was briefly mentioned concerning the Doctor leaving marks on Rose's skin, that is the story for you.


	15. Better With Two

"You know what this reminds me of?" 

Rose smiled at the Doctor. They were holding hands, just like old times. 

"What's that?" 

"The third moon of Beshutis. Remember that forest? Loved that forest." 

Rose's smile widened. 

"What was that thing called? That red thing?" 

"The Cullohmaragia?" 

"Cullohmaragia! Can't believe I'd forgotten that." 

The Doctor was thinking of a different day, when he had worn a different face; of Rose proudly pronouncing Raxacoricofallapatorius for the first time. 

He grinned at her, and Rose grinned back at him. 

"I missed this," she said, squeezing his hand affectionately. 

"Me too. Want to run for a bit to make it feel like old times?" 

Rose laughed. 

"Want to make out for a bit to make it feel like new times?" 

"Were you always keener on kissing than on running, and I just never realised it?" 

"Kind of, yeah. Not that I minded the running, though." 

"I've got to admit, I get the appeal now that my body's full of human hormones." 

"So, that means you're up for a bit of kissing now?" 

Rose smiled at him, tongue in cheek, and the Doctor couldn't have resisted her invitation, even if he had wanted to. 

Kissing Rose had never felt like this when he'd still been a Time Lord. Even the raw power of the Time Vortex itself seemed to pale in comparison. This new sensation was one aspect of his human body that the Doctor didn't mind, if he was being honest. Rose's lips were full and warm and tasted uniquely like her; one of her hands was in his hair, the other grabbing his shoulder, using him to keep her balance. The Doctor embraced her in his arms, pulling her close until there wasn't any space left between them. Even though they were both wearing jackets, there was something wonderful about her being so close to him, something he had never really appreciated back when he had hugged her as a Time Lord. 

There was that urge again: the same urge he had felt when she'd kissed him in the shop, and when Rose had been sitting on the kitchen table, her legs around him… The Doctor had never felt such a powerful urge to mate in any of his other bodies. Not that the times he'd done it hadn't been fun, but human hormones really put a new spin on the whole thing. No wonder humans were constantly reproducing. Thankfully, though, he still had a measure of control over his body—not as much as he'd once had, of course, but enough not to let the extent of his arousal become obvious. 

Rose nudged his tongue with her own playfully, and once again the Doctor couldn't believe his luck, that he was the one who had ended up here, in this universe, with the woman he loved. He nudged her tongue in return, and Rose moaned against his mouth, the sensation sending waves of heat through his body. The Doctor couldn't help but shiver. Rose paused for a moment, smiling against his lips, making the Doctor smile as well. 

"You like that?" Rose mumbled breathlessly, still smiling. 

"Is it that obvious?" 

"Oh, absolutely." 

She kissed him again, opening her mouth to him, _moaning_ , and the Doctor felt vulnerable in a way that made him want to share everything with Rose, everything he was, everything he would ever be. 

"I love you," he said, "now and forever." 

The Doctor had always known he could lose himself in those big hazel eyes, if he looked at her for too long. Rose had such beautiful, expressive eyes, the crinkles around them a bit deeper now than they used to be, her eyeliner a bit more subtle than she'd worn it back in the day. The Doctor wanted to search her whole body for differences like that, wanted to find every detail, wanted to learn everything about her. 

"Now and forever," Rose repeated quietly, voice shaking slightly. 

She leaned up and placed a gentle kiss on the Doctor's forehead. The Doctor pulled her close, holding her in his arms. 

"I missed you," he whispered, suddenly overcome by the depth of his feelings for her. "I missed you so much." 

"I missed you, too, Doctor," Rose sighed, holding onto him with all her strength. 

** 

Walking through the woods with the Doctor was pleasant enough, holding hands and sharing old memories, but Rose had to admit that she wasn't quite used to the aimlessness of the situation. They weren't walking towards anything in particular, much less running. It was just walking for walking's sake, kind of pointless when you thought about it. 

"You know," she told the Doctor, "I'm not sure hiking's really my thing." 

"You were the one that suggested it." 

"I know! I thought I'd like it if I gave it a shot." 

"Wait, is this the first time you've ever gone hiking?" 

Rose shrugged. 

"Outside a situation that involved mortal danger or the end of the world or something? I think so." 

"Didn't your mum ever—" 

"Come on, you know my mum. Think she took me to go on walks on the weekend?" 

Rose laughed. 

"Okay, I see your point." 

"I liked the running better. Having a goal and everything. Now we're just, you know, walking around." 

"In this hike's defence, the surroundings are really beautiful." 

"Yeah, this forest sure is something." 

"I wasn't talking about the forest." 

Rose looked at him. 

"Mh, smooth. I like it." 

She grinned at the Doctor, and got a smug smile in return. 

"I can be smooth." 

"Of course," Rose said, almost managing to hide her sarcasm. "Totally." 

"Oi, watch it, Earth girl!" 

Rose almost missed a step, and her hold on his hand tightened uncomfortably for a moment until she found her balance again. 

"Did you just call me _Earth girl_?" 

The Doctor just managed not to clasp his free hand over his mouth. 

"It's a fact, isn't it? You being from Earth and everything…" 

So much for being smooth. Rose was looking decidedly bewildered. 

"You've never called me that before." 

"Well, why not start now?" 

Rose narrowed her eyes. 

"Doctor, what's going on?" 

"Nothing, nil, nada, everything's fine, molto bene." 

"Please tell me." 

She sounded so worried that the Doctor couldn't keep pretending any longer. 

"Alright, fine, it's one of those things I got from Donna, when she shared her mind with mine. Some of her mannerisms stuck with me more than others." 

"Wait, but she didn't call you—" 

"She called me spaceman." 

"Oh. Right." 

There was a bit of an awkward pause. 

"I'm sorry," the Doctor said, not knowing what else to say. 

Now, Rose looked bewildered again. 

"What are you apologising for?" 

"Well…" 

The Doctor didn't know how to answer that question. 

"Doctor, I knew you'd started speaking a little like Donna from that first time you yelled _oi_ on our zeppelin ride. I don't mind." 

"You don't?" 

Rose looked at him meaningfully. 

"New new new Doctor. Think we talked about that." 

"We did, yeah." 

Rose swallowed, then continued talking more quietly, staring at the ground in front of them. 

"I know how it feels. I mean, I still worry I've changed too much… Even though you told me like three times already that that doesn't matter." 

"It really doesn't." 

"I know, but I'm still worried. It's not very rational. So, I get it." 

The Doctor sighed. 

"Let's be irrational together, then." 

Rose leaned towards him, like she'd done so often in the old days, when they were walking back to the TARDIS after an adventure. 

"Sounds like a plan to me." 

The Doctor gave her a quick kiss on the lips, like he'd always wanted to do when she walked beside him like that. When he pulled away, Rose was smiling. 

"You wouldn't be kissing me if your mind wasn't part Donna. So, I really don't mind." 

** 

When they got back to their little cottage, the first thing Rose did was to check her phone. Her plan had been to use it as little as possible, but you never knew if an alien attack was imminent. There seemed to be no priority one messages from Torchwood, though. Jake was still in Argentina and had sent her a picture of some archaeological find that looked like part of an ancient crashed spaceship, and there was an email from Katie. 

"Oh my god." 

The Doctor poked his head around the door. 

"Everything okay?" 

Rose looked down at her phone again to check that she hadn't misread the email. She hadn't. 

"You're not gonna believe this. Katie did background checks on a few psychologists, and guess who she wants to come work for Torchwood." 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, apparently expecting trouble. 

"Who?" 

"Martha Jones." 

" _Martha Jones_ Martha Jones?" 

Rose laughed at the incredulous expression on his face. 

"Yep. Apparently, this universe's Martha is a psychologist. And she seems to be very good at her job, otherwise Katie wouldn't be considering her." 

The Doctor smiled affectionately. 

"Of course she's good at her job, she's Martha Jones." 

Rose took another look at the email and shook her head. 

"This is unbelievable. I mean, of all the people she could have vetted… I'll tell Katie to hire her immediately." 

She sat down on the edge of the bed and started typing out her reply. 

"She can be a bit sceptical, though, Martha," the Doctor told Rose. "I bet you'll have to show her an alien or two before she believes you're telling the truth." 

"Really? That bad?" 

The Doctor smiled, lost in memories. 

"First time I met her I had to prove I had a time machine by crossing her own timeline. Well, I say had to, I wanted to, for the effect, you know? But usually people tend to believe me much more quickly." 

Rose narrowed her eyes. 

"Don't think a lot of people would just run into the TARDIS like I did." 

The Doctor smiled at her, deep affection in his eyes. 

"No, not a lot of people did. But most people didn't straight up refuse to believe me either, until they'd seen hard proof." 

He nodded meaningfully towards Rose's phone. Rose rolled her eyes, smiling. 

"Alright, I'll put a warning in the email. Maybe Katie can schedule a convenient alien invasion." 

Rose stuck out her tongue at the Doctor and he grinned. 

"So, how are we going to spend the next couple of days, now that hiking is out of the question?" 

Rose looked at him, a mischievous look in her eyes. 

"I can think of a few things," she said. "Finishing what we started in our kitchen, first of all." 

"Right now?" 

"Absolutely."


	16. Considering That You're Human

"Shouldn't we be thinking about protection? I mean, I don't know what would happen if you got pregnant, might be very dangerous, we are different species after all." 

Rose put her phone on the night stand, and started to take off her jacket. 

"Oh, don't worry about me. We're all on Compound 415G at Torchwood, just to be safe. It's still a bit experimental, but better than accidental alien pregnancies. I won't conceive a child for at least five more months, I think." 

"Right. Okay." 

Rose looked at the Doctor. 

"Are you nervous? We don't have to, you know." 

"No, I… I definitely want to." 

He looked as flustered as Rose felt. Talking about sex with the Doctor, that was something she still had to get used to. 

"Good. I mean, I'm glad. I mean, I—" 

Rose made herself stop blabbering. They looked at each other, and Rose realised she'd never seen the Doctor blush before. It was adorable. 

"Come here." 

She took him into her arms and kissed him, slowly, deeply, deliberately. Her heart was pounding in her chest. This was about to happen, and there was nothing stopping them. No alien threats, no Time Lord notions of honour or whatever it had been that had always stopped the Doctor from getting close to her, back when he had still had two hearts. 

** 

The Doctor placed light kisses on her scars, one hand on the back of her thigh, tracing lines with his fingers, making her shiver. Rose groaned when, instead of touching her bum, he moved his fingers back towards her knee. 

"You are so beautiful," the Doctor said, and Rose wondered how he could possibly mean that now that he had seen her scars. 

She took a deep breath. The Doctor had no reason to lie. Even so, she couldn't ignore her anxiety about her body completely. 

"Considering that I'm human?" 

"No." 

The Doctor looked up at her, and now Rose knew for certain that he was telling the truth. 

"Out of all the creatures in all the galaxies, you are the most beautiful one." 

"Wow, laying it on a bit thick there, aren't you?" 

The Doctor frowned. 

"First you want me to tell you how I feel, and now you complain when I do?" 

"Sorry." Rose bit her lip. "It's just, with my legs looking like that, I find it a bit hard to believe." 

"Well, in that case you'll just have to trust that I'm telling the truth." 

He looked at her for a long moment, and Rose painfully remembered the conversation they'd had just a few days ago. 

"Do you trust me, Rose?" 

The Doctor's voice was quiet. He was obviously remembering the same thing. Rose's heart was beating hard in her chest as she looked into those brown eyes that she loved so much. 

"Yes," she said, quietly but firmly. "Yes, I trust you." 

The Doctor leaned up to capture her lips in a kiss, and Rose threw her arms around him, pulling him closer, happiness spreading through her as the truth of her own words hit her. She trusted him. How had she ever not? How had she ever looked at him and not trusted him? 

Rose sighed into the Doctor's mouth. This was finally happening. After years of waiting, and wishing, and telling herself that it was impossible, this was finally happening. 

She wanted so many things at once. She wanted for their first time together to be slow and romantic, and she also wanted to waste not a single second. She wanted to try so many things with him, wanted to touch him in so many ways, and she found it absolutely impossible to decide what she wanted to do first. 

Rose tried to make herself focus. Step one, they had to get rid of the clothes they were still wearing. Then they could go from there. She had already rid the Doctor of his jacket and Oxford, but he was still wearing his trousers. Those definitely had to go. 

The Doctor's fingers were ghosting over her neck, then her shoulder, and Rose gasped at the sensation, head falling back, breaking their kiss. She was pretty sure that such an innocent touch had never had this strong an effect on her; then again, this was the Doctor. Every one of his touches affected her in ways that were completely illogical. 

The Doctor started placing soft kisses against her jawline. Rose remembered that she had been in the process of opening the Doctor's belt, but instead of going back to that, her hands found his chest, his heartbeat. 

_Together, together, together._

"Doctor," she breathed. There were so many things she wanted to say, but this seemed to be the only word worth saying. "Doctor." 

Their eyes met, and Rose knew she loved him more than she ever had, more even than his Time Lord counterpart. 

"Rose Tyler," he said, the way he had always said it, and Rose understood that every time he had said her name it had been a confession of love. 

In that moment, Rose knew what she wanted. She wanted to take it slow. There would be time for quick, rough sex later. 

She leaned towards him to kiss him again, very softly this time. There was no rush. Rose ruffled the hair at the back of his head with one hand, the other still pressed against his chest. The Doctor was caressing her back, his touches light and teasing, drawing patterns that made her skin tingle. Rose shivered, breaking their kiss involuntarily. 

"You okay?" The Doctor asked, gentle concern in his voice. 

"Yeah. It's just… I haven't done this in a long time." 

Rose smiled awkwardly, feeling the blush in her cheeks. She would have to get used to talking about stuff like this with the Doctor. 

It was true, though: She had never let anybody touch her in years, dreaming only of the Doctor, living for the day when she would be with him again. Even before that, after Mickey had left, there had never been anybody in Rose's thoughts but the Doctor. 

"Yeah, me neither." 

Their eyes met and both of them couldn't help but grin. Rose could feel the tension inside her dissipate. The Doctor wasn't used to this any more than she was, and she felt safe with him. 

"You okay with taking it slow?" 

"'Course, Rose. Anything you want." 

Those damn brown eyes. The Doctor was looking at her like he had never cared about anyone else so much in all his lifetimes, and Rose forgot how to breathe for a moment. A thousand little lightning bolts flashed inside her stomach, making her whole body shiver again. 

"Doctor, I love you," Rose said when she had found her voice again. "You have no idea how much I want this. _No_ idea." 

"Well, I might have some idea. Now that I'm party to human hormones and everything." 

Rose laughed. 

"You've had human hormones for how long? Ten days? Doctor, I've been waiting for this to happen for _years_." She leaned back onto her elbows to look at him. "Ever since you asked me if I thought you were sexy, I wanted to shag you. You winked at me and I was done for. _Years_ , Doctor!" 

"I never asked you if you thought—wait. I did, once. But that—no, no, no." The Doctor stared at her. "On the Sycorax ship? But that was ages ago!" 

Rose nodded gravely. 

"Feels like ages alright, if you ask me." 

The Doctor said something that Rose was pretty sure was Gallifreyan, still staring at her in shock. 

"Doctor?" Rose asked gently. "Everything okay?" 

"Yeah, yes. That explains a lot of things. Well, some things. Well, one thing." 

"What thing?" 

"I could never figure out if my sense of smell was warped in my old regeneration or my new one, but it was clearly working fine in both. It was just that your hormones made you smell different ever since I started wearing this face. Can't believe I never figured that one out." 

Rose grimaced. 

"Wow, you sure know how to flatter a girl." 

"You asked!" 

Rose laughed. 

"You're right, that one's on me. So, now that you solved that mind-blowing mystery, care to return to the task at hand?" 

Rose moved her body suggestively, grinning at the Doctor, tongue between her teeth. Why she was still wearing her bra was a mystery in and of itself. 

The Doctor answered her question with a grin and a kiss. His arms around her made her feel wonderfully safe, almost like the last few years had been nothing but a bad dream, a nightmare that she had finally escaped. It wasn't that easy, she knew, but in that moment it felt like everything was right with the world. 

** 

"Wait, are you... _disappointed_?" 

"No, of course not." 

Rose tried to look as earnest as possible. 

"You are, aren't you? Not alien enough for you?" 

The Doctor was apparently not sure if he wanted to be offended or amused, his facial expression alternating between the two emotions. Rose bit her lip, unable to suppress her guilty grin any longer. 

"Come on, a girl can dream, right?" 

The Doctor stared at her. 

"I look like a human everywhere else, why would you…" He shook his head. "I am hurt, Rose. Deeply." 

He exaggerated the last word just enough for Rose to know that he was joking. She looked up at him innocently. 

"I am _so_ sorry," she cooed, playing along. "How could I _ever_ make it up to you?" 

Rose moved a little and leaned down to place kisses on the Doctor's stomach, lower and lower. 

"Rose, you don't have to—" 

Rose silenced him with a look. 

"Doctor," she said earnestly, dropping the apologetic act. "Please." 

There was a certain vulnerability in his eyes that she hadn't seen often. 

"If you really want to." 

Rose wished that she could put her feelings for him into words, but words seemed inadequate. 

So she just said, "You have no idea." 

Her heart was beating fast. She leaned down again, and used the fingers of her left hand to gently stroke his length before closing her lips around the tip. 

** 

"They're beautiful because they mean you survived. No matter what happened, you survived. Those scars might be one of my favourite things about your body." 

"Seriously? What about my bum?" 

The Doctor laughed. 

"You do have a lovely bum." 

"Anything else?" 

"You want me to spell it all out for you?" 

"Well, you never told me any of this. Why not start now?" 

She grinned at him, and he sighed. 

"You have amazing eyes. Gorgeous lips. Really great tits. Wonderful legs. Cute hands, perfect for hand-holding. Beautiful shoulders. And a lovely bum." 

Rose raised an eyebrow at him. 

"That sounded like a list that you learned by heart." 

"Well, it was. Did you think I never looked at you, in all that time? Or that I never remembered you after you were gone?" 

There was an intensity to the look in his eyes that made a shiver run down Rose's back. 

"No, I didn't think that," she said quietly. 

"But you know what I love most about you? Your mind. The fact that you are very attractive is just icing." 

He smiled at her and Rose shivered again, although this time the shiver felt quite different. 

"Say that again." 

"What?" 

"Attractive." 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. 

"Attractive," he repeated, and Rose giggled. 

"Mh, it sounds so good when you say that." 

"You're attractive," the Doctor said, his voice a bit lower, watching her reaction closely. "You like me telling you that you're attractive? That you're sexy?" 

He over-pronounced the last word just a bit. Rose was shaking. 

"Ravishing? Breathtakingly beautiful? Because you are all of those." 

"Oh god. I think you could get me off just by talking." 

He raised an eyebrow. 

"Is that a challenge?" 

Rose laughed. 

"I mean, I wouldn't be opposed to you trying. Either way, it's a win for me." 

** 

One thing Rose didn't ever really get used to was the fact that, outside of London, there seemed to be so many more stars in the sky. Knowing about light pollution in theory was nothing like seeing the actual view of the night sky outside a small cottage in Scotland. Her head felt heavy, she was close to falling asleep. Just a few more minutes of stargazing, then she would go to bed. 

"I've been wondering… Wasn't there ever anyone on this Earth who piqued your interest?" 

The Doctor's voice was low, and unusually contemplative. 

"God, no," Rose said dismissively. "'Course not. Nobody could ever compare to you." 

"I never wanted that for you," the Doctor said, still looking up at the stars. "Never wanted you to be alone because of me." 

Rose shrugged. For her, it was a non-issue. 

"Well, tough. I fell in love with you. Nothing to be done." 

The Doctor turned to look at her. 

"Quite ri—" 

"If you ever say those bloody words to me again I'm gonna smack you so hard you'll end up back in our old universe." 

They stared at each other for a moment, then the Doctor burst out laughing. Rose glared at him. 

"Sorry, I just… Back in our old universe?" 

"Alright, not my best threat ever," Rose conceded. "But I mean it, please don't say those words again. They hurt." 

The Doctor stopped laughing at once. 

"Sorry. I love you." 

"Love you, too." 

** 

"Rose," the Doctor whispered. 

Rose's eyes flew open; she stared at the ceiling, unseeing, gasping for air. 

"Not again," she whimpered, "not again, not again—" 

The Doctor could see that Rose was starting to hyperventilate. He needed to calm her down, and quickly. 

"It's only me," the Doctor said, trying to soothe her, "Rose, look at me, it's me, the Doctor." 

Rose stared at him, eyes wide, still hardly able to breathe. She touched his face with one hand, and when her hand made contact with his skin, she let out a shaky sigh of relief. Then she sat up and pulled him into her arms. 

"I thought… Oh God, I thought…" 

She was crying now, unable to finish her sentence. 

"Rose, I'm sorry," the Doctor said. "What did I do wrong?" 

"You sounded just like… When you were gone." 

The Doctor suddenly understood. Before Bad Wolf Bay, his first transmissions to her must have sounded like whispering. 

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't—I'm sorry." 

It took a good minute for Rose to calm down enough to let go of him. She took a deep breath, looking into his eyes. 

"Please don't do that again. I'd rather you shout at me to wake me up." 

"I'm not going to shout at you." 

"Throw a pillow in my face, then. I don't care. As long as you don't whisper my name." 

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "No whispering, got it." 

Rose touched his face again with her left hand, fingers trembling slightly. He remembered that too, remembered having to tell her he was just an image. Rose was much calmer now, but still breathing heavily. 

"Well, at least now I'm thoroughly awake. Did you need something?" 

"Um, not really. Just wanted to tell you that breakfast is ready." 

Rose chuckled slightly. 

"Isn't that very us? Romantic gestures turning into nightmares?" 

The Doctor raised his eyebrows. 

"Might be a bit, at that. There's definitely a pattern." 

Rose sighed dramatically. 

"The only solution I see is to make so many good memories that the percentage of bad memories becomes negligible. What do you think?" 

The Doctor smiled widely. 

"Mh, absolutely agree." 

Rose leaned forward to give him another hug. 

"Breakfast sounds like a good start for that." 

** 

Rose couldn't have said what time of day it was, or even whether it was her fourth or her fifth day on holiday. Not that she particularly cared at the moment. However, the observation still surprised her in a back-of-her-mind, forgotten-after-a-second kind of way. After years of carefully having to plan her every move and always keeping an eye on her watch, the Doctor's tongue was working wonders to shut down every last rational brain cell in her head. 

Soon, she was moaning, words falling out of her mouth incoherently. 

"Shit… God! Oh fuck! Doctor…" 

He really was a quick study, she had to give him that. Over the past couple of days, the Doctor had made sure to discover all her sensitive spots, to memorise every touch she liked, to find out how to make her fall apart in pleasure. 

"Doctor! _Please!_ " 

He knew exactly what to do. Rose screamed, all coherent thought suspended, as joy burned through her. And she only knew one thing: She loved him so very much. 

** 

"So, how were the Highlands?" 

Rose looked at her mother, unable to stop herself from grinning. 

"Well, I didn't actually get to see much of the Highlands, you know…" 

"Oh, good for you!" 

The Doctor caught Rose's eye, and she could see him desperately trying not to burst out laughing. 

"Told you, two weeks in the Bahamas and everything's right as rain. When Pete and I—" 

"Mum, I really don't need to know any details." 

Jackie rolled her eyes. 

"Have it your way, love. But I am glad you listened to me." 

Rose smiled at her mother. 

"Yeah, mum, me too."


	17. Does It Need Saying

"How much did they tell you?" 

"Oh, a bit," Martha said politely. "About the aliens and the parallel worlds. I knew it was all scientifically possible, of course, but to find out that all of it is actually real…" 

Martha looked like she was both delighted and still unable to believe a word of it. 

"So, you know that I come from another world and my boyfriend is an alien-turned-half-human? Just checking." 

Rose wondered whether boyfriend really was the best term for the Doctor, but didn't know what else to call him. 

"I do know about the parallel world. I did not know about your boyfriend." 

Rose sighed. This would take a long time to explain. Martha was looking at her intently, obviously curious beyond professional interest. 

"Aren't you going to ask me how that makes me feel, or something?" 

Martha smiled. 

"Of course I am. I thought you might like to talk more about the facts first, but you don't have to, if you don't want to." 

"I'm not sure what else to say about it, really. I could spend years trying to explain what it's like living in a parallel world, but I know I'd never get it quite right. It becomes normal, you know? But you can never really get used to it, either." 

"And the alien boyfriend?" 

"Same thing. It's one of those facts, like his eyes are brown, he has great hair, he's an alien. It doesn't say anything about who he is, what his character's like. And it's also the most important thing about him, the reason why he is who he is, why we met in the first place, why I fell in love with him." 

Rose didn't know how to explain it better than that. 

"So, how does that make you feel?" 

Rose groaned. Martha's eyes were twinkling. 

"Too soon?" 

Rose realised in that moment that she liked Martha. 

"Honestly, I'm not sure. Grateful, mostly. I had a life before all this, you know, working in a shop, living with my mum, and nothing ever happened. I mean nothing. I wasn't really living. And then I met the Doctor…" 

Her voice trailed off. 

"The Doctor?" 

"That's his name. My—ugh, I hate the word boyfriend." 

"Why?" 

"I used to have boyfriends. It's not the same thing." 

Martha looked at her patiently, waiting for Rose to go on. 

"He's not just some bloke I like to spend time with or shag or whatever. He showed me the whole universe, and I mean that literally, he showed me what life could be, he taught me about courage and refusing to give up, he made me realise that my choices mattered. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. He's not my boyfriend. He's the Doctor." 

"What is it like, having a relationship with someone like that?" 

"I'm still getting used to it. We used to be just friends, when I was travelling with him, and I had kind of resigned myself to our feelings being unspoken. Then I got stuck here, and the last time I talked to him, I told him how I felt. When I finally found him again, he split into two people because of an accident, and one of the Doctors told me he loved me too, and the other walked away without even saying goodbye." 

Rose realised that she had never told anyone the whole story. Her mum and the Doctor already knew what had happened, and she didn't have any friends she could confide in. She hadn't known how freeing it would feel to just put it into words. 

"So, the alien Doctor is still out there in the other universe, and the half-human Doctor is here with you?" 

If Martha had any doubts about Rose's story, they weren't visible on her face. Rose was glad. This would be a lot harder if Martha didn't believe her. 

"Yeah. It's not really what I expected. I figured when I got back to the Doctor we'd fall into our old habits, but now the Doctor actually tells me about his feelings, and we have a physical relationship that goes beyond hand-holding." 

"Is that something you wanted?" 

"Yes." Rose didn't try to hide the smile on her lips. "I'd thought about it, even back then, but I never believed it would actually happen." 

"Why not?" 

"He's a bloody alien, isn't he? The Doctor—I mean this Doctor, the half-human Doctor—actually confirmed my theory that for his species, relationships aren't sexual most of the time." For a moment, Martha looked like she wanted to ask a number of questions about the Doctor's species, then she blinked and her neutral expression was back in place. Rose made a mental note to tell her more about aliens later. 

"And then there was also the fact that he's basically immortal, and I'm not, so he didn't want to get too intimate with me. _You wither and you die_ , as he once put it." 

Rose still remembered that sentence so clearly. It had hurt so much back then, and the memory of it had hurt even more when the Doctor had lost her even though she had still been alive. Judging by her expression, Martha had some doubts when it came to the concept of immortality. When she spoke, though, her voice was calm as ever. 

"He doesn't have these concerns any more?" 

Rose shook her head. 

"He's part-human now, so he'll age together with me, and he shares my human, er, desires." 

"How do you feel about those changes?" 

"I struggled with them. Still struggling a bit sometimes, if I'm being honest." Rose forced herself to breathe slowly. "Not that I'm unhappy or anything. It's the best thing that could have happened to me, it's just a lot to get used to." 

"What do you struggle with the most?" 

Rose bit her lip. 

"The Doctor never asked me if I actually wanted this life. He just assumed, and forced me to make the decision he wanted me to make. Broke one of his most important promises to me in the process. That was… hard to get over." 

"When you think about that now, what do you feel?" 

"Anger. Grief. I understand why he did it, because that's just what he does… What he always did." A short, miserable laugh forced its way up Rose's throat. "Always thought he knew better than me when it came to my life choices." 

She remembered her conversation with the Doctor about all this. 

"You know what the most frustrating thing is? I'm pretty sure that if he'd given me a choice, I'd have chosen this life. Like I said, this is the best thing that could have happened to me. He just had to talk to me about it, take five minutes to explain the situation and let me make a choice." 

She shook her head, trying to suppress the tears that were welling up in her eyes. Again. How had she not gotten over this already? 

"I talked to the Doctor about it, I mean this Doctor, and he apologised and everything. But he knew what the Doctor's plan was, and like him he failed to even try to talk to me before bringing me here." 

Rose went over that day in her mind again, that bloody beach, the sound of the TARDIS disappearing forever sharp in her memory. 

"And it's not even that so much," Rose continued. This was something that she had never told the Doctor, something she herself hadn't realised until just now. "I asked them how they felt about me, and one of them told me the truth. But I wanted to hear it from both of them, just once, once in all those years, I wanted to hear the Doctor say it—" 

Rose couldn't go on. She knew exactly why the Doctor hadn't said the words, knew all of his reasons, and despised every single one of them. Martha handed her a Kleenex. 

"Thanks," Rose mumbled. 

"Take your time," Martha said, her voice calm and soothing.


	18. Lots Of Planets Have A North

The Doctor wasn't sure if what he was doing was a good idea. Well, he was sure that he wanted to get to know this Martha, but he could have simply asked her to have a drink with him. 

"Hello, Doctor," she said with professional politeness when he closed the door behind him. Martha was hiding her curiosity very well, but she couldn't fool the Doctor. She wanted to know, wanted to understand, just like the Martha back in the other universe. 

He sat down across from her, never taking his eyes off her. 

"Hello, Martha." 

The Doctor couldn't help but draw comparisons: the way she wore her hair was different, she carried herself a bit differently, but her smile was the same. Her demeanour reminded her of Martha at UNIT: confident and in charge. 

"So, why are you here?" 

"Is there a reason I shouldn't be here?" 

Martha smiled. 

"Plenty, I reckon. I imagine that it can be a bit strange to meet another version of a person you already know." 

The Doctor smiled. 

"Oh, I've seen things much stranger than that." 

Why _was_ he here? He had done just fine without a psychologist, those past 900 years. 

"So how do you feel about meeting me now?" 

The Doctor didn't bother to keep the disappointment off his face. 

"Come on. What is this, psychology 101? You can do better." 

Martha raised an eyebrow. The movement was subtle, but not subtle enough to escape the Doctor. There was the Martha he knew: the woman who rose to any challenge, the woman who had the potential to save all of humanity single-handedly. 

"You don't actually know me yet. As far as you're concerned, I could be the worst psychologist on this planet." 

"If there's one constant across universes, it's that Martha Jones is good at what she does. Trust me, that's a fact." 

The corners of Martha's mouth betrayed amusement. 

"Have you checked all the other universes?" 

"Would you rather I thought you were bad at your job?" 

"I don't think I have much say in what you think of me." 

There was a glint in her eyes, a spark that she couldn't hide beneath her professional exterior. The Doctor smiled. Martha wouldn't back down any time soon, determined to keep the upper hand in this exchange. _Good_. 

"Of course you do." 

Martha smiled. 

"No, I don't. You know the other me too well." 

"What makes you say that?" 

"You just told me that your Martha is so competent you believe that every one of her parallel selves is just as competent." 

Now it was the Doctor's turn to raise an eyebrow. Martha one, Doctor zero. 

"Is she a psychologist as well?" 

"A medical doctor, actually." 

"The Doctor and the doctor." Martha smiled at him. "So, what is it like, meeting me?" 

"Why do you care what I think about you? As far as you're concerned, I'm some alien you just met." 

"Maybe I don't care. Maybe I'm just trying to get you to open up to me." 

"I don't think so." 

"And why is that?" 

"You get that look in your eyes when you care about something. I think you want to prove that you're just as good as her, instead of resting on her laurels." 

Martha blinked, then schooled her features into a polite smile. 

"We're not here to talk about me." 

She was trying to change the topic. Martha one, Doctor one. The Doctor returned her smile. 

"Aren't we, though? Little bit?" 

"If you just wanted to get to know me, you needn't have made an appointment." 

"'Course not. But having to shout over loud music in a bar or something? Not really my thing." 

"So you came here wanting to talk to me without interruption. Is our conversation going the way you expected?" 

"Why do you assume I came here with expectations?" 

"Hopes, then. Is it going the way you hoped?" 

"Again with the assumptions. You know that's bad psychology." 

"What feelings did you have about this meeting, before you came here?" 

"What feelings did you have, knowing you'd meet an alien from another universe?" 

Martha smiled. 

"You tell me. As far as you're concerned, you're also talking to an alien from another universe." 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. He remembered his Martha, back in the TARDIS all that time ago, could recall her voice clear as day: _I am good_. 

"I used to travel through all of time and space. This is hardly the first time I'm talking to an alien." 

"All of time and space? Really?" 

Martha's face was pure curiosity now, and the Doctor remembered that too, that expression on her face. That curiosity was one of the main reasons he had invited her aboard the TARDIS in the first place. 

"Really," he said with a smile, unable to resist bragging just a little. 

"Wow," Martha breathed, her professionally neutral facial expression completely gone. 

"Didn't Rose tell you about that?" 

Martha blinked, forcing the wonder from her face. 

"I take my clients' right to privacy very seriously. If you want to know what Rose told me, you'll have to ask her yourself." 

"Right, of course." 

For a moment, the Doctor had almost forgotten that this was not his friend Martha, but his therapist Martha. He had a sneaking suspicion that getting to know the alternate versions of people he used to know in the other universe might not be as painless as he had hoped. 

"What is that like, travelling through time and space?" 

The Doctor looked at her. 

"Your language has no words to describe it." 

** 

"So? How was it?" 

"Martha won," the Doctor grumbled. 

"Won? I thought you just talked to her." 

The Doctor sat down on the sofa, running a hand through his hair in frustration. 

"I did, and she won!" He looked at Rose dramatically. "Rose, I've lost my touch." 

Rose was staring at him, apparently not quite following. 

"Wait, but you just had a conversation, right?" 

"What else would we have done?" 

"Er… How do you win a conversation?" 

"Well, she tried to get me to admit that I care about her, and I tried to prove that she cares about my opinion of her. Rose, she _won_." 

The Doctor's voice sounded whiny even to himself. Rose's expression was caught between trying not to laugh and pretending to feel for the Doctor. 

"So she knows you care about her. That wasn't some big secret, was it?" 

"No, of course not, it wasn't about the facts. It was more about the rhetoric, you know? She beat me at my own game. The other Martha never used to do that." 

"Poor you," Rose said, half-mockingly. "How will you ever get over this horrible rhetorical defeat?" 

"Oh, I'm going back next week, and I'm going to win." 

Rose laughed. 

"So she got you to come back. She really is good, isn't she?" 

The Doctor paused, seeing the truth in Rose's words. Martha had done exactly what she had set out to do, and without him even realising. He smiled, softly and genuinely. 

"Oh yes, she is."


	19. I'll Bet You Five Quid

The Doctor's new prescription glasses looked almost exactly like the pair he used to wear in the old days, and every time Rose looked at him, arousal shot through her. She tried to avoid the sight as best she could until they were back inside the car. Rose figured that while driving, she wouldn't be able to look at him anyway, hoping to keep her feelings in check until the door of their flat was safely closed behind them. Shouldn't take more than fifteen minutes, luckily. 

Ten minutes later, they were stuck in traffic. Rose cursed her bad luck silently while the Doctor was rambling on about Agatha Christie, and even though Rose listened with interest she also wanted nothing more than to push him up against a wall and shut him up with a kiss. She looked over at him and regretted it instantly, those damn glasses made it even harder to stop thinking about kissing him. 

"Funny thing, aren't they, glasses?" 

The change of topic came out of nowhere, and for a moment Rose wondered if the Doctor could read her mind. Maybe he had just caught her staring. 

"Guess so," she agreed, trying to keep her voice neutral. Just two more streets, just two more streets. 

"I am always amazed at what humans have to come up with because your bodies keep failing you." 

" _Our_ bodies," Rose corrected him with a grin, and just as she had expected, the Doctor groaned. Then she started as the meaning of his sentence hit her. "Wait, but you wore glasses back when you were a Time Lord." 

"Well… I never really used to need them." 

"But you always made such a show of putting them on." 

The Doctor just grinned, looking at her. Rose stared at him, mouth open. 

"Oh my god, you were just _being dramatic_? Are you serious?" The absurdity of the realisation made her laugh. "Can't believe I never figured that one out! You and glasses… Every time you put them on the sight got me all hot and bothered and it was all just _for show_ …" 

She was laughing so hard she almost missed the Doctor's rapidly changing facial expression. 

"What did you just say?" 

"You are _such_ a drama queen." 

"No, you said something about being hot and bothered?" 

Rose could see that particular mischievous look in his eyes he sometimes got, and she couldn't wait for them to get home. She grinned at him. 

"Didn't you ever notice that I tended to disappear into my room for a while after seeing you wearing glasses?" 

The Doctor raised his eyebrows, like he had never really given that much thought. 

"Are you telling me what I think you're telling me?" 

Rose smiled sweetly. 

"What do you think I'm telling you?" 

They needed to get home fast, because Rose was already getting wet. Bloody London traffic. 

"I think you're telling me that the TARDIS kept more secrets from me than I thought." Rose thanked the TARDIS silently for letting her have some privacy back then. She really owed a lot to that ship. 

"Seriously though, didn't you ever notice how badly I wanted to shag you?" 

"Well, there were certain signs, but I made myself ignore them, usually. A human and a Time Lord, just wouldn't have been appropriate." 

Rose shook her head, rolling her eyes. 

"God, am I glad that you're half-human. I can only go so many years having to do the job myself." 

The Doctor shook his head, laughing. 

"You are incorrigible." 

"And you love it." 

"Yep," he said happily, popping the P. "So, want me to leave on the glasses when we get home?" 

Rose grinned. 

"I'm not gonna talk to you for a week if you don't." 

The Doctor laughed. 

"You wouldn't last a single day." 

"Oh, I don't know. I can still shag you even when I'm not talking to you." 

He raised an eyebrow. 

"You're always talking when we shag." 

"You saying I couldn't do it?" 

He grinned mischievously. 

"Okay, let's make a deal: when we get home, the glasses stay on, but only as long as you don't say a single word." 

"Other sounds still allowed?" 

"Everything that isn't a proper word. And no swearing!" 

That would be a tough one, Rose thought. But not entirely impossible. 

"Your name?" 

"Not allowed." 

Rose thought about it, then smirked at the Doctor. 

"Challenge accepted. Starting when the door of our flat's closed behind us." 

** 

The Doctor knew exactly how he would get Rose to say his name. She always did when he took his time with her, couldn't help it really. And she knew that as well as he did, so she would try to speed things up. There were a few moves that the Doctor would have to watch out for, and he tried to make a list in his head when they were standing in the lift. 

"Nervous?" Rose asked cheerfully. He had to be careful not to let her— 

"I'm the one who's not supposed to say anything, not you, remember?" 

"What?" The Doctor shifted his attention towards her. "Don't worry, I'm going to be talking. Do you know how hard it is not to answer questions you really want to answer?" 

He could see that this statement momentarily weakened her resolve. Then, Rose straightened up and looked at him smugly. 

"Why, thank you for divulging your strategy." 

The Doctor smiled at her. 

"Wouldn't really be fair otherwise, would it?" 

The lift doors opened before Rose could respond, and they stepped out into the hallway. 

"Any last words?" 

Rose leaned in close, so that she could whisper into his ear. 

"Doctor, I need you inside me. I'm so wet, as soon as that door closes I want you to tear off my clothes and fuck me. I love you." 

"I love you, too." 

Rose leaned up to give him a quick kiss on the lips before unlocking the door of their apartment, grinning in anticipation. The Doctor was grinning as well, looking forward to making Rose come so hard that she had no choice but to say his name.


	20. I Just 'Cause I'd Changed

Rose was lying on her bed. The clock on her night stand showed that it was ten past three am. Mission Bluebird hadn't exactly gone well. She was still shaking slightly, even though she had already taken a long shower, which usually helped. 

The Doctor was sleeping in his room, Rose hadn't wanted to wake him when she'd come home at two in the morning. A shiver ran through her, and she knew she wouldn't be able to fall asleep any time soon. 

A little cut would help her focus her thoughts, just a small one. The knife found its way into her hand like it had a mind of its own, good thing she still kept it close to her bed. 

Rose stared at it. What the hell was she doing? She'd had a problem at work and here she was, ready to cut herself? Deepest loathing was burning inside her stomach. 

"Fuck," she mumbled, closing her eyes. 

She knew it wouldn't even take long. Just a small cut, just a tiny cut and everything would be so much easier. 

She had to get out of this room. 

Rose made herself let go of the knife, and it clattered down on the night stand. She was unable to get up. Her hand jerked back towards the blade, and she balled her fingers into a fist, to prevent herself from grabbing the knife again. 

She had to tell the Doctor. Rose shut her eyes tightly, ashamed of her own weakness. It had been weeks and weeks since she had last cut herself, and yet the desire to hurt herself was so strong and so sharp within her, like no time had passed at all. 

Think of the breathing exercises, she told herself. Martha had showed her how to calm herself, and Rose tried as hard as she could. But the idea was like a disease, infecting her brain. It would be so _easy_ , just a little cut, the Doctor never even had to know… 

Rose jumped up from the bed, practically fled her room. She had to wake the Doctor, she couldn't be alone right now. 

** 

The Doctor awoke in the middle of the night when somebody sat down next to him and touched his arm. 

"Doctor?" 

He recognised her voice at once, and relaxed. He wasn't being attacked after all. 

"Rose," he said, still sleepy, "everything okay?" 

"Sorry I woke you up," she said, instead of answering the question. "Can I stay with you tonight?" 

Her face was difficult to make out in the darkness, but he was sure that something had happened to her. Her voice was trembling slightly, and her fingers on his arm were very cold. 

"'Course you can. Any time." 

The Doctor moved to make room for her, and Rose joined him under the duvet. Her body was shaking. 

"Rose, what's going on?" 

Rose shifted a bit, so that her head was supported by his chest, her hair brushing against his chin. The Doctor could feel her breathing unevenly. 

"I can't stop thinking about it," she finally said. "I held the knife in my hand, I was so close, and I can't stop thinking about how good it would feel…" 

The Doctor knew what she was talking about at once. The realisation made him feel like he was falling from a great height. 

"Like my mind's going in circles. How easy it would be, how it would help me, how it would be just one time and I'd stop right after…" 

Rose sounded scared, and the Doctor held her tight. 

"Martha said that it's an addiction," she added. 

She didn't say anything more, but he could feel her shiver slightly. 

"Is there anything I can do?" 

Rose shivered again, her breath uneven. One of her hands was clutching the sheet in a tight fist. 

"Tell me a story? I need to concentrate on something that doesn't have anything to do with blades." 

The Doctor gently ran his fingers through her hair while he told her about Utopia and how he had met the Master there. He had wanted to tell her the whole story for quite a while, but had never gotten around to it, for some reason. Rose listened intently, interrupting him with a question from time to time. The tension inside her body was still definitely there, but the Doctor got the feeling that it was becoming more manageable for Rose the longer he talked. 

No matter how much it pained the Doctor to see her like this, it didn't do anyone any good if he spent his time daydreaming about changing the past and saving Rose from three years of pain. No matter how much he might wish for it, it just couldn't be done. The only thing he could do, the only thing he should do instead of dwelling on pointless fantasies about time travel, was to support her now, to do everything in his power to help her recover. 

** 

"Didn't anybody else ever try to stop you hurting yourself?" 

Rose shrugged. 

"It wasn't like anybody really knew, was it? The only people who ever saw me cut myself were mum and Pete, and I had them convinced it was just that one time." 

"What about Mickey?" 

"What about him?" 

"Weren't you two friends?" 

Rose took a deep breath, then she shook her head. 

"Not really." 

"What? Why?" 

"Well, I think he was trying to be helpful, you know. Few weeks after I came here, he basically told me to just get over you already. I think he was just worried about me, but he didn't phrase it very elegantly. So I said some things, and then he said some things, and it never was the same between us after that." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Yeah, me too. When we got the dimension cannon to work he told me he'd stay in the other universe if we ever got there, and I thought I was going back to the TARDIS, so we didn't really expect to be seeing a lot of each other ever again." 

"So you didn't tell him about…" 

Rose sighed. 

"No, I didn't tell him I was hurting myself. And I didn't tell Jake either. It was too personal." 

She could feel the Doctor looking at her. 

"You know what we need? We need a friend." He sighed softly. "We need Donna." 

Rose couldn't help but sigh. 

"Donna is the most stubborn person I've met in my life. How are we gonna convince her we aren't serial killers or perverts or whatever she thinks you are?" 

"Alien invasion right above her house?" 

Rose laughed. 

"Knowing Donna, I'm not sure that would do it." 

"Unfortunately, you might be right."


	21. The Most Important Woman In The Whole Of Creation

The Doctor had never really been to an office party, at least not without an alien threat or some other form of needing to save the world at the back of his mind. Today, however, he was simply smiling his way through inane conversations about the weather and drinking the frankly terrible punch. 

There were two wonderful things about this whole affair. One was the fact that Rose was looking simply gorgeous, and every time he saw her he couldn't help but smile. 

The second was Donna. 

Donna had recognised him, initially treated him with suspicion, and hadn't really talked to him so far. However, the Doctor knew that him being here, in plain sight of her colleagues, made her doubt her first assumption of him being a stalking pervert. And then there was Rose. 

Rose, who was all smiles and politeness. Rose, who had introduced herself to Donna and then casually mentioned that she and the Doctor were in a relationship. Rose, who inspired trust in people, in any universe. 

The Doctor couldn't have put into words how thankful he was to her. Convincing Donna that he wanted to be her friend wasn't exactly easy, and he didn't think he could have done it on his own. Last time, the TARDIS had helped him. This time, it was Rose. 

Some of the conversations he had weren't even bad. He spent half an hour discussing Hermione's character development in _Goblet of Fire_ with a young intern who seemed overjoyed at having found someone who shared his love for Harry Potter. Then there was an older woman who had an interest in the mysteries of black holes, and the Doctor had to bite his tongue several times before telling her more about the universe than any human from this time period could possibly know. Although he was pretty sure he had slipped up at one point. Had humans figured out the Zhi Leng Principle yet? He would have to ask Rose later. 

To the Doctor's delight, he also had the chance to meet Mary, who was identical to Nerys in all but name. The universe really was a funny place. Mary wanted to know exactly how it was that the Doctor and Rose were attending, because she was sure she had never seen them at any company event. She was tenacious, the Doctor had to give her that. At Rose's insistence, he and Rose had come up with a cover story before leaving their home, but he wasn't sure Mary was buying it. 

** 

"So, John really is your boyfriend?" 

Rose hadn't noticed Donna coming up behind her. 

"Yeah," she said, pretty sure that this wasn't the right time to explain everything that was wrong with the word _boyfriend_. She had to get this right, for the Doctor's sake. "Yeah, he is." 

She smiled at Donna. It was so _weird_ , talking to her. She remembered another Donna from another universe, forced to live in Leeds, tormented by a giant bug. 

"He didn't pay you to say that or anything?" 

"What? No, 'course not. Why would he do that?" 

Donna looked at her shrewdly, sizing Rose up. 

"He came to my house, you know? Just like that, out of the blue. Don't you think that's a little weird?" 

Rose shrugged. 

"He's a bit weird sometimes, yeah." She smiled again. "It's why I love him. I'm sure he just wanted to be friendly." 

Donna glared at her. 

"Well, _friendly_ doesn't exactly mean showing up at somebody's door unannounced. That's not friendly, that's just creepy." 

There was something in Donna's eyes that made Rose believe that the Doctor's unannounced visit had actually scared her more than she liked to admit. Suddenly, she felt very protective of the other woman. 

"I know. Believe me, I told him the same thing." Rose sighed, looking at the Doctor, who was talking animatedly on the other side of the room. "He doesn't always think things through before he acts, but he's a good man. The best man, actually." 

She smiled at Donna. 

"So, what exactly do you do at the company, anyway?" 

Donna looked at her, apparently not completely convinced that Rose wasn't an actress paid to speak on the Doctor's behalf. However, when she answered, there was more pride than doubt in her voice. 

"Best temp in Chiswick. 100 words per minute!" 

** 

"Hey," the Doctor said to Donna. "So, how've you been?" 

Donna glared. 

"How have I been? I don't even get an apology for your stunt at my door?!" 

"I'm sorry," the Doctor said at once. Over the centuries, he had become very good at apologising. "I didn't mean to scare you." 

Donna glared even more. 

"Who says I was scared? Like you scare me, sunshine." 

She gave him a pointed once-over, and the Doctor felt a painful longing to be her friend again. 

"Oi, what's that supposed to mean?" 

"Skinny bloke like you, I could take you anytime." 

The Doctor raised his eyebrows. If he wasn't careful, he would end up in a brawl with her. There was a part of him, courtesy of the other Donna Noble, that felt ready to fight and knew exactly how to push her buttons. He swallowed the urge down. 

"You probably could, yeah. Again, I'm really sorry." 

Donna nodded curtly. 

"Good." 

"Maybe I could make it up to you? I know a place, they have fantastic chips. My treat." 

Donna narrowed her eyes, but apparently couldn't find anything wrong with his offer. 

"Only if you bring Rose. Not sure I trust you when you're on your own." 

The Doctor smiled. 

"She'll be delighted. How about next Friday?"


	22. There's Me

Rose was disturbed in her sleep by the Doctor tossing and turning next to her. Even though it was so dark she could barely see him, Rose was sure the Doctor was still sleeping. She edged a little closer. Judging by the expression on his face he wasn't having a particularly good dream. The Doctor shuddered, like he was being hurt, and Rose decided to put an end to his misery. 

"Doctor," she said quietly, lightly touching his shoulder, "Doctor, wake up." 

The Doctor's eyes flew open suddenly, and he breathed hard, clearly disoriented for a few moments. Then he recognized her face and his body relaxed visibly. 

"Bad dream?" Rose asked, even though she already knew the answer to that one. But sometimes it was good to give the Doctor the option of talking about what was going on with him. 

"Yeah," he mumbled, "thanks for waking me up." 

"You wanna tell me about it?" 

The Doctor ran a hand over his face, closing his eyes for a moment before he looked at her. 

"Not the details. Time War, you know? I'd rather not think about it any more than my subconscious makes me." 

Rose nodded. 

"Okay. But if there's anything I can do…" 

The Doctor averted his eyes slightly. 

"Could you… hold me in your arms for a bit?" 

Rose smiled. 

"Come here." 

When she closed her arms around the Doctor, Rose suddenly realised that they had never done this. He had always been the one to hold her, not the other way around. Rose supposed the Doctor was usually too proud to admit when he needed her support. She wondered if there was a way they could change that. 

"The memories never used to be this vivid," the Doctor said suddenly, apparently having decided that he did want to talk about his dream after all. "When I could still suppress them." 

Rose wasn't exactly sure what to say to that, only wishing that she could do more for him. She had seen a lot over the past few years, but thankfully she had never had to watch her whole planet and everyone she knew die horribly. She tightened her arms around him gently. 

"Not one of my favourite things about this body," the Doctor continued. "I know I've said this a hundred times, but I do not know how humans can stand stuff like that." 

"I don't think any human could go through what you did without it affecting the rest of their life. Nobody expects you to just shrug off something like that." 

"That's not what I meant. Of course the Time War changed me. Even when I was still a Time Lord, it never really went away. But I could control when to remember, when to see that burning sky, it never just—" 

The Doctor's voice broke, and he stopped talking. Rose had never seen him this close to tears. 

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her own eyes suddenly wet with tears. 

Neither of them said anything else for a while. Rose could feel the Doctor's breathing slowly evening out, his head heavy against her shoulder. The other Doctor had never trusted her like this, back in the other universe, the other Doctor would never have let her comfort him like this. Rose's heart swelled as the thought occurred to her; this was something that set this Doctor apart from the other one, that showed her that this Doctor trusted her so much more than the other one ever had. 

Life with the other Doctor had been like a mad dream, incredible and wonderful and terrifying all at once, but this was something else entirely. And if Rose was to be honest with herself, she wouldn't give up this new life for her old one. This was so much better than galaxies and alien planets and time travel.


	23. Who's Gonna Hold His Hand Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am one of those people who believe that the TARDIS keeps censoring Donna. So here is uncensored Donna, who never once said "flipping" in her entire life.

"Why are you both so interested in me, anyway?" 

"What do you mean?" 

Rose tried to make it sound casual. Donna looked at her. 

"You two. You're fussing over me like you're my fucking grandmothers. It's _weird_." 

The Doctor answered this time. 

"Oh, I wouldn't say weird. We just like you, is all." 

Donna turned towards him. 

"Is this some kind of sexual thing?" 

The Doctor stared at her, and Rose knew that look: he was remembering another conversation, one that had probably been similar. 

"No, it's not. We just want to be your ma—friends." 

Rose had to remember to ask him later what that was about. 

"But… why? I'm just a temp from Chiswick, I'm nothing special." 

Rose could see a spark of desperation in the Doctor's eyes, hidden before Donna could notice it, too. 

"Yes, you are," the Doctor said. "You're brilliant." 

"You know what, sunshine, if this is all some fucking prank—" 

Rose leaned forward and took Donna's hand. Donna looked at her like her head had just turned bright green. 

"This isn't a prank," Rose said quietly. "I promise." 

Donna held her gaze for a moment, then she pulled her hand away, frowning. 

"Then you're both idiots. You don't even know me." 

Rose and the Doctor shared a look, and Rose could see how much the Doctor was hurting, how he just wanted to shake Donna and make her believe that she mattered. Rose remembered only too well that the other Donna hadn't ever believed her until the stars had started going out. This time, they couldn't rely on the universe helping them. 

"I know enough about you to know that I want to be your friend." 

The Doctor's eyes were sparkling, like something dormant inside him had suddenly woken, a great power that could bend the universe to his will. Rose could feel heat pulsing between her legs and cursed her body's inevitable reaction. This was decidedly _not_ the time. 

Apparently, the sudden change in the Doctor's demeanour had no effect on Donna, though. 

"Oh yeah? And what exactly would you know? We've had about three conversations in total." 

Rose had to admire her tenacity. The Doctor sat up straight, eyes fiercely fixed on Donna, but his words were tender. 

"I know you're shouting at the world because you just want to be heard. I know you have compassion in your heart but that you try to hide it behind harsh words. I know that you never back down in the face of injustice if you think that you just have a tiny chance of helping someone. I know that you are brave. I know that you are kind. I know that you need a friend more desperately than you need anything else." 

Donna stared at him for a moment, too stunned to say anything. Rose suspected not many people had ever witnessed a speechless Donna. 

"You're mad," Donna finally pronounced when she had found her voice again, fear creeping onto her face. "You are absolutely fucking _bonkers_." 

The Doctor grinned. 

"Oh yes." 

Rose was gripping her bottle rather harder than was strictly speaking necessary. 

"What does that bullshit even mean? I don't fight injustice, or go round performing acts of bravery or whatever, and if you just want to be my friend because you think I need one and pity me then you can _button it_." 

"I don't pity you, Donna. And yeah, maybe you haven't lived up to your potential yet, but it's there." 

There was so much certainty in the Doctor's voice that even Donna seemed touched for a moment. Then she shook her head. 

"You. Are. _Bonkers_. I'm leaving." 

She grabbed her purse, stood up, and left the room without another word. The Doctor stared at her retreating back, then jumped out of his seat and made to follow her. Rose could only just grab his arm to stop him. 

"Let me go." 

"No, Doctor. She needs time." 

The Doctor stared at her, unmasked fury on his face for a second. Then he breathed out slowly, and Rose could see the pain beneath the anger, the love for the other Donna that this Donna refused to accept. He collapsed into the chair again. Rose pulled the Doctor into her arms, unable to bear the desperate look in his eyes. His head sank down onto her shoulder, and Rose gently ran her fingers through his hair. 

"'M sorry, Doctor." 

"Yeah." 

They sat in silence for a while. Rose wondered what they could possibly tell Donna to make her trust them, but couldn't think of anything. 

_In another reality, I forced you to kill yourself._

Yes, that was a great conversation starter, perfect for parties. 

_In a parallel universe, the Doctor made you forget the best years of your life so you wouldn't have to die, and we want to make it up to you._

Rose just managed to suppress a snort. All of this was ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. Years ago, lifetimes ago, she had stepped on board a time machine, and ever since then her life had been full of madness. Even here, even now, a universe away, the madness rippled back, like throwing a pebble into a perfectly still lake. 

It wasn't like Rose minded. Before the Doctor, nothing had ever happened in her life, not ever. Now, she was first in line to protect a whole planet, and she was deeply in love with a man who had given up everything to be with her. Rose would always choose this over her old, unfulfilling life as a shop girl. However, she did wish the universe would finally give the Doctor a break. 

** 

The Doctor didn't hear anything from Donna for almost a week. He was heeding Rose's advice to give her space, but with each day that seemed to become harder. He missed Donna, missed her snarky comments that were so unlike Rose's, missed her brash personality and her contradicting him at every turn. He missed her in a completely different way than he had missed Rose. He loved them both, and no matter how happy he was with Rose, she couldn't be a substitute for Donna because she simply wasn't Donna. 

Finally, she rang him up out of the blue. The Doctor answered the phone cautiously, not completely sure he wasn't imagining it ringing. 

"Hello, Donna." 

"I have one question," she said, forgoing small talk entirely. "Why did you say all that?" 

"You wouldn't believe me." 

"We are way past that, sunshine." The Doctor had missed how her voice sounded when she was annoyed. "I don't care how crazy your answer is. I just want the truth." 

The truth… He knew, with all the certainty of a Time Lord, that his answer would shape the rest of his life. Thanks to his human biology, however, he was unable to see possible timelines, probable outcomes, anything beyond this point. 

He took a deep breath, and made his decision on human instinct. 

"I'm from a parallel universe, and in that universe you were my best friend." 

Donna hung up the phone. 

** 

Five minutes later, the phone rang again. 

"Okay, sunshine, tell me something about me that nobody else knows." 

"Your perfect man in gorgeous, head over heels in love with you and has a stutter." 

It was the first thing that had come to the Doctor's mind, and he regretted saying it instantly. Why couldn't he just have gone with her favourite flavour chocolate or that film she always pretended didn't make her cry? 

After a moment of silence, Donna started to laugh, and the Doctor breathed a sigh of relief. 

"Are you telling me that I met that man in a parallel universe? How rubbish is this universe, then?" 

"It didn't exactly work out between you two. I mean, your parallel self and him. Long story." 

The Doctor cringed at the memory: Donna finding out that her life with that man had been nothing but a simulation to keep her safe. She had put on a brave face, but the Doctor knew she had been devastated. 

"If I met a man like that I would make it work. My other self must be a bit barmy if she couldn't." 

The Doctor swallowed hard, suppressing his guilt. He didn't owe an apology to this Donna, he owed one to a woman whom he would never see again, who he could never do right by again. The woman on the phone wasn't that woman. 

"She is, yeah," he said. "But I never really minded." 

"I'm free Saturday afternoon," Donna told him after a few moments of silence. 

It took the Doctor a second to get it. When he did, a grin spread across his whole face. 

"Brilliant! Molto bene!" 

"I know a place, they serve great Martinis." 

Donna told him the address, and to meet her there at 5 pm. The Doctor couldn't quite believe his luck. 

"Why do you believe me?" 

The question was out of his mouth before he could stop himself. 

"Because no one in their right mind would make up such a ridiculous story. I still want to talk to Rose about all this, mind, but the average creep would've come up with something a little more convincing." 

She ended the call, once more without saying goodbye. The Doctor lowered his phone from his ear and stared at it for a good minute. 

Then, with a giant grin on his face, he went to find Rose to tell her the good news.


	24. I Want You Safe, My Doctor

"Tell me I'm yours." 

Rose almost didn't get the words out. But she needed to hear him say it. 

The Doctor kissed his way up her jawline, holding her head with one hand. Rose was moving on top of him, eyes half closed, focusing on the way he was filling her. No matter how often they had sex, she could never get enough of the sensation, feeling the Doctor deep inside her, his skin on her skin, his scent all around her. She never wanted it to end. 

The Doctor's lips were inches from her ear now. 

"You're mine," he whispered. 

Rose practically mewled. 

He had promised long ago that he wouldn't leave her, _together together together_ , and they'd had a lot of conversations about what it all meant for them, but those two words were what Rose had been missing. The last piece of the puzzle. 

"Say it again," she begged. 

It had been true almost from the moment she had stepped into the TARDIS for the first time, even if she hadn't really understood it in the beginning. She belonged to the Doctor, body and soul, like he belonged to her. 

"You're mine," he repeated, a bit more forceful this time, and Rose's whole body convulsed as her orgasm swept over her. 

"My Doctor," she moaned, "my Doctor, my Doctor." 

She pulled him with her over the edge, and they shared a few final frantic thrusts before collapsing on the bed together. Rose could suddenly feel the tears in her eyes, not even aware that she'd been crying. Her whole body was shaking. 

The Doctor took her in his arms, and then she was sobbing against his shoulder. 

"Rose," he murmured, obviously concerned, "are you okay?" 

She nodded weakly. 

"I love you… _so much_ ," Rose choked out in between sobs. 

"And that makes you cry?" 

Rose couldn't help but chuckle tearfully at that, she had never heard the Doctor so completely and utterly baffled before. Her emotions were all over the place, and she didn't even really know why she was crying in the first place. She couldn't remember ever being happier. 

Her tears subsided almost as quickly as they had come, and Rose started to breathe easier. 

"This is all I ever wanted," she told the Doctor. "For us to belong to each other. Only each other." 

He kissed the top of her head, pulling her closer. 

"I always belonged to you, from the moment I met you." 

"But not like this. What we have… I could never have had this with him." 

"Maybe not physically. But emotionally, he feels as I do." 

Rose bit her lip, unsure of how to best explain what she meant. 

"I don't just mean what we feel for each other. It's like… He sees it as his duty to help people, to save them, to make them better. Which I love about him, and you. But if I'd stayed with him, I would never really have been enough for him. He's the Doctor, the whole universe needs him, I couldn't have claimed him for myself. Would've been a tad selfish of me." 

"But I can't save the universe any more." 

"Oh, you could. You could work at Torchwood, you could have gone with that Delyri delegation a month ago, you could even have stayed in the TARDIS with the other Doctor. But you didn't, you chose me." 

"'Course I chose you." 

"Well, he didn't. First chance he got, he ran away." 

"Rose, we talked about this." 

Rose rolled her eyes. 

"Shut up, I'm trying to make a point here." 

She raised her head a bit so she could look into his eyes. 

"He's the Doctor but you're _my_ Doctor. You chose me and you stayed with me. To you, I'm more important than the universe." 

It sounded a bit conceited saying it out loud, but Rose knew it was the truth. False modesty was something that she had chucked out of her life years ago. 

"Think that sentiment might be mutual," the Doctor said, smiling softly at her. 

"Oh, it just might be," she replied, smiling widely. They looked at each other for a moment, and then Rose remembered that she had been trying to tell him something. "You'd never put it into words like that before, though. Hearing that was…" 

Rose tried to find the right word, but wasn't able to. She felt like something inside her had finally been healed, like an open wound inside her soul had closed for good. He had already promised her together, and his love, and his forever, but never like this. 

"It was good," she finally said, hoping he would understand that it was so much more than that. 

"Mh, I also like being your Doctor." 

Rose smiled against his shoulder, eyes closed. One of her hands had found its way to the Doctor's chest, his heartbeat so wonderfully familiar against her palm. 

"You called me that once before," the Doctor continued pensively. "You might not remember." 

"When I was the Bad Wolf?" 

There were very few times with the Doctor she couldn't remember. 

"Yeah. Now that I think about it, isn't that odd? Back then, we weren't even… I mean, we'd never really talked about our feelings." 

Rose thought about that for a moment. 

"If I was able see all of time and space, I must have seen this. Us, right now. Maybe I said it because I knew it would become true in the future." 

The Doctor didn't answer. After a few moments, Rose nudged him gently, knowing there had to be something he wanted to say. 

"What is it?" 

He sighed quietly. 

"It's like Bad Wolf Bay all over again. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be the one to have this with you. I mean, I always knew I was lucky, ever since that whole business with the hand. But splitting into two people and me being the one that gets all the luck hardly seems fair." 

A shiver travelled up Rose's spine, and she bit her lip. 

"I know it's not fair, but here we are. You're my Doctor because you're doing what he couldn't." 

Rose had started to accept that she loved this Doctor more because he allowed her to love him, because he was there for her every day, because of the little things she had never had with the other Doctor. The small moments, the seemingly mundane aspects of living together. Just the fact that they were open about their love for each other made all the difference in the universe. All the difference in two universes, as it were. 

"I don't think it's that he _couldn't_ , necessarily…" 

Rose exhaled slowly. It really didn't matter what could or could not have been. They lived in this reality now, and that wouldn't change. 

"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities," she said. 

"Oi," the Doctor complained, "I'm the one who gets to quote Harry Potter in this relationship!" 

Rose laughed, and after a moment the Doctor was laughing as well. 

"Good old JK," he finally said, as he always did when they were talking about Harry Potter. "She's right, of course." 

Rose nodded, still smiling. 

"He made his choice, you made yours and I made mine. You are my Doctor. He's not." 

"Rose Tyler," he said, the way only he could, his love shining through every single letter. "My Rose Tyler." 

His single heart was beating under her palm, and Rose knew with all the certainty in the world that he had been the right choice, back on that bloody beach. 

"I love you," she whispered. "My Doctor."


	25. Epilogue: Have A Fantastic Life

"You have so many lines on your legs," Isha said, staring at Rose in fascination. "Why?" 

Rose hadn't even given her legs a second thought when they'd left for the beach, but Isha had never seen her in a swimsuit before, had never seen the scars. Rose exchanged a short glance with the Doctor, who was doing his best to inflate a swim ring. 

"I was very, very sad about ten years ago," Rose started to explain, "So sad that I thought I would never be happy again. And I hurt myself because I didn't know how to deal with my sadness." 

Isha had that deep crease between her eyebrows she always got when she thought hard about something. 

"Why didn't Doctor help you?" 

Rose smiled. She supposed that Isha's tendency to just call him _Doctor_ would never stop being adorable. 

"Because the Doctor was very far away for a long time. He was so far away that he couldn't come home to help me, even though he wanted to." 

"Well, that's no use," Isha stated, and Rose had to stifle her laughter. They had to let Jackie and Pete take care of Isha for two weeks when the Crovresh had needed their help, and now the little girl sounded hilariously like Jackie. 

"You're absolutely right, no use at all." 

She grinned at the Doctor, who was rolling his eyes in response. The swim ring didn't look half bad. 

"But he came back as soon as he could, and I stopped feeling sad all the time." 

Isha nodded seriously. 

"Good," she said. "I wouldn't like you if you were sad all the time." 

Rose laughed, picking Isha up and kissing her forehead. 

"Well, then it's a good thing I'm not, because I really like you, and that wouldn't be much fun if you didn't like me back. You wanna play in the water now?" 

Isha nodded happily, giggling. 

The three of them made their way towards the shallow waves, Isha running in front of the Doctor and Rose, making sounds of delight as her little blue feet made contact with the water. Rose looked at the Doctor, and he took her hand. She gave her Doctor a quick kiss on the lips, then had to let go of him just as quickly because Isha demanded her attention. 

Sometimes, Rose liked to imagine what her 19-year-old self would say if she could see Rose's life right now. Going to the beach with her half-human husband and her adopted alien daughter was something she had truly never planned on doing when she had been a teenager. 

** 

Late in the evening, when Isha had finally fallen asleep, Rose found her Doctor sitting by the window, looking up at the brightly glittering stars. She sat down beside him, leaning against his shoulder. 

"Do you ever miss it?" 

She didn't have to elaborate. Her Doctor put an arm around her, pulling her closer. 

"Not as much as I thought I would." 

Rose smiled softly. 

"There's moments, sometimes, when I think about that life we had… Mad, wasn't it?" 

"Definitely mad," the Doctor agreed. " _Completely fucking bonkers_ , as Donna would say." 

Rose started laughing. As always, the Doctor's impression of Donna was spot-on. 

"Did you tell her about Saturday?" 

"Texted her. She'll bring Shaun and the kids." 

They both feel silent, watching the stars. A zeppelin made its way across the sky slowly, obstructing the view. 

"Rose Tyler," her Doctor said. 

"My Doctor." 

"You know that I love you, right?" 

She smiled softly. 

"I know. But don't stop telling me, yeah?" 

"Never. I promise." 

They kissed each other, and Rose knew that even if she could go back in time once more, she wouldn't change a single thing.


End file.
